Things That Won’t Stop Until They Stop
My heart won’t stop doing the jitterbug.
I’m not sure why it’s so much alive,
constantly moving like a hyperactive child.
This is my old age, time to relax, so why
is part of me always at a dance? It needs
to conserve itself for important things,
like when that award comes, or when I pull
that car from off that crawling baby
and dawn my heroic laurels.
It keeps me awake doing the Charleston
all night long, when I’m so tired I can only
dream of sleeping. But this was a heart
that was oppressed at times, frozen at times,
sometimes so hot it almost consumed me.
Perhaps in old age I should let it do
what it really wants to do, which, it seems,
is to keep me locked inside my rooms
taking Metoprolol and Propranolol.
☙
Things That Won't Stop Until They Stop
- CalebPerry
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Last edited by CalebPerry on Fri Apr 26, 2024 8:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
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If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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Hello Caleb. I think the first stanza is pretty good, though maybe you could do without the final line and "much" in line 2. The 2nd stanza, well, it's predictable, I suppose, no surprises there. I really don't think you need to introduce another dance, it feels like padding. You might consider "blocked" inside my room, as in beta-blocker. Good idea for a poem, in need of an eyecatching ending.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
- CalebPerry
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- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I think you made some good observations, Ray. Thank you.
Now that I read it again. I think it should go in the bin.
Now that I read it again. I think it should go in the bin.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7432
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I don't think you should bin it, the first stanza is fine. I particularly like the crawling baby line. I just think it needs something more novel to finish with. The hyperactive child/ crawling baby might be worth enlarging.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I don't feel you need to bin Caleb. You are good at revision. I did wonder what is driving the behaviours. There seems to be some distancing of responsibility.CalebPerry wrote: ↑Wed Apr 24, 2024 7:38 amThings That Won’t Stop Until They Stop
My heart won’t stop doing the jitterbug.
I’m not sure why it’s so much alive,
constantly moving like a hyperactive child.
This is my old age, time to relax, so why
is part of me always at a dance? It needs
to conserve itself for important things,
like when that award comes, or when I pull
that car from off that crawling baby
and dawn my heroic laurels.
Perhaps in old age I should let it do
what it really wants to do, which, it seems,
is to keep me locked inside my rooms
taking Metoprolol and Propranolol.
☙
- CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3078
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
Thank you, guys, for voting that I not trash it.
I write so few poems that I really can't afford to trash any poem that I can fix, so I am going to try to fix the poem. Your criticisms are spot on.
I write so few poems that I really can't afford to trash any poem that I can fix, so I am going to try to fix the poem. Your criticisms are spot on.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.