Things That Won't Stop Until They Stop

[CalebPerry]

Things That Won’t Stop Until They Stop

My heart won’t stop doing the jitterbug.
I’m not sure why it’s so much alive,
constantly moving like a hyperactive child.
This is my old age, time to relax, so why
is part of me always at a dance? It needs
to conserve itself for important things,
like when that award comes, or when I pull
that car from off that crawling baby
and dawn my heroic laurels.

It keeps me awake doing the Charleston
all night long, when I’m so tired I can only
dream of sleeping. But this was a heart
that was oppressed at times, frozen at times,
sometimes so hot it almost consumed me.
Perhaps in old age I should let it do
what it really wants to do, which, it seems,
is to keep me locked inside my rooms
taking Metoprolol and Propranolol.

☙

[ray miller]

Hello Caleb. I think the first stanza is pretty good, though maybe you could do without the final line and "much" in line 2. The 2nd stanza, well, it's predictable, I suppose, no surprises there. I really don't think you need to introduce another dance, it feels like padding. You might consider "blocked" inside my room, as in beta-blocker. Good idea for a poem, in need of an eyecatching ending.

[CalebPerry]

I think you made some good observations, Ray. Thank you.

Now that I read it again. I think it should go in the bin.

[ray miller]

I don't think you should bin it, the first stanza is fine. I particularly like the crawling baby line. I just think it needs something more novel to finish with. The hyperactive child/ crawling baby might be worth enlarging.

[Macavity]

Things That Won’t Stop Until They Stop

My heart won’t stop doing the jitterbug.
I’m not sure why it’s so much alive,
constantly moving like a hyperactive child.
This is my old age, time to relax, so why
is part of me always at a dance? It needs
to conserve itself for important things,
like when that award comes, or when I pull
that car from off that crawling baby
and dawn my heroic laurels.

Perhaps in old age I should let it do
what it really wants to do, which, it seems,
is to keep me locked inside my rooms
taking Metoprolol and Propranolol.

☙

I don't feel you need to bin Caleb. You are good at revision. I did wonder what is driving the behaviours. There seems to be some distancing of responsibility.

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, guys, for voting that I not trash it.

I write so few poems that I really can't afford to trash any poem that I can fix, so I am going to try to fix the poem. Your criticisms are spot on.