This has already been published - just recently, in Snakeskin - but it's the first of a longer sequence of poems, so I thought I might as well post it here before any of the others, so that you can follow the sequence ...
Not
with all my worldly goods do I endow
this locker, just what I have on me now:
wallet, glasses, phone, my favourite shirt –
a little gallant gesture couldn’t hurt,
I thought – and all the stuff in which I hide
the naked thing that’s shivering inside.
Reduced to underpants, socks and shoes,
and flimsy linen gown, rather loose,
I venture forth to find the kindly nurse
who brisks about my blood pressure and pulse,
attaching wires, while I lie supine,
as though she’s imitating Frankenstein
or mapping Leonardo’s perfect man.
(I think I will be better, if I can.)
He is taken in for his appointment
Hi David,
Yup, that works for me. Nice to read it again! I find myself thinking of Pope as I navigate the heroic couplets, and that plays off nicely against the subject matter. I think Pope might have approved! And you do play with meter more than Pope would, to mark the modernity of the thing. The opening conceit is very nice. Oh - the piece reads, to me, as if by someone who knows whereof they speak.
Cheers,
John
Yup, that works for me. Nice to read it again! I find myself thinking of Pope as I navigate the heroic couplets, and that plays off nicely against the subject matter. I think Pope might have approved! And you do play with meter more than Pope would, to mark the modernity of the thing. The opening conceit is very nice. Oh - the piece reads, to me, as if by someone who knows whereof they speak.
Cheers,
John
Elegant write, as always, David, despite the circumstances. Perhaps a mental detachment is the only defence. The 'flimsy linen gown' triggered a memory (the sense of exposure, demeaning powerlessness). The value of worldly goods was nicely placed, though I did wonder what a fav. Callin shirt would be 
Looking forward to the sequence.
Looking forward to the sequence.-
CalebPerry
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That's a very fine poem indeed. I really like it. It is about an ordinary experience, but it really sings. It carries the reader along very nicely.
Happily, I haven't been asked to strip for a doctor's appointment since I was young. American doctors just look at what they need to look at. The last thing my female doctor wants to do is to look at any private parts of me or, God forbid, give me that hernia test.
David, I'd like to store this in my file of favorite poems by other authors. Can you either remind me of your last name, or direct me to the Snakeskin page, so I can attribute the poem to you? You'll be keeping good company with the Greats in that file.
Oh, never mind, I just found it on Snakeskin. I hope some day to write something this good.
Happily, I haven't been asked to strip for a doctor's appointment since I was young. American doctors just look at what they need to look at. The last thing my female doctor wants to do is to look at any private parts of me or, God forbid, give me that hernia test.
David, I'd like to store this in my file of favorite poems by other authors. Can you either remind me of your last name, or direct me to the Snakeskin page, so I can attribute the poem to you? You'll be keeping good company with the Greats in that file.
Oh, never mind, I just found it on Snakeskin. I hope some day to write something this good.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
This is just perfect, David. To me, it's reading as I would expect one to feel during such an experience, that charming, elegant exterior (which the poem has) being stripped away and leaving that frightened child inside us all, thinking about its own mortality.
Luckily, I haven't had this sort of experience (yet, I suppose), but Mrs.Nash has and the poem gets a thumbs up from her. Her words were, "Yep, he's really hit the nail on the head there."
All the best to you,
nash
Luckily, I haven't had this sort of experience (yet, I suppose), but Mrs.Nash has and the poem gets a thumbs up from her. Her words were, "Yep, he's really hit the nail on the head there."
All the best to you,
nash
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ray miller
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Lovely poem.The last 4 lines are terrific. My only slight quibble would be "brisks about" , I mean, who would say that and there's obvious alternatives. I'm assuming it's a personal experience - nothing serious, I hope.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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CalebPerry
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I just want to share my view that "brisks about" is a highly creative use of our language, and I think it adds significantly to the poem.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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CalebPerry
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- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
David, although the poem is perfect just as it is, the last time I read it (I've read it several times now simply because I find it so beautiful), I found myself wondering if one change might not improve the ending a little:
Instead of this:
(I think I will be better, if I can.)
this:
(I think I will get better, if I can.)
Saying "get" might add a dimension to the poem, as if you are saying, "I need to get better so I don't have to endure this again. "Be" also conveys that meaning, but not as explicitly. "Get" is an action verb, and "be" is an existential word; the action words always win the day in poetry (in my view).
Just a thought.
Instead of this:
(I think I will be better, if I can.)
this:
(I think I will get better, if I can.)
Saying "get" might add a dimension to the poem, as if you are saying, "I need to get better so I don't have to endure this again. "Be" also conveys that meaning, but not as explicitly. "Get" is an action verb, and "be" is an existential word; the action words always win the day in poetry (in my view).
Just a thought.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Thanks John. (Especially for the Pope. He is a great man for couplets, isn't he?) It is, indeed, taken from life, and quite recently.
And thank you Mac. Your quote reminds me that I was brought up, sharp, on the linen gown when I first posted this (elsewhere) - it was cotton, and I should have made that change here. And in truth the shirt is not a wild one at all, but I feel comfortable in it.
Very pleased you like it, Caleb. I'm honoured to be filed away with your favourites.
Thanks John. That's great. And how lovely to hear (indirectly) from Mrs. Nash again. All the best to her (and to you).
Thanks Ray. Glad you like it. I was quite pleased with "brisks about" until you mentioned it. It is an invention of my own, though, and I suppose that shows.
And thanks Tristan.
Yes, personal experience, but I think I've come out the other end now. We'll see. Anyway, I've another one to post now.
Cheers all
David
And thank you Mac. Your quote reminds me that I was brought up, sharp, on the linen gown when I first posted this (elsewhere) - it was cotton, and I should have made that change here. And in truth the shirt is not a wild one at all, but I feel comfortable in it.
Very pleased you like it, Caleb. I'm honoured to be filed away with your favourites.
Thanks John. That's great. And how lovely to hear (indirectly) from Mrs. Nash again. All the best to her (and to you).
Thanks Ray. Glad you like it. I was quite pleased with "brisks about" until you mentioned it. It is an invention of my own, though, and I suppose that shows.
And thanks Tristan.
Yes, personal experience, but I think I've come out the other end now. We'll see. Anyway, I've another one to post now.
Cheers all
David
Hi David,
Just to say it is good to hear you may have come out the other end now. Baudelaire talks about poetry as alchemy, and this I think is a case in point.
Forgot to say: these titles are very C18th as well. I think of Fielding or of Sterne. It lends the whole series a particular tone. I can picture Gillray or Rowlandson illustrating, or maybe Hogarth, as in The Rake's Progress.
Cheers,
John
Just to say it is good to hear you may have come out the other end now. Baudelaire talks about poetry as alchemy, and this I think is a case in point.
Forgot to say: these titles are very C18th as well. I think of Fielding or of Sterne. It lends the whole series a particular tone. I can picture Gillray or Rowlandson illustrating, or maybe Hogarth, as in The Rake's Progress.
Cheers,
John
