Suffocated in these beady wasp faces biting
perceiving only their black patterns of stripes
as they pour liquid honey sin
into their brown hexagon tubes
in a sticky, tasteless fashion
When prompted,
these black sails defend their golden treasure
dark knights unsheathe
their torturous blade
infecting with unfeeling venom
any threatening a week’s living.
Ever higher the sails climb,
in the fields of darkness despite sunlight
these wings beat
by the light of their blind navigator
Then they exit their skin to the left
sliding forward and backward,
hovering, weaving, snaking
tuning out all wild cries
with a forked ear drum
that cannot hear if it ever desired.
But first death by suffocation,
as this oxygen has lost its smell.
Reincarnation of a Pessimist
Caleb,
I've been meaning to reply to one of yours for a while. You have made some excellent posts, and with your diligent 'responsing' you are holding the forum together well at the moment!
I enjoyed both of the key similes in this poem, especially the black sails defending their treasure. Fits perfectly, it seems to me. I particularly enjoy your turn of phrase at moments like this.
My only one slight criticism would be that the knights and the ships/pirates are not entirely congruent, and while both might fit into the same poem, it might be unwise to go from the sails to the knights and back again. Perhaps (sorry I know it's annoying when people try and write your poems for you) you could say something like:
'these black sails defend their golden treasure
climbing higher'
and then go onto the knights later, or even change the knights to 'pirates'. A cutlass might even be a better comparison to a bee's stinger than a knight's blade.
All in all though, a rich poem, and one I greatly enjoyed.
pb
I've been meaning to reply to one of yours for a while. You have made some excellent posts, and with your diligent 'responsing' you are holding the forum together well at the moment!
I enjoyed both of the key similes in this poem, especially the black sails defending their treasure. Fits perfectly, it seems to me. I particularly enjoy your turn of phrase at moments like this.
My only one slight criticism would be that the knights and the ships/pirates are not entirely congruent, and while both might fit into the same poem, it might be unwise to go from the sails to the knights and back again. Perhaps (sorry I know it's annoying when people try and write your poems for you) you could say something like:
'these black sails defend their golden treasure
climbing higher'
and then go onto the knights later, or even change the knights to 'pirates'. A cutlass might even be a better comparison to a bee's stinger than a knight's blade.
All in all though, a rich poem, and one I greatly enjoyed.
pb
hm a very interesting note there on the knights...I forgot how much extra baggage the term "dark knight" brought with it.
Thanks to you both, though if I may ask - is "trippy" good or bad?
Thanks to you both, though if I may ask - is "trippy" good or bad?
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
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Bombadil
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Caleb,
A good piece overall, but I think you’re trying too hard here. In many places the voice feels forced, which mars the flow...You strike me as someone who has a whole lot on his mind who feels the need to express all of it—sometimes all at once, so things come out a bit…muddled or over exuberant at times. None of this is necessarily bad, just something to work on, in my opinion.
--Keith
A good piece overall, but I think you’re trying too hard here. In many places the voice feels forced, which mars the flow...You strike me as someone who has a whole lot on his mind who feels the need to express all of it—sometimes all at once, so things come out a bit…muddled or over exuberant at times. None of this is necessarily bad, just something to work on, in my opinion.
--Keith
The suffocation isn't by accident, but alright point taken.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
I think where I went wrong is taking the periods out and never putting them back in, then mashing the entire thing into one continuous stanza. It was to give an effect, but...
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein