Retirement

[CalebPerry]

Retirement (needs a better title)

When the grabber falls over
and is lying flat on the floor
and I’m not able to pick
it up because my back
is spasming, what do I do?

If I can’t get on my knees
to pick up the grabber
because my knees hurt
and my body is too large
to lift with my legs, what do I do?

If a tomato falls from the fridge
and rolls under a chair, and fruit
flies lay eggs in it, and I can’t
pick it up because my back
is spasming, and the grabber
is flat on the floor, what do I do?

When the new grabber arrives
in a flat box which is left
on the porch floor, and I can’t
pick it up because my back
is spasming and the old grabber
is flat on the floor, what do I do?

If I can’t pick up the flat box
containing the new grabber
because I can’t make a good lasso
and can’t get the lasso around
the box from my position
on the porch steps because the box
seems welded to the porch floor,
and no one walking by
offers to help or responds
when I talk, or seems to care
what I am doing because
they are self-absorb jerks
that I would kill if I could
get away with it, what do I do?

If a new grabber is coming
by special delivery, to be
handed to me at chest level,
but I can’t get to the door
because I trip on the grabber
that’s still on the floor, and
the delivery man gets tired
and leaves, what do I do?

Having slipped on the grabber
that’s flat on the floor, and fallen
on my back, with the phone
on a table in another room
and flies crawling on my face,
unable to get up because I’m
heavy and my knees hurt
and my back aches and I’m
not wearing a Medical
Alert thingie, I notice
a folded piece of paper
that’s been sitting on the floor
for six months, and I pick
it up but have nowhere
to put it because I can’t
stand up. What do I do?

☙

I'm looking for ways to make the poem more clever, humorous. The question is, does the poem work at all in its present form?

I do have in mind an ending that might be a bit funnier: Having tripped over the grabber on the floor, an now lying on the floor at eye level with the grabber, I grab it and try to lift myself up with it. I'm not sure how I'd write that, though.

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

I think it works. I like the repetition and crescendo. I think you want self-absorbed, and I would say what's on the folded paper - I think the guy should read it and it should matter, as he lies dying.

I'd change the self-absorbed jerks line though to feed back upon the narrator, although you kind of do that in the following line. Otherwise it opens out and away from the N's plight, which I don't think you want.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Thanks, John. I just want to say that I don't see this as a particularly serious poem. Originally, it was just the first stanza, but then I expanded it.

I'll try out your suggestions, although I kind of like the emotional outburst by the narrator when he's trying to pick up the box with the lasso.

[jisbell00]

Sounds good!

John

[the stranger]

I'm looking for ways to make the poem more clever, humorous. The question is, does the poem work at all in its present form?

Perhaps try and condense it? Put it into a well-known poetic form. Perhaps a villanelle? Repetition needs a reason to carry on...Be it form or reason. At present this poem seems to be a replication of anger without any real grounding and I seemed to have missed the 'humour'

Cheers
TS

[CalebPerry]

Interesting thoughts, Stranger. To me, the poem is funny (as in being ridiculous), but obviously not everyone sees it.

I've never had any interest in the strictest forms. A villanelle is something I'll never write. It's hard enough for me to write in garden-variety meter and to rhyme every other line, but that's as far as I go.

Condensing it some is a definite possibility, though.

Thanks for sharing.

[the stranger]

Interesting thoughts, Stranger. To me, the poem is funny (as in being ridiculous), but obviously not everyone sees it.

I've never had any interest in the strictest forms. A villanelle is something I'll never write. It's hard enough for me to write in garden-variety meter and to rhyme every other line, but that's as far as I go.

Well Poetry is poetry. It's challenging. You either challenge yourself, or you don't. You progress or you don't.

I'd say write a villanelle and surprise us all and yourself, or keep on keeping on with the same ole shtick. I know what I'd prefer to see!

[ray miller]

It's all a bit too telegraphed, I think and you need something written on that piece of paper. How would you know that paper has been there 6 months?

[CalebPerry]

Well Poetry is poetry. It's challenging. You either challenge yourself, or you don't. You progress or you don't.

I'd say write a villanelle and surprise us all and yourself, or keep on keeping on with the same ole shtick. I know what I'd prefer to see!

Stranger, I think your comments verge on the insulting. Because I've found a writing style I'm comfortable with doesn't mean I'm not challenging myself. Whitman wrote all of his poetry in free verse, except the one he wrote about Lincoln. Calling my writing "shtick" is also insulting. You need to think before you write.

For what it's worth, I'm not feeling inspired much these days, and this is just what I came up with. As it happens, I don't like the sound of villanelles, so I will never write one.

Ray, I'm already trying to incorporated your idea. The piece of paper the speaker finds will be a prescription for back-pain medication.

[the stranger]

Stranger, I think your comments verge on the insulting. Because I've found a writing style I'm comfortable with doesn't mean I'm not challenging myself. Whitman wrote all of his poetry in free verse, except the one he wrote about Lincoln. Calling my writing "shtick" is also insulting. You need to think before you write.

Apologies. I agree. An insensitive comment. I shall practice the art of subtlety in future, as much as my brain will allow, anyhow.

[ton321]

Hi Caleb

Much as I tried to like it, it is too repetitive in stanza and syntax form.
How about varying line length?

You know, we kind of get the gist after the first stanza. Hope you don't mind but I made an alternative version of the first stanza to illustrate my point..




When the grabber
when the grabber falls over
and is lying flat on the floor
lying flat on the floor because I’m not
lying flat on the floor because my back is spasiming
What do I do?
What do I do if I can’t
What do I do if I cant get on my knees........

There are line breaks that could be included, but do you see that there are many point of repetition that you can vary. Also vary the syntax, but repeat it, but different...just some ideas.

If it's humour your after, then the only humour here might be Samuel Beckett...

Tony

[David]

I like it, Caleb. It spirals nicely. The repetition works for me as a device in the poem. It's a bit like "This is the house that Jack built".

Cheers

David