A Dream of Birds.
I was in a deep valley
with cliffs either side
rearing up like history
of a forgotten world,
there were cries of birds
piercing and plaintive,
weaving a sound
with the needles of beaks.
They were from prehistory;
the first kind of bird
when wings were new
as new-minted coins,
migrating from lands
before maps were thought of,
out of reach of voices
or progressions of thought;
they flew above me
in slow succession
taking their time
in the gathering air,
their cries undulating
like grassy valleys,
in a steady warm wind,
fixed in their certainty-
the hoop of movement,
towards their green goal.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
- the stranger
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 324
- Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:40 am
I enjoyed the sentiment, the possibilities...
I think the poem was let down by unnecessary repetition?
'History' 'Pre-History' 'new as new-minted coins' 'thought of' 'thought'
It seems a mixture of visions not quite tightened up enough?
A good first draft though.
Cheers
TS
I think the poem was let down by unnecessary repetition?
'History' 'Pre-History' 'new as new-minted coins' 'thought of' 'thought'
It seems a mixture of visions not quite tightened up enough?
A good first draft though.
Cheers
TS
I like it. I particularly like:
All the best,
nash
S2 is a little clunky to my ear and could do with some work.. Personally, I'd get shot of L1 and L4. 'Prehistory' seems a bit superfluous when you have L2 doing that same job but more poetically. Same with L4, L3 does the job perfectly well (and I'm not sure that new-minted coins works as a simile for wings, does it?)
All the best,
nash
Thanks David, appreciate the kindness of response.
Stranger- I can see the repetition , but it was kind of meant to be like that, sorry if you didn't like that.
Thanks for the comments Nash, it's appreciated that you took a look.
Tony
Stranger- I can see the repetition , but it was kind of meant to be like that, sorry if you didn't like that.
Thanks for the comments Nash, it's appreciated that you took a look.
Tony
Last edited by ton321 on Mon Dec 25, 2023 3:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
- CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3083
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! Christmas is a time to be merry and miserable, not happy! You Brits have been watching too much Mary Berry, the only person who really loves Christmas.
It's not a bad poem, Tony. I think the language needs tweaking in places, and some of the images. Even though they are slightly different words, history/prehistory sound redundant. "The first kind of bird/new minted coins" -- do those images work together? I'm not sure. Birds flying in slow succession -- do "flying" and "slow succession" make sense? I think of flying as a fast activity. You might try to make the language a little more rhythmic.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.