Big Black Cloud:
Revision
A big black cloud hangs over me today,
The sun is shining; but all I see is the rain,
I guess I should hang my head in shame,
it seems I've turned into a mid-life cliché.
I could avoid the rain by staying in all day,
But I ignored the flood warning - yet again,
I must be a junky; and you're my cocaine
Is it wrong to imagine you in a négligée?
Is it global warming that makes it rain so?
Or the change in course of the Jet stream?
that big black cloud follows me rain or shine.
I once saw you as the answer to a dream
Now I'm just clinging to my self-esteem
I guess that you'll never be my Valentine.
Original
A big black cloud hangs over me today,
The sun is shining; but all I see is the rain,
pouring down a plague of misery and pain,
I don't ask for this grief; but it comes anyway.
Thought I could avoid the rain by staying in all day,
But I ignored the flood warning - yet again,
Got caught in the vortex; sucked down the drain,
Drowning in melancholy; and washed away.
They say it's global warming that makes it rain so
or the change in course of the gulf stream
but that big black cloud comes rain or shine
I once saw you as the answer to a dream
now I'm just clinging to my self-esteem
I just have to accept that you'll never be mine.
Italian Sonnet: Big Black Cloud
Not keen on this because of the cliches (black cloud, down the drain, drowning in melancholy) and the generally prosaic writing - the last line is especially ordinary.
However, kudos for giving the rhyme a shot. Here are a few tips to get it sounding a bit more natural or unforced (all personal opinion and may be nonsense to others):
- Use a(n online) rhyming dictionary to make sure you're picking from the full pool of rhymes. Remember that rhyming dictonaries don't include all possible rhymes, so use your brain too. Use onelook.com to search for words ending in specified letter-strings. Don't neglect proper nouns. Before proceeding I make sure I have a list of all possible rhymes, narrowed down to those which might make sense in the context.
- Take a risk and include a tough rhyme, a word with only a few rhymes in English. This shows panache. Even better, use an "unrhymable" word like "chimney". You can then go mad with a rhyme like "women he" or "simony" (although they're not perfect). Obviously this is much harder if you need four rhymes than if you only need two.
- Don't be afraid to let the rhyme guide your poem. Often I see a rhyme I'm dying to use and will alter the direction, or even the whole subject/theme, of the poem in order to include it. But hide your tracks if you do this!
- Rhyme different spellings. This is where you can get creative in English in a way Spanish, Italian etc. don't so much allow. I can't explain why but as a reader I get excited when I see "time" rhymed with "I'm", "climb", "rhyme" rather than with "slime".
- Try rhyming different parts of speech and tenses - mix verbs, nouns, participles, adjectives etc. Where the rhyme-words in a poem are all nouns they tend to stick out more and are more likely to sound contrived.
- Plan the poem thoroughly. Working backwards is often easier for me. A sign that you've started at the start and just written to the end is if the second rhyming word of each pair is the more contrived-sounding of the two. Upset this perception by deliberately making the first rhyme-word the more unexpected. For example if you know that line 4 is going to end with a common word, e.g. "blue", try "slew" or "imbue" for line 2 rather than e.g. "clue" or "you".
Keep trying. Rhyme is fun and immensely satisfying when it clicks into place.
However, kudos for giving the rhyme a shot. Here are a few tips to get it sounding a bit more natural or unforced (all personal opinion and may be nonsense to others):
- Use a(n online) rhyming dictionary to make sure you're picking from the full pool of rhymes. Remember that rhyming dictonaries don't include all possible rhymes, so use your brain too. Use onelook.com to search for words ending in specified letter-strings. Don't neglect proper nouns. Before proceeding I make sure I have a list of all possible rhymes, narrowed down to those which might make sense in the context.
- Take a risk and include a tough rhyme, a word with only a few rhymes in English. This shows panache. Even better, use an "unrhymable" word like "chimney". You can then go mad with a rhyme like "women he" or "simony" (although they're not perfect). Obviously this is much harder if you need four rhymes than if you only need two.
- Don't be afraid to let the rhyme guide your poem. Often I see a rhyme I'm dying to use and will alter the direction, or even the whole subject/theme, of the poem in order to include it. But hide your tracks if you do this!
- Rhyme different spellings. This is where you can get creative in English in a way Spanish, Italian etc. don't so much allow. I can't explain why but as a reader I get excited when I see "time" rhymed with "I'm", "climb", "rhyme" rather than with "slime".
- Try rhyming different parts of speech and tenses - mix verbs, nouns, participles, adjectives etc. Where the rhyme-words in a poem are all nouns they tend to stick out more and are more likely to sound contrived.
- Plan the poem thoroughly. Working backwards is often easier for me. A sign that you've started at the start and just written to the end is if the second rhyming word of each pair is the more contrived-sounding of the two. Upset this perception by deliberately making the first rhyme-word the more unexpected. For example if you know that line 4 is going to end with a common word, e.g. "blue", try "slew" or "imbue" for line 2 rather than e.g. "clue" or "you".
Keep trying. Rhyme is fun and immensely satisfying when it clicks into place.
fine words butter no parsnips
Thanks k-j for the tips. I will endeavour to put them into practice. This is only the 2nd time i've attempted a sonnet (the first got a panning too), so i guess this is another one for the "needs more work" pile. I've enjoyed reading the other sonnets in this exercise particularly yours and feel a little embarrassed by my poor effort. 
Still I will plod on and one day hope to write something worthy of this forum, 
Still I will plod on and one day hope to write something worthy of this forum, I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!
-
Antcliff
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6599
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Don't be. There is no need to feel that way about a second attempt. All power to you!feel a little embarrassed by my poor effort
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Yes exactly. You're doing something that's really difficult! Most people couldn't even begin to write a proper sonnet. Keep at it and have fun!Antcliff wrote:Don't be. There is no need to feel that way about a second attempt. All power to you!feel a little embarrassed by my poor effort
Seth
fine words butter no parsnips
Kev, I do like
but felt that lines such as I don't ask for this grief; but it comes anyway and I just have to accept that you'll never be mine would make better song lyrics.
You're braver than I am about standing in the rhyme line!
Your hints about rhyming are inspiring, k-j. Helps to have them as a challenge.
Jackie
But I ignored the flood warning - yet again,
Got caught in the vortex; sucked down the drain,
but felt that lines such as I don't ask for this grief; but it comes anyway and I just have to accept that you'll never be mine would make better song lyrics.
You're braver than I am about standing in the rhyme line!
Your hints about rhyming are inspiring, k-j. Helps to have them as a challenge.
Jackie
Thanks all for taking the time to comment. I have posted a revision that I'm a bit happier with (Thanks for the advice k-j). Mind you it still feels a bit song lyricie to me. 
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!