Waters of Dream
At 7 a.m., the sky’s an unadulterated blue.
“Why is this day different from all other days?”
Because it’s a new day.
Behind the sky, the planets
move along their well-worn orbits.
“Ella si va, sentendosi lodare” –
an ant crosses the floor.
Heaven and Earth are not commensurate.
A young ant crosses the floor.
The stars, the stars are eight hours old,
and they call out like newborns,
blanketing the heavens with melody.
If you jump, you can just touch the nearest stars.
As dawn breaks, they all tangle in the treetops,
and shake free as the sun nudges them.
Everywhere in the fields, early risers are leaping in the air.
It’s a new-minted day,
and the waters of dream are receding.
Waters of Dream
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3077
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
There are some nice images in the poem. It has a dream-like quality, as if you haven't entirely awakened yet. The question is whether mere words can evoke the feelings you were having at the moment -- that's a very hard thing for words to do, especially with dream feelings. You are trying to be profound. Whether or not you succeeded, I'm not sure. The repetition about the ant comes across as just a repetition.
I'm having a "sick day", a day in which my health issues are ganging up on me. I'm going down for a nap. I'll come back later and read it again. Sometimes I have to digest a poem for a while before I know how I feel about it.
I'm having a "sick day", a day in which my health issues are ganging up on me. I'm going down for a nap. I'll come back later and read it again. Sometimes I have to digest a poem for a while before I know how I feel about it.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Hi Caleb,
I hope you feel better.
This is a poem I wrote when manic - hence I think the dreamlike quality. As to whether I have successfully evoked that state for a moment, that may depend on the reader. It's a poem that has changed very little in the past twenty years.
Cheers,
John
I hope you feel better.
This is a poem I wrote when manic - hence I think the dreamlike quality. As to whether I have successfully evoked that state for a moment, that may depend on the reader. It's a poem that has changed very little in the past twenty years.
Cheers,
John
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3077
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I've figured out that my malaise today is probably due to eating too many nuts. Having decided that I needed to add nuts to my diet, I overdid it, and now my intestines are complaining. I feel like I've eaten a pound of pebbles.
I guess I have to be honest and say that the poem is interesting but not something I can relate to personally. But that's okay. Not every poem is meant for public consumption. Some are just too private. I hate to tell you when I don't love one of your poems because I don't want to alienate you. You are critiquing my poems more than anyone else here.
I guess I have to be honest and say that the poem is interesting but not something I can relate to personally. But that's okay. Not every poem is meant for public consumption. Some are just too private. I hate to tell you when I don't love one of your poems because I don't want to alienate you. You are critiquing my poems more than anyone else here.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
No problem, Caleb, you don't have to relate to every poem I write! Interesting but alien to me is a helpful review for me and not one that upsets me in the slightest. BTW, I try to critique every poem posted on PAT - there are so few - so I don't expect to stop critiquing yours. 
Cheers,
John
Cheers,
John
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the stranger
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 324
- Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:40 am
A brave move I suppose, using a title so well associated with another poet!
To me it's a very innocent view, almost chid-like, but refreshing non the less.
I think the 'new day' is over-used, especially in relation to the powerful title, that should do some of the heavy lifting I think, doesn't require it hammering home so often, perhaps allowing for more descriptions or insights?
Cheers
TS
To me it's a very innocent view, almost chid-like, but refreshing non the less.
I think the 'new day' is over-used, especially in relation to the powerful title, that should do some of the heavy lifting I think, doesn't require it hammering home so often, perhaps allowing for more descriptions or insights?
Cheers
TS
Hello John, not sure what to make of this one.
Is an aubade not a poem about lovers parting, bemoaning the encroaching morning? Could be wrong, but I'm not getting that sense from this.
I haven't googled a translation for S2 L3 yet, perhaps there's a key there.
There seems to be a profundity to S3 with the semi-repeat of L1 and L3, but I'm not getting it.
S4, I'm not sure why the stars are 8 hours old. Is L3 alluding to The Music of The Spheres?
Yep, at a bit of a loss here.
nash
Is an aubade not a poem about lovers parting, bemoaning the encroaching morning? Could be wrong, but I'm not getting that sense from this.
I haven't googled a translation for S2 L3 yet, perhaps there's a key there.
There seems to be a profundity to S3 with the semi-repeat of L1 and L3, but I'm not getting it.
S4, I'm not sure why the stars are 8 hours old. Is L3 alluding to The Music of The Spheres?
Yep, at a bit of a loss here.
nash
Hi TS, hi Nash,
I’ve changed the title - thank you both! The old one misled. The Italian says „she goes along hearing herself praised,“ from Dante‘s Vita nuova and thus about Beatrice. Here, it’s the ant. I agree, TS, the second new day needs fixing - I don’t yet see the solution. The first refers to the Passover Haggadah, which begins with that question, more or less (it says night). There, the answer is different.
Nash, you are right to spot the music of the spheres here. I quite like my young ant and the 8-hour-old stars, two manic details that I hope give some indication of mania. I was certainly manic when I wrote this, 25 years ago or so.
But if the poem remains too hermetic, it may need more work. In context, readers will be attuned to mania though.
Update: I’ve tweaked the stars and the new day at the end.
Cheers,
John
I’ve changed the title - thank you both! The old one misled. The Italian says „she goes along hearing herself praised,“ from Dante‘s Vita nuova and thus about Beatrice. Here, it’s the ant. I agree, TS, the second new day needs fixing - I don’t yet see the solution. The first refers to the Passover Haggadah, which begins with that question, more or less (it says night). There, the answer is different.
Nash, you are right to spot the music of the spheres here. I quite like my young ant and the 8-hour-old stars, two manic details that I hope give some indication of mania. I was certainly manic when I wrote this, 25 years ago or so.
But if the poem remains too hermetic, it may need more work. In context, readers will be attuned to mania though.
Update: I’ve tweaked the stars and the new day at the end.
Cheers,
John