Poetry Forum

revision 1

The tramps are sitting beside the Cathedral
drinking White Lightning
and Piggy Stick and having the best fun they can.


Outside of your empty Fathers house-
there’s a kind of whirlwind that collects leaves
between the porch and the garage.





Now the tramps are sitting beside the Cathedral
just drinking White Lightning
and Piggy Stick and having the best fun they can.


The outside of your empty Fathers house-
there’s a kind of whirlwind that collects leaves
between the porch and the garage.

ton321 wrote: ↑

Sat Apr 13, 2024 2:04 am

Now the tramps are sitting beside the Cathedral
just drinking White Lightning
and Piggy Stick and having the best fun.


The outside of your empty Father's house-
there’s a kind of whirlwind that collects leaves
between the porch and the garage.

Particularly like the second stanza. The title threads and opened the door for my reading. I don't think you need to dangle they can, presumably a play on can, let the irony dangle in the space instead.

Hi Tony,

Hmm! I particularly like the first stanza, which just goes to show you. I like the title too. I'd keep they can, myself, it has a good rhythm to my ear, and curiously, i read the last word as garbage.

Oh - and this:



Cheers,
John

Thanks mac, nice edit.

John lol

white lightning, White Frost, Diamond White, Frosty Jack.

Tony

This is the type of poem that doesn't quite say straight out what it's about, but expects the reader to apply his own interpretation. It took me a few readings, but I finally did that, and now the poem has meaning to me.

My suggestion is to eliminate a few extraneous words:

Now The tramps are sitting beside the Cathedral
just drinking White Lightning
and Piggy Stick and having the best fun they can.

The Outside of your empty Father’s house,
there’s a kind of whirlwind that collects leaves
between the porch and the garage.

I don't know what Piggy Sticks are -- are those the dog treats being sold on Amazon? Are you saying the tramps are eating dog food? If so, that strikes me as a powerful statement. If so, I'd rearrange the poem like this:

The tramps are sitting beside the Cathedral,
drinking White Lightning and eating Piggy Sticks
and having the best fun that they can.

Outside of your empty Father’s house
there’s a kind of whirlwind that collects leaves
between the porch and the garage.

>>>>> Very very very good title. <<<<<

The more I read this, the more I like it.

Hello Tony. I like the comparison between cathedral and house. If they were only drinking White Lightning then that would vaguely resonate with a whirlwind, but the Piggy Stick and porch/garage leaves me cold. I'd keep the can.

Thanks Caleb

Glad it made you think for a bit.

Piggy stick by the way, was a high strength cider they used to sell in a nightclub I once frequented lol Sorry for the arcane reference

Nice to see you again Ray!
My dying father in laws porch collected leaves because a strange whirlwind effect.

I think the connecting word is whirlwind.-of leaves, of people-flotsam and jetsam, but also of feelings.

Tony