Ode to My Eyebrows (version 3)

[CalebPerry]

Ode to My Eyebrows (version 3)

As the forest on my crown thins,
and the ebony shoots of my mane
fade to the grays of bleached wood, I am
consoled by my young brows, still dark,
still the striking lintels of my eyes,
eyes which seek out truth, drive home points,
stare down fools, and look for sense
in the chaos of a crumbling age;
and if from my elder writer’s cage
I no longer have the sinews,
the frame, to compel my will amidst
the mounting wreckage, I am soothed
to know that the world is moved
by words, and never was by force.

==============

Ode to My Eyebrows (version 2)

As the forest on my crown thins,
and the ebony shoots of my mane
fade to the grays of bleached wood, I am
consoled by my young brows, still dark,
still the striking lintels of my eyes,
eyes which seek out truth, drive home points,
stare down fools, and look for sense
in the chaos of a crumbling age;
and if I no longer have the frame,
the sinews to compel my will
amidst the mounting wreckage,
I am glad to know that the world
is moved more by words than by force.

alternative ending:

I am glad to know the world is moved
more by what I say than what I do.

==============

Ode to My Eyebrows (original)

As the forest on my crown thins,
and the ebony shoots of my mane
fade to the grays of bleached wood, I am
consoled by my young brows, still dark,
still the striking lintels of my eyes,
eyes which seek out truth, drive home points,
stare down fools, and look for sense
in the chaos of a crumbling age;
and if I no longer have the frame,
the sinews to compel my will,
I am satisfied to know the world
is moved by words, and not by force.

☙

Not sure what I'm saying here, but I was inspired when I noticed that my eyebrows are still dark brown while my hair has gone gray.

[Macavity]

As the forest on my crown thins,
and the dark shoots of my mane fade
to the grays of bleached wood, I am
consoled by my young brows, still dark,
still the striking lintels of my eyes,
my eyes which seek out truth, make my points,
stare down fools, and try to find sense
in the chaos of the crumbling world.
And if I no longer have the frame,
the sinews to compel my will,
I am satisfied to know the world
is moved by words, and not by force.

☙

Not sure what I'm saying here, but I was inspired when I noticed that my eyebrows are still dark brown while my hair has gone gray.

The fun title hooked me in Caleb. The 'consolation' of eyebrows is a fun visual too. The poem progresses from personal matters of youth/age/looks to a philosophy of life. For me, the wisdom of the poem was resilience.

Bw

Phil

[CalebPerry]

Thank you so much, Phil. I take it that the poem works for you. As I prepared to go to the doctor, I imagined the poem one way, then wrote it very differently when I got home.

[jisbell00]

Hi folks,

We have internet! And i take this moment to say i enjoyed the poem quite a bit. As Phil says, fun stuff!

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, John!

[ray miller]

I've got that thing with the eyebrows too. People tell me I look like Steve Martin, but better obviously. Hasn't this poem rather drifted off track towards the end, lost the eyebrows theme?

[nash]

I agree with Ray, This does go a bit off-piste after L5. I think the title is sending us in the wrong direction.

All the best,
nash

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, guys.

I guess what I'm trying to say in the poem is that my still-dark eyebrows are telling me I am still somewhat young, still vital, still powerful -- if only via my words.

Phil seemed to get it, but you don't think it works at all. I'll have to think about it.

Thanks again.

[David]

I quite enjoy the elevated language here, Caleb. It makes me think of an aging film star, famous for his looks, soliloquising (philosophically) in front of the mirror.

I'm not sure about the ending either. I too would like to think that "the world / is moved by words, and not by force", but I can't quite do it, and I don't think the poem leads us to that conclusion. I wish it did. In fact, like Ray and Nash, I don't see how the conclusion relates to what's gone before at all. There must be some missing clue you need to give us.

Cheers

David

[CalebPerry]

I quite enjoy the elevated language here, Caleb. It makes me think of an aging film star, famous for his looks, soliloquising (philosophically) in front of the mirror.

I'm not sure about the ending either. I too would like to think that "the world / is moved by words, and not by force", but I can't quite do it, and I don't think the poem leads us to that conclusion. I wish it did. In fact, like Ray and Nash, I don't see how the conclusion relates to what's gone before at all. There must be some missing clue you need to give us.

Thank you for weighing in again, David. As I said before, I really think the poem is about youth and age, so for me there is a direct connection between my graying pate and my lack of vigor. "Words" come into play because I am a poet and the reader is reading a poem I've written.

However, I understand that you don't see the connection, and I am looking at ways to turn the poem into something else. I'd love to hear again from Phil or John, both of whom seemed to get the poem. In the mean time, I'm still reading it and looking for different angles. Perhaps all I need to do is to add a line in the middle of the poem to make the connection for the reader. Certainly, I need to be more explicit (and yet, being explicit in my poetry often seems to turn people off).

Thanks again.

================

New version posted.

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

Rereading, it's true you've got a shift in your review of aging from looks to vigor. Both alter with age but I think maybe a problem for some is the shift fom the one to the other. In that case, you might add a brief mention of vigor to the opening section, before you mention the eyebrows. They are both young-looking and vigorous-looking, i think.
My feeling is that if you prepare readers for that shift they won't be thrown when they get to it.

Oh - i was also a bit puzzled by your focus on the old power your eyes had, but that may tie into the vigor theme.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, John. That's useful. I'll keep working on it.

It's pretty clear that my brain makes connections that not all readers make. But if I am making a connection in my mind based on personal knowledge that I'm not conveying to the reader, that's just poor writing.

[CalebPerry]

I have one more version to show you. I don't think I can do any better than this and keep my original vision for the poem.

I just had a busy day, and I'll be back later today to critique some of the poems that have been posted.

[jisbell00]

I like what you've done with it.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, John. This version actually reads much more smoothly than the other versions, and is now an unrhymed sonnet. I hope other people will make the mental connections that I was making when I wrote it.

The evolution of this poem shows how much I need a good forum on which to have my writing critiqued. The feedback I got definitely improved the poem.

I am functioning on three hours of sleep. After a nap, I'll look at your recent posts.