Unwrapping the Truth (version 3)

[CalebPerry]

Unwrapping the Truth (version 3)

The thumb print on the dust
jacket of Alicia Stallings’
new book tells me more than
that the Amazon clerk
forgot to wash his hands
after a lunch of fried chicken;
compared to such blossoms
as I find inside, my efforts
are oily smudges, and my pride
a grease trap from which
immortal flowers may ever
be challenged to bloom.

========================================

Unwrapping the Truth (version 1)

The thumb print in the corner
of the dust jacket on Alicia
Stalling’s new book has
symbolic meaning beyond
the forgetfulness of some
Amazon clerk to wash his hands
after a lunch of fried chicken;
compared to her brilliance,
my efforts are greasy smudges,
and my pride is a grease trap.

☙

No sympathy please. This just slipped out.

[ton321]

Hi Caleb

I like it. It's what you might call a snap-shot poem. It feels unforced and honest.

Tony

[CalebPerry]

Thanks, Tony!

It may develop into something a little more.

[Macavity]

Unwrapping the Truth

The thumb print in the corner
of the dust jacket on Alicia
Stalling’s new book is
the forgetfulness of some
Amazon clerk to wash his hands
after a lunch of fried chicken.
All my pride is a grease trap.

A thought to compact Caleb.

A poem about self dismissal:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... -minnesota

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

I like the lines of Phil's proposed edit.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Thanks for the suggestions, guys.

Believe it or not, I think the poem does need a little trimming, if only because phases like "symbolic meaning" aren't particularly poetic. I'll work on it, but I'll probably come up with something a little different.

The James Wright poem is interesting.

[jisbell00]

I very much agree about symbolic meaning. Hard to work that phrase into a poem!

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Did I manage to improve the poem at all?

[jisbell00]

You did, but i still prefer Phil's take. I tend to find explaining in a poem very hard to bring off. I have often tried and failed.

Cheers,
John

[Macavity]

I quite like V3.

immortal orchids will ever

Just a thought

[CalebPerry]

Thank you. I'll see what I can do to get rid of the explaining.

[jisbell00]

Or to explain without explaining, if that can be done. Very Zen!

Cheers,
John

[camus]

This is probably the first poem that I've read of yours that has actually used some poetic devices. It's a poem!

It has metaphors and everything...

Good work, crap title.

Cheers
Kris

[CalebPerry]

This is probably the first poem that I've read of yours that has actually used some poetic devices. It's a poem!

It has metaphors and everything...

Good work, crap title.

Cheers
Kris

I'm sorry that you find so many of my poems disappointing.

[CalebPerry]

Phil, I just noticed your comment suggesting "orchids" -- sorry that I didn't notice it before.

Yes, "flowers" is almost too generic for a poem. I'll consider "orchids" and I'll also look into some other flower names.

I'm thinking about simplifying the language of the ending, as follows:

a grease trap from which
immortal flowers may never
have a chance to bloom.

The final two lines are in plainer language. Having asked you that, I'm aware that you have already said I should cut most of the ending. These are the lines as I have them currently:

a grease trap from which
immortal flowers may ever
be challenged to bloom.

[jisbell00]

I prefer ever and challenged.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Thanks, John. That's helpful.

Frost always liked to use the plainest language possible, and that stuck with me; but sometimes the plainest language isn't very poetic.

[jisbell00]

Absolutely. I think ever and challenged are perfectly idiomatic spoken English, and also have more poetry than the alternative. They sing a bit.

"Keep things as simple as possible, but not simpler," Einstein allegedy wrote. That has long been my motto. Both halves matter, when you're creating the theory of relativity. And yes, E=mc2 is simple.

Cheers,
John