Annihilation

[jisbell00]

Annihilation


Just as the coin’s face melts away –
just as the bread becomes divine –
so, nothing lingered that was Clay,
no atom stood of what was mine.

Just as the iron sheds its dross –
just as the wheat slips from the chaff –
so, my economy of loss
has made me whole, though less by half.

I am the glass light passes through.
I am the wafer, flat and round,
that holds God. And each thing I do
brings God, like current, to the ground.
 

[Macavity]

Intense title John to set up the poem. I liked the paradox of L8, and L1 was vivid. Not sure about the last line, sounds ugly, though I appreciate the science thread.

[jisbell00]

Thanks very much, Phil! Glad you enjoyed ll. 1 and 8, and yup, the title is looking to be intense.

The ground at the end is a pun on the electrical term (ground) and on the idea that God via the narrator descends from the skies to Earth. I get your point though about it sounding awkward. Alas, I don't have an immediate solution!

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

I like the poem too. It speaks both to the emotions and to the mind, which is hard to do.

Regarding the last line:

brings God like current back to ground.

In normal speech that would be:

brings God like a current back to the ground.

Clearly, you've condensed it to fit the iambic tetrameter format. Condensed language can be very beautiful, but in this case I think it subtracts too much from the meaning. My suggestion is that you compromise, like this:

brings God, like current, back to the ground.

That makes the line immediately more understandable. Generally speaking, throwing anapests in with iambs is considered an acceptable variant in iambic meter. Also, the small deviation from the meter in the final line gives the poem a more powerful ending, in my opinion. If doing that makes you feel uncomfortable (which I suspect it will), then see it as a metrical flourish the purpose of which is to end the poem with a bang. Having a good ending is more important than being rigid about the meter.

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

Thank you! I like your solution and am adopting it. In general, I think i underuse commas in my syntax, both in prose and in verse. And i don't mind the anapaest to finish here. I Googled a bit for electrical discussion and they do favor "the ground" in such talk. Any electrical system requires grounding, as I recall from HIgh School days. And what is God if not a form of energy?

Glad you enjoyed the poem! Yes, head and heart, nice when that works out for readers.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

I'm glad that I was able to help.

Oh, I just noticed that you managed to keep the line to 8 syllables by eliminating "back". (Now, why didn't I think of that?) As far as I can tell, the "back" isn't needed, and the line sounds just as good.

The poem is growing on me now. I may end up saving this one too. You know how to write in meter and rhyme without sounding awkward or "clotted" (a word I like to use for poetry which is too dense and awkward). You really do have a skill.

I love the fact that you write about God. I estimate that I have mentioned God in a dozen or more of my poems. Although I am the opposite of a doctrinaire Christian or Muslim, I feel a kinship with people who believe in God.

Just as a reminder, the Seth Material says that all things exist within God in a hierarchical structure, which makes God our highest self. (Sorry for proselytizing.)

[jisbell00]

You were indeed able to help, Caleb! I didn’t hear the problem in my last line, but both you and Phil found it awkward. I think writing ground for the ground is a bit of a Tontoism, and those tend to look ungainly. I am very glad to have you offer a solution. Back had more alliteration, but I agree, the line is OK without it, and more grammatical.
I am chuffed to hear you like the poem! I think I may write better in tet than in pent, and this is an example. It is very flattering to hear that I sound neither awkward (except maybe for that last line) or clotted, a term I understand completely. Poems, especially in tet, get crammed with clauses as people try to fit rhyme and meter in. It’s hard to make it simple.
I do indeed write about God! I try like you not to be doctrinaire, but I can’t very well relay what happened to me without God popping his head in. In the end, as the saying goes, God appears to believe in us, whether we believe in him or not. I have come to terms with the idea of some intelligent force we cannot see and am happy to think of that as God in my moments.
I like that you have your own beliefs independent of an established church – those tend to have their weaknesses.
Anyhow. Thanks for the visit and the prompt!

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

I'm also writing more in iambic tet, although my meter is looser than yours. I'll restrict myself to 8 or 9 syllables and let the beats fall where they choose to fall. However, I don't seem to be writing much lately. Hopefully that will end soon.

[jisbell00]

Best of luck with your writing, Caleb! Iambic tet is a splendid meter. I like to keep it pretty tight myself - then I think it sings. It's a much tighter form than pent, to my ear.

https://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/content ... eaten-lion

"Though very fat, he almost ran
To help the little gentleman."

Cheers,
John

[ton321]

Hi John

I'm not religious (lapsed Catholic) but enjoyed the thumping beat to it.
I'm no meter expert but the first beat is surely trochaic spondee, ie Dum de de ....followed by 3 trochees ie Dum de, Dum de Dum de.
The same for the next line. Then the third line changes to iambic tetrameter, with a pivot on the word "so". And the fourth line is iambic tetrameter.
So the shift of meter from trochee to iamb does match the turn of meaning-impressive.

Tony

[jisbell00]

Thanks Tony! Yes, and I think that trochaic spondee recurs in the subsequent stanzas, moving then to iambs around the second half of each stanza. I'm glad you pointed it out! I did it and liked the rhythm but had not done the analysis. I am more clever than I thought! I tend to think I write nothing but iambs.

Glad you enjoyed the poem. It is a bit Catholic, as a matter of fact, what with the wafer and the bread becoming divine. Not that I'm Catholic either.

Cheers,
John