Edifice of Grief

[jisbell00]

Edifice of Grief


The City of Suffering, with its postal districts,
its blank estaminets. Amid the trite
blah-blah, the fuss and bustle, who has time
to bend to every passer-by? For grief
requires a moment. In this bracing cold,
those gloves you wear might bring you some relief.

I know a few varieties of pain.
The still, unmoving water. The immense
light of the sun. The places that remain.
The ground beneath my feet like common sense.
The bright thing gone. The brave and equal rain.

I was out this morning in the interstellar cold,
before the sun came up. The constellations
went through me as a nail will go through wood.
Snow covered all things, and I couldn’t see

one solitary angel on the climb
that reaches past our rooftops to Orion,
on winter nights in downtown Bloomington.

They may be sitting in the halls of Heaven –
frost on the windows out into the world –

with cocoa by the fire, on nights like this.



Edited:
title
Solitary Angel

S2: Here are a few varieties of pain.
The still, unmoving water. The immense

There are a few varieties of pain
a person may run into. The immense


Here, folk believe in other gods.
If Orpheus
brought up Eurydice, so I
brought dead souls through the dark earth. Every soul
was in my keeping, and of equal weight.

[jisbell00]

Hi folks,

Excuse me bumping this poem up but I don't think people have seen it. It was previously called "Edifice of Grief."

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

I think this is an effective poem. I can't say that I understand, in a literal sense, what is happening in the poem (if anything, since it doesn't have much narrative), but the succession of images evoked a response in me. The poem creates a distinctive mood, a feeling of being lost or alone. There is a scattered feeling here. Having said that, I'd like to know what you had in mind while you were writing it.

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

It is a bit static, isn't it? I think that's especially stanzas 1 and 2, with their lack of main verbs. This seems to me a decent way of representing chronic pain, which is really the subject here. Maybe I should return to the old title, "Edifice of grief."

The third section I think does have a plot to it! But grief is still at the heart of it. I'm glad you liked it all fine and felt it created a mood.

If it's bitty, that's a risk I've incurred (here and throughout) by my jigsaw puzzle method. I hope a unified impression comes through through centrifugal experience of it all, people like organic totality.

Cheers,
John

[nash]

Hello John,

Beautifully written, as I'm coming to expect from you. Your skill with metre is enviable.

I like the diminishing stanza lengths, it makes the reader feel like the poem is closing in on them (at least, it does me). The number of lines could fit into a 6,5,4,3,2,1 stanza pattern which would give extra emphasis on the "...and I couldn't see" line break. Just thinking out loud there.

I prefer the new title.

All the best,
nash

[jisbell00]

Hi Nash,

Aw shucks, as the Cowardly Lion used to say. Thank you for the good word!

That's a very interesting observation about the poem closing in, and a very interesting idea about the poem layout! Would it look something like the poem now?

I do like the way is stresses the enjambment on the solitary angel, and it reminds me a bit of the Mouse's Tale in Lewis Carroll. It's not a form I've used before, but here, it seems fresh and a propos. Thank you!

I like this current title as well. I also think it better resolves some of the questions raised by Caleb on first reading.

Cheers,
John

[David]

I like this one, John. I also like Nash's 6-5-4-3-2-1 idea, but I'm going to blow that to high heaven (appropriately for the poem) by suggesting that you lose S2, which I think is too much in your didactic mode, to which you often turn. I'm not a great believer in "show, don't tell" - I think a good poem can do what it likes - but S5 sounds to me too much like the teacher addressing the class. Also I'm having trouble in identifying your details here - where I like the modifiers in each case - as varieties of pain.

I think the jump from V1 to your current V3 would work really well. And I really like the ending.

You're very lucky to have Nasher back and commenting on your poems. It's something that's been missing from here for too long. Long it may continue, although I expect it won't be long before he's saddling up and heading for the high plains again. I'd like to be wrong.

Cheers

David

[nash]

Aah, David, you old charmer! You make me sound like some sort of Sergio Leone-esque, wandering poet-with-no-name (...which you damn well know really appeals to my under-inflated ego). If I could come anywhere near to that figure then it would probably be more The Littlest Hobo than Eastwood! I'd like to say I'll be sticking around but I get easily distrac..............

[jisbell00]

Hi David, hi Nash,

I am enjoying your back and forth.

David, I think part of the problem with S2 may have been the opening hectoring tone: “Here are…” So I am trying going back to the original “There are,” which I think presumes less upon the reader. I like my list of varieties of pain and the fact that none of them are obviously painful, which is really the point. That to my mind is where the poetry comes into that stanza.

Anyhow, I am curious as to whether the change makes the stanza less bothersome for you (and others). If you’re still finding it kills the mood, then I’ll have to look seriously at your suggestion, and think about how smooth the progression is without it. The whole thing is a jigsaw puzzle in which I attempt like Kai in the Snow Queen’s palace to assemble meaning. Thank you for liking the ending, by the way!

I am very happy to have Nash’s remarks on the poems, they have inspired me and allowed me to improve the work, two fine things. And it is good to see an old regular at PAT swinging back through these parts.

Nash, I also like the precursor to the man with no name, Alan Ladd in the great Shane, as here:


Cheers,
John

[jisbell00]

Hi folks,

I'm trying out a tweak to make S2 less categorical, possibly less telly.

Cheers,
John

Update: I've restored Version Two. I think the list of varieties of pain has a delicate balance, and adding "a person may run into" loses that balance. Hmm.

[jisbell00]

I may have cracked S2.

Cheers,
John

[nash]

That's a good edit on S2, John. Didn't like the "run into" edit, but this new edit is less prescriptive (if that's the right word) than the original.

[jisbell00]

Thank you, Nash! Yes, this feels right. It's funny, my old motto when trying to give people advice (as I sometimes do) is to couch all my thoughts in a first person narrative: "I did this, I do that" and so forth. But here, the idea had completely sailed over my head! It does now seem less hectoring than the alternatives. And I agree, the run into thing unfortunately failed. We live and learn.

Cheers,
John

[ray miller]

Enjoyed. I'd agree with David about the 2nd stanza, it feels like it's trying too hard to adopt a poetic tone.

[jisbell00]

Hi Ray,

Hmm. It does beat its flanks a bit to be poetic, doesn't it? I think the stanza is better now, but that slightly precious feel lingers. More's the pity.

I'd very much like to keep Nash's 6-5-4-3-2-1 structure. I'm trying out another five-line stanza as S2. Here's what I've now got there:

Here, folk believe in other gods.
If Orpheus
brought up Eurydice, so I
brought dead souls through the dark earth. Every soul
was in my keeping, and of equal weight.

A thid option would be these five lines:

After the extremely large weight fell on my toes,
I was in doubt as to the merciful nature of God.
I could not reconcile my hilarious accident
with a providential plan for all Mankind.
But when the second weight fell on my toes, I had to laugh.

Cheers,
John

Update: I've lived with options two and three for a while, and though I like the line "Here, folk believe in other gods," I've decided that of the three, I prefer option one. So back it goes!