Sonnet: 4 a.m.

[brianedwards]

4 a.m.

I watch my lover breathing as she sleeps,
a ritual to which I'm duty bound:
I must make reference to her parted lips,
the sweetness of her breath, the gentle sounds.
For all is new, with so much yet to learn,
to share, to see, to hear. I must resist
caressing her awake with hopeful lines
of future dreams that hide behind her lids.

Love filters only temporarily.
We open up ourselves and all pours out
unedited, and unconditionally
given, without recourse or redoubt.
Let her lie silent in my empty bed.
I am alone, and for that I am glad.







~

[Jackie]

Hi B. The first octave here is so visual, and this man's restraint so compelling! I feel a bit cheated in the second stanza. You tell me about it but I don't get to hear what real love feels and looks like. Is it painful? Is that why you are glad not to go there?

Jackie

[brianedwards]

Hi B. The first octave here is so visual, and this man's restraint so compelling! I feel a bit cheated in the second stanza. You tell me about it but I don't get to hear what real love feels and looks like. Is it painful? Is that why you are glad not to go there?

Jackie

Thanks Jackie. Your questions sum up the intention, I think, though perhaps one could read a hint of cynicism in the speaker? I wouldn't want the ending to sound whiny.
Appreciate your thoughts.

B.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi, Brian

I love the way S1 references the act of composing poetry, through "reference" and "lines" and maybe "duty bound" (as a sonnet writer).

The vibe that I am getting is that the person one falls in love with inevitably turns out to be different from those early
idealised impressions.

"without recourse or ...."
- It may just be my ear, but I'm wanting to hear "without recourse to.." something, otherwise it sounds a tad legalistic
(which may be your objective, of course). Maybe rephrase it as "with no recourse.." ?

This is the first of the new sonnets I've read, and already I'm glad it's not a competition.

Triffic
Geoff

[David2]

The iambs are beautifully handled in the octave, Brian - they're classical, without being oppressive. Lines 3 and 4 sound proper Elizabethan (or possibly Jacobean) - whatever, they sound authentically Donnish. I like the whole section, except for the lids, which sound like a bit of a clanger.

I'm less fond of the sestet, which seems overly abstract and highfalutin, and you seem to lose control of the lovely iambs as well, especially in the last line.

But 8/14, at least.

Cheers

David

[k-j]

Yes I think David - sorry, David2 - puts it well. The more I read the octet the more I like it, except that I would have a singular "sound" just because I prefer the rhyme and it doesn't detract from the sense (if anything, improves it).

Oh and "so much yet to learn", I'm not sure about that.

"Open up ourselves" scans but wouldn't it be "open ourselves up" nine times out of ten? "Recourse" I'm OK with but "redoubt" is wrong isn't it? Surely plain old "doubt" both scans better and carries the proper meaning? The last two lines are the worst for me: if she's in your bed, it's not empty, but worse than that is the tone (especially archaic "let her") which seems to ape Donne. The sestet is always much harder than the octet so I forgive you but it's not perfect I'm afraid.

[twoleftfeet]

"Open up ourselves" scans but wouldn't it be "open ourselves up" nine times out of ten? "Recourse" I'm OK with but "redoubt" is wrong isn't it? Surely plain old "doubt" both scans better and carries the proper meaning? The last two lines are the worst for me: if she's in your bed, it's not empty, but worse than that is the tone (especially archaic "let her") which seems to ape Donne. The sestet is always much harder than the octet so I forgive you but it's not perfect I'm afraid.

I can't see anything wrong with "redoubt", assuming it's the more modern spelling of "redout".

"Let .." is still in modern use, isn't it? e.g. "Don't wake him, let him sleep it off". Just saying.

[k-j]

Redout? What does that mean, "doubt again"? I've never seen or heard it. "Redoubt" is a noun, meaning a stronghold.

Sure "let" is still current, but it's archaic in the sense that B. uses it - the sense of "I wish that..." or literally" [God] let..." The "let" that you quote is used when one person is addressing another specific person or people, which the narrator of this poem isn't. Your "let" is a direct request", B's "let" is an expression of a wish.

[Antcliff]

Hi Brian,

I rather liked the appearance of "redoubt" which made me glance over at photos of various Boer war era relations. I am not sure why Love leaves you with no redoubt, but I don't object to the word.

I read the end "empty bed" as implying that the poem is directed at an imaginary lover, one to which N returns each night as if "duty bound". I may be wrong, but if that is no so then, as K-J notes, the "empty" is puzzling...and puzzling in a way that invites the "imaginary lover" picture (whether intended or not).

Cheers,
Seth

[twoleftfeet]

Redout? What does that mean, "doubt again"? I've never seen or heard it. "Redoubt" is a noun, meaning a stronghold.

No - it's an older spelling of the noun "redoubt", I believe, which as you say is a fortified position but it derives from
"a place to retreat/fall back to".

Sure "let" is still current, but it's archaic in the sense that B. uses it - the sense of "I wish that..." or literally" [God] let..." The "let" that you quote is used when one person is addressing another specific person or people, which the narrator of this poem isn't. Your "let" is a direct request", B's "let" is an expression of a wish.

I'd say it's deliberately ambiguous - we can agree to disagree.

[Antcliff]

No - it's an older spelling of the noun "redoubt", I believe, which as you say is a fortified position but it derives from
"a place to retreat/fall back to".

Indeed. As in "retreat to the redoubt". Sing along K-J..."Men of Harlech..."

http://www.flickr.com/photos/13150208@N05/2251232502/

[brianedwards]

Oh dear, this isn't working as intended at all. The ending is, as Seth suspected, intended to refer to an imaginary lover. The octave is intended as a list of romantic cliches, which is then undercut by the sestet which reveals the speaker's true thoughts on the subject (that, basically, love never lasts), ending with his relief that his bed is empty. Oh dear.

(By the by, redoubt was meant to mean the retreat, and Let was not meant to be archaic.)

Thanks all. Thinking on . . .

B.

[twoleftfeet]

Oh dear, this isn't working as intended at all. The ending is, as Seth suspected, intended to refer to an imaginary lover.

I didn't get that the lover was imaginary - thinking she was once real, but no longer around, and that works for me.
I think you are being too hard on yourself, Brian.

[brianedwards]

Thanks for saying so Geoff, and I'm glad you're enjoying it as is, just frustrating for me that it doesn't express what I thought it did. Proves what I knew already, that my poetic settings need recalibrating after so long away from the pen.

Cheers,

B.

[brianedwards]

The iambs are beautifully handled in the octave, Brian - they're classical, without being oppressive. Lines 3 and 4 sound proper Elizabethan (or possibly Jacobean) - whatever, they sound authentically Donnish.

Feel I should address this comment directly as it resonates with me quite a bit. Having been away from poetry for a while and now engaging with this sonnet exercise, I've come to remember how profoundly Elizabethan poetry, especially Donne, influenced me in my formative years. I was obsessed with Donne for most of my teens. Long before I had any idea of what the hell he was talking about, I was enchanted by the noises he made and the pictures he painted in my head, and would labour endlessly trying to imitate him. I'd lost touch with that, in fact in some ways have, over the years, consciously tried to fight against it, slavishly obeying Pound's advice to "make it new". Not saying I've become a born again formalist, but just acknowledging that those early influences are clearly still present. "authentically Donnish" - well that's me done then! I've accomplished my teenage goal!

B.

[Jackie]

Nice. I enjoyed this post, B.

Jackie

[David2]

So you pastiched something so well that your genuine affection for it showed through. I think that's a decent result.

I hope you're still reading Donne. So much of him is wasted on teenagers.