Eye of God
Shiva dances in his ring of fire.
His hair flares out around him as he lifts
and turns and gestures, and his leg or arm
comes up to bring creation or destruction
upon the only world we comprehend.
“Truth comes as conqueror.” Now, the red blood
is dancing in our arteries. Our brain
strains to be free. And we might dance like Shiva,
our hair around us. We might watch the world
rise up and fall and perish in the end.
“In death, we are in life.” The grain must die
to be reborn, it ceases to exist.
That’s how it looks above ground, but the eye
of God sees otherwise. He has a list
of all that ever lived on Earth: of each
path taken, every turning of the heart.
He won’t forget. Like flotsam on the beach,
we come to God. We will have played our part.
Eye of God
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CalebPerry
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I don't know a lot about Shiva, the Hindu god. What I notice about the poem is that you segue from Shiva to "God", by which I assume you mean the Western god. The first two stanzas sound good together, and the third and fourth stanzas also sound good together. Maybe I'm tired, but I'm not quite seeing the connection among all four.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Hi Caleb,
You are quite right to spot a divide between 1-2 and 3-4, and it's good to hear the two halves work fine on their own. As you know, I work on a sort of kaleidoscopic or jigsaw puzzle or mosaic method, where I assemble bits into what passes for poetry.
Now here, I would argue there is a continuity: it's the idea of seeing day & night, life & death, creation & destruction as two sides of the same coin. Shiva Nataraja exemplifies this perfectly: as he dances, he brings creation and destruction alike, he doesn't distinguish. And I go on to suggest that for God, the distinction between thel iving and the dead is not so easy or relevant: what is above ground or under it, he tracks both. It's a Hindu point of view perhaps.
Cheers,
John
Here is Shiva Nataraja dancing:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nataraja# ... A_edit.jpg
You are quite right to spot a divide between 1-2 and 3-4, and it's good to hear the two halves work fine on their own. As you know, I work on a sort of kaleidoscopic or jigsaw puzzle or mosaic method, where I assemble bits into what passes for poetry.
Now here, I would argue there is a continuity: it's the idea of seeing day & night, life & death, creation & destruction as two sides of the same coin. Shiva Nataraja exemplifies this perfectly: as he dances, he brings creation and destruction alike, he doesn't distinguish. And I go on to suggest that for God, the distinction between thel iving and the dead is not so easy or relevant: what is above ground or under it, he tracks both. It's a Hindu point of view perhaps.
Cheers,
John
Here is Shiva Nataraja dancing:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nataraja# ... A_edit.jpg
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
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- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I see your point, and the poem makes a little more sense to me now. It's interesting how you rhymed the stanzas 3 and 4, but not 1 and 2. I've seen you do that before.
If two parts of a poem were sufficiently different, I would sometimes use an ellipsis of asterisks (centered between two stanzas) to indicate the division. I can't say why, but the extra space you use just looks to me like a formatting error.
If two parts of a poem were sufficiently different, I would sometimes use an ellipsis of asterisks (centered between two stanzas) to indicate the division. I can't say why, but the extra space you use just looks to me like a formatting error.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Thanks for coming back, Caleb - it's good to hear the poem makes a little more sense, which suggests to me it hangs together a little better as well.
I know what you mean about the formatting error look, and have dithered on this device. But I've found, printing the MS., that using it throughout the MS. does indicate the various poems' sections, and also looks a little more modern: my work risks looking old-fashioned as is, and some play with typography suggests I am open to innovation. It shows up in maybe 1/3 of the poems.
Also yes, rhymed and unrhymed meet. There's one rhyme though in S1-2 to pull it together.
What do you htink?
Cheers,
John
I know what you mean about the formatting error look, and have dithered on this device. But I've found, printing the MS., that using it throughout the MS. does indicate the various poems' sections, and also looks a little more modern: my work risks looking old-fashioned as is, and some play with typography suggests I am open to innovation. It shows up in maybe 1/3 of the poems.
Also yes, rhymed and unrhymed meet. There's one rhyme though in S1-2 to pull it together.
What do you htink?
Cheers,
John
Like the vivid hair imagery John. we have played our part...I have noticed that thread in other parts of the M/S. A nod to Shakespeare's actor/stage metaphor. My thoughts also went to the self-absorbed nature of madness as opposed to the selfless contribution message in some religious thinking. The consequences of being alive, that wreckage on the shore, was a grim vision as well the boss man with His list!
It has taken me time to adjust to the gear shift in reading your structural choice. I have bought into the approach, mainly as a reflection of the fluidity of experience that cannot be anchored with a singular approach.
It has taken me time to adjust to the gear shift in reading your structural choice. I have bought into the approach, mainly as a reflection of the fluidity of experience that cannot be anchored with a singular approach.
Hi Phil,
Yes, the hair! That is Shiva. We have played our part is most definitely a theme – I had a job to do, as part of a team if you like, and I did my best. I spent a few decades playing team sports, that may have factored in there. But it was how I perceived my crazy work. It does feel like Shakespeare, but elsewhere, the sport metaphor is dominant. As you say, self-absorbed vs. selfless, a key theme in the MS.
Wreckage on the shore – yes, I suppose that is grim! It’s how it came to me. And I like your idea that God’s list is grim. I took it from the Mikado in fact – “I’ve got a little list.”
As for the gear shift, I can only hope for sympathetic readers. I do get a few in contests, thank goodness. It is key to my structure, the work is a kaleidoscope. And yes, that for me very much reflects the fractured self being described. Maybe that should be my title!
Cheers,
John
Yes, the hair! That is Shiva. We have played our part is most definitely a theme – I had a job to do, as part of a team if you like, and I did my best. I spent a few decades playing team sports, that may have factored in there. But it was how I perceived my crazy work. It does feel like Shakespeare, but elsewhere, the sport metaphor is dominant. As you say, self-absorbed vs. selfless, a key theme in the MS.
Wreckage on the shore – yes, I suppose that is grim! It’s how it came to me. And I like your idea that God’s list is grim. I took it from the Mikado in fact – “I’ve got a little list.”
As for the gear shift, I can only hope for sympathetic readers. I do get a few in contests, thank goodness. It is key to my structure, the work is a kaleidoscope. And yes, that for me very much reflects the fractured self being described. Maybe that should be my title!
Cheers,
John
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CalebPerry
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- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
John, I just noticed that you asked me a question. I'm off to bed. I'll answer it later today.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
