And away
(The final part of my medical adventure)
They take me out, as if I were a bun
emerging from the oven, nicely done,
or one of Lord Carnarvon’s photographs.
“I feel like the Mummy!” No one laughs.
The nurse stands by, in case she needs to help
me back into my reassembled self.
My partner is still reading in her chair.
We move toward the unrestricted air,
not looking back, although the chances are
that this is not goodbye but au revoir.
(My eyes dazzle briefly, as they might
for blinking Lazarus surprised by light.)
After a coffee and a quick sit-down
we take a waiting taxi into town.
They take me out, as if I were a bun
emerging from the oven, nicely done,
or one of Lord Carnarvon’s photographs.
“I feel like the Mummy!” No one laughs.
The nurse stands by, in case she needs to help
me back into my reassembled self.
My partner is still reading in her chair.
We move toward the unrestricted air,
not looking back, although the chances are
that this is not goodbye but au revoir.
(My eyes dazzle briefly, as they might
for blinking Lazarus surprised by light.)
After a coffee and a quick sit-down
we take a waiting taxi into town.
- the stranger
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 324
- Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:40 am
David,
Is the title a little nod to 'Gone Fishing'? I do hope so.
Hangs together really nicely, some wonderful subtle rhymes. That said I'll need to put this poem in context, so will check out your previous.
Cheers
TS
Is the title a little nod to 'Gone Fishing'? I do hope so.
Hangs together really nicely, some wonderful subtle rhymes. That said I'll need to put this poem in context, so will check out your previous.
Cheers
TS
It is indeed. That was exactly how it felt to me.the stranger wrote: ↑Sun Dec 24, 2023 4:20 pmDavid,
Is the title a little nod to 'Gone Fishing'? I do hope so.
Cheers
David
My first thought too. Instantly brought a little bit of joy and set me up for the poem.the stranger wrote: ↑Sun Dec 24, 2023 4:20 pmIs the title a little nod to 'Gone Fishing'? I do hope so.
Again, David, just lovely. Can't find fault with it. L3/4 made me chuckle, referencing things which others either don't get or don't find amusing will always be funny.
All the best,
nash
- CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3078
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I'd like to see more interesting language. As I read the poem, alternative language popped into my mind, so I thought I'd share it.
emerging from the oven, nicely done,
[sliding from the oven, nicely done] ----- this keeps the meter
“I feel like the Mummy!” No one laughs.
[“I feel like a Mummy!” No one laughs.]
me back into my reassembled self.
[me reassemble my scattered self] ----- one beat is lost
My partner is still reading in her chair.
[My partner is still patient in her chair.]
that this is not goodbye but au revoir. ----- I like this line
we take a waiting taxi into town.
[we hail an idle taxi into town.] ----- of course, it's not idle once it starts to move
These were just thoughts, which you should feel free to ignore given that you do meter better than I do. Sorry for doing a NotQuiteSure on you.
emerging from the oven, nicely done,
[sliding from the oven, nicely done] ----- this keeps the meter
“I feel like the Mummy!” No one laughs.
[“I feel like a Mummy!” No one laughs.]
me back into my reassembled self.
[me reassemble my scattered self] ----- one beat is lost
My partner is still reading in her chair.
[My partner is still patient in her chair.]
that this is not goodbye but au revoir. ----- I like this line
we take a waiting taxi into town.
[we hail an idle taxi into town.] ----- of course, it's not idle once it starts to move
These were just thoughts, which you should feel free to ignore given that you do meter better than I do. Sorry for doing a NotQuiteSure on you.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Sorry all, I missed this (apart from Kris's comment) over the festive period.
Cheers all
David
Yay! Thanks John.
That'll do me, Tony. Thanks.
No worries, Caleb. Somebody's got to do it.CalebPerry wrote: ↑Mon Dec 25, 2023 3:51 amThese were just thoughts, which you should feel free to ignore given that you do meter better than I do. Sorry for doing a NotQuiteSure on you.
Thanks John. Gone Fishing you might profitably seek out on the BBC i-Player. Lord Carnarvon was the financial backer of the search for and excavation of Tutankhamun's tomb. Hence the Mummy (in my mind, at least).
Cheers all
David
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- Posts: 7432
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
We move toward the unrestricted air,
not looking back, although the chances are
that this is not goodbye but au revoir.
Lovely. It's all great. I get the mummy reference, not the fishing. Dunno if you need those last 2 lines, or the brackets above them, blinking Lazarus a good place to end.
not looking back, although the chances are
that this is not goodbye but au revoir.
Lovely. It's all great. I get the mummy reference, not the fishing. Dunno if you need those last 2 lines, or the brackets above them, blinking Lazarus a good place to end.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Great. Thanks Ray. Let me see about finishing on Lazarus.ray miller wrote: ↑Thu Jan 11, 2024 10:23 amWe move toward the unrestricted air,
not looking back, although the chances are
that this is not goodbye but au revoir.
Lovely. It's all great. I get the mummy reference, not the fishing. Dunno if you need those last 2 lines, or the brackets above them, blinking Lazarus a good place to end.
Cheers
David
- camus
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Hey David,
Very much enjoyed your 'medical adventure' poems. The very ordinariness of it all was expertly captured, no hysterics, no Facebook updates, just a stoic acceptance. Plus some lovely turns of phrase and observations. Perfect title for the final poem.
Coincidentally (having recently been through it) I was writing my own, but after reading yours I thought better of it. I drifted into a darker place, which wasn't much fun. I may give it another shot though.
Cheers
Kris
Very much enjoyed your 'medical adventure' poems. The very ordinariness of it all was expertly captured, no hysterics, no Facebook updates, just a stoic acceptance. Plus some lovely turns of phrase and observations. Perfect title for the final poem.
Coincidentally (having recently been through it) I was writing my own, but after reading yours I thought better of it. I drifted into a darker place, which wasn't much fun. I may give it another shot though.
Cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
Great. Thanks Kris. I think you should write your own poem, or sequence. It would be much darker, of course, but at least you would at the end - I hope and trust - emerge into the light.
And, if nothing else, it's a little self-therapy. Talking always helps, even if it's only with yourself. And it can clarify things a bit.
Cheers
David
And, if nothing else, it's a little self-therapy. Talking always helps, even if it's only with yourself. And it can clarify things a bit.
Cheers
David