Blind 1.1

[jisbell00]

Great-hearted Odysseus came to South Texas
at the end of a long journey, past Super-8s and Econo Lodges.
Many things had happened. He would not tell them all.

On his desk sat a computer and an empty coffee cup.
It was 5:15 a.m. The salt-washed strand
was lit by the Moon and stars and by the odd streetlight:

it was not yet dawn. Inland, across the continent,
the nation was asleep. In the factory farms,
the livestock slept. From Maine to California,

over the freeway-divided miles, the nation
slept in dream’s freedom. And the eighteen-wheelers
rolled on into the night as bold Odysseus

pondered his course of action. He heard the rumble
in the night’s quiet: travelers. And his heart was moved
to think of those great diesels going from A to B

through wind and rain in the early hours when he
had come to rest and made a home here. The coffee cup
was blazoned with his likeness in cartoon form,

from the day of his wedding. Today, his wife lay sleeping
a scant five meters away in the darkened bedroom,
her black and grey hair on the pillow. Not a thing

disturbed her slumber. Odysseus set the pen
he held onto the legal pad his father
had favored for his mathematics and allowed

his mind to drift. Now, unwearying Athena appeared
and spoke to him, she of the bright eyes, she of the owls.
She spoke of choice and consequence, of obstacles

met on the sea of days and overcome –
perhaps. Of the slow processes of time.
Of all that lies beyond our reach when fingers

are mortal, not divine. And the goddess Athena
buoyed up his spirits with her words. He toyed
with the wedding ring on his tan finger, thinking

of Margarita sleeping, of the day
they had tied that knot. His wife, from distant Asia,
had worn white. His brother had led the wedding service

at the Tibetan Cultural Center, beneath open sky.
The Buddhist prayer flags fluttered and behind them
stood the stupa or chorten. There were words from many

faiths and then an atheist, while a chuppah
held by the youngest sheltered them. A good day,
blessed by the monks and by the gathering.

Odysseus paused in thought and now adjusted
his plum-blossom kimono. He’d shaved and showered
as the day demanded, but was not yet dressed

for the day’s business. There were many things
that pressed in on his mind demanding notice:
memories, first of all. Of the green toy soldier

he’d picked up from the floor in ’67
or thereabouts, when he was just four years old,
and all that followed that brief moment. Grey-eyed Athena

had departed, but he felt her holy presence
lingering in the lamp-lit flat. He thought
of what this day held and the next: the call

of labor, of responsibilities. Of his
son Aibek, studying in England’s green
pastures, a new engineer. He thought of all

the days that lay at Aibek’s feet and how
they might see Scotland, come June and Aibek’s graduation,
and the castle of his ancestors. He knew

how futile are plans and memories, but this morning
as birds began to sing, he found himself
lost in reverie. This is a dangerous trait

for those with things to do. Much-traveled Odysseus
shook himself a little and prepared for work.
Work. What does that mean? When Dorothy comes to Oz,

she has no eggs to fetch, nor cows for milking,
and yet, she works on her Technicolor journey
down the Yellow Brick Road with her companions,

that motley crew. There will be obstacles
to overcome – problems, solutions. And Odysseus
knew this as well as anyone. He had spent seasons

at the hard work of being lazy. On day’s grey hill,
the stone rolls up as the sun climbs toward the zenith,
then rolls back down. The stone achieves nothing. This

is unemployment, and Odysseus knew that:
there is always work to be done of one sort or another,
and great-hearted Odysseus worked very hard. He was

teaching German these days, and that brittle language
responded to his call. A pair of students
had just eaten with him at a German restaurant

in this flat land the river cuts in two.
The three had traded stories, about Afghanistan
and San Diego, about two guys in a bar

with their two dogs, about a three-legged chicken,
about prostate cancer diagnosed and survived. The matter
of an evening’s conversation. Great-hearted Odysseus

remembered the evening and noted that the stuff
of existence is really nothing else. It’s not
as though we reach some destination. And his wife

Margarita was up. The story rambled on
in its unrhymed tercets. He was not prepared
as yet to impose order on it. The day had begun.

***



Edited out: Quick-minded Odysseus / adjusted

and the castle of the Galbraiths. Odysseus knew

down the Yellow Brick Road, with Cowardly Lion and Scarecrow, / Tin Woodman and Toto. There are obstacles

Unemployment – / when one is not employed. In the day’s vast / wash of minutes and hours, there is no process, / no outcome to be reached.

Odysseus

[jisbell00]

Hi folks,

I'm giving Experienced a whirl!

This is the opening of Blind, a short epic poem I wrote in 2016. I'm curious what people think.

Cheers,
John

[ray miller]

It's too long. Get back to Beginners.

[ray miller]

Seriously, great-hearted, quick-witted, much-travelled Odysseus gets up early one morning and after I don't know how many stanzas has the story progressed very much? I guess I feel that what's been related could have been said much more succintly.

[jisbell00]

Hi Ray,

Get back to Beginners is a perfectly reasonable point of view to express. I guess I would say in answer that if you've followed the Are you Experienced thread, you'll have seen how some are concerned that flooding Beginners with daily verse may discourage newcomers from posting, which seems undesirable. Now to me, that too is a perfectly reasonable concern, and it is why I am posting here today, as I've noted elsewhere. If you have an answer for it, by all means feel free to post it here or in the Are you Experienced thread.

I'm unsure how familiar you are with epic poetry as a genre, and have taken the liberty of linking to the openings of the Iliad, the Aeneid, and Paradise Lost, to address your concerns about loquacity with some context.

https://www.poetryintranslation.com/PIT ... Iliad1.php
http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/tex ... 0690,003:1
https://milton.host.dartmouth.edu/readi ... text.shtml

Cheers,
John

[ray miller]

John, I thought it would be obvious that the get back to beginners remark was a joke. No offence was meant. I've said several times that I don't believe there should be two sections of poetry, especially given the numbers, or lack of them, these days.
I figured I'd done well just to read the whole of your poem. I think it's time I took a break.

[jisbell00]

OK, have a good break, Ray.
Glad to hear you were joking.

Cheers,
John

[Lia]

Hi John,

Before coming to your epic, I just wanted to say that I straight away read Ray's comment as a joke, but I see why you took it differently if you took the comments about the forum changes personally. It seems that the conversation about Beginners has been going on for a long time, and long before you arrived so please don't think it's about anything other than the number of active members and whether it makes sense to have two public forums at this time. Also, the meaning behind Beginners and Experienced: whether this is a useful divide, what the point of Beginners is, how should the forum be used (if it stays) to benefit the members. The current poll, and future ones, will help us decide on all of these things, I think.

Back to your poem. I'm glad to see you on the main board and with the start of what might be a mini epic. I enjoy long poems very much. I'm not as well read as you, but this first part reminds me of Joyce fixing Ulysses to the modern day. You mention a lot of places and people so it's a little hard to follow all that is going on at this point when they haven't been expanded on, but perhaps later parts delve deeper into those stories of people and place. One of the things I notice is that you say Odysseus regularly. I think the work would benefit from trimming the usage of the name.

I enjoy several areas of the work. The language is lovely in the first six stanzas. I also like the idea of the stone and how you use it to convey unemployment (I think of its shadow moving as the sun does... is that your intent?). I'll just put that part of the poem here because I think it's an area that needs tightening:

“Much-traveled Odysseus
shook himself a little and prepared for work.
Work. What does that mean? When Dorothy comes to Oz,

she has no eggs to fetch, nor cows for milking,
and yet, she works on her Technicolor journey
down the Yellow Brick Road, with Cowardly Lion and Scarecrow,

Tin Woodman and Toto. There are obstacles
to overcome – problems, solutions. And Odysseus
knew this as well as anyone. He had spent seasons

at the hard work of being lazy. Unemployment –
when one is not employed. In the day’s vast
wash of minutes and hours, there is no process,

no outcome to be reached. On day’s grey hill,
the stone rolls up as the sun climbs toward the zenith,
then rolls back down. The stone achieves nothing. This

is unemployment, and Odysseus knew that:
there is always work to be done of one sort or another,
and great-hearted Odysseus worked very hard.”

You have a few qualifiers that seem redundant in this section. Explaining the well-known characters after you mention Dorothy, seems like one to me. The other is,

'Unemployment –
when one is not employed.'

You could jump from 'lazy' to 'On day's hill' without harming the work, I think, taking time to cast the shadow of the stone and building on detail elsewhere. I enjoy this, for instance,

“He was

teaching German these days, and that brittle language
responded to his call. A pair of students
had just eaten with him at a German restaurant

in this flat land the river cuts in two.
The three had traded stories, about Afghanistan
and San Diego, about two guys in a bar

with their two dogs, about a three-legged chicken,
about prostate cancer diagnosed and survived.”

… and almost want the work to slow down to describe the restaurant scene so the mood is felt.

I hope you forgive the longer critique. I wouldn't normally, but it's a longer work and I'm interested in your inspiration and what you're doing. I wonder if it's semi-autobiographical? Along with the epics of old, time and usefulness play a central theme. I'm keen to see the next part when you're ready.

Much enjoyed,

Lia

[jisbell00]

Hi Lia,

And thank you very much indeed for the time and thought you’ve put into your reading! I’ve had this short epic clattering around since 2016 and my tinkering with it has been mostly superficial, I’ve not addressed the nuts and bolts other than to try to make my erratic lines more musical. I’ve decided to post my reply to you first and then get to work on attacking my poem with your comments in mind, a process which might take more time.
I appreciate now that Ray was joking with his comment. It just startled me after over a year of avoiding the Experienced thread to be told so abruptly to go back home, so to speak. As you say, these are old conversations and perhaps something will come of them with the poll in place. Nobody had yet voted last time I checked but I should really take another look!
Yes, this is a mini epic – it’s 75 pages in Word, so short for any epic, but clearly not a lyric poem. I’m very glad to hear you’ve enjoyed the opening section! I did have Joyce in mind, and also Derek Walcott’s Omeros, an Iliad set in St Lucia. I think some of the welter of names and information will become clearer over time, but I’ll give that a think, and also look at reducing the name Odysseus in the text.
Oh – my stone is that of Sisyphus, but I like your shadow point. Day does kind of imply that, though Sisyphus would of course have had unchanging skies! I expect to make various cuts, which may also address Ray’s feeling that the whole thing could be shorter.
Lastly, yes, this is semi-autobiographical: it just sprang from my brain as a means of telling my story and making it more interesting than it otherwise would be. It’s a wandering story. Time and usefulness, as you say.
I’d moved back to Beginners but will post the next instalment of Blind in Experienced, since you ask so kindly! After all, that takes only a day to post.

Cheers,
John

Update: I've removed 3 Odysseus mentions and tightened the two sections you note as you suggested. I do think the work gains thereby - thank you!

[Lia]

Hi John,

I'm glad something I said was useful. The revision is stronger.

I like the following language:

"In the day’s vast / wash of minutes and hours"

... so I wonder whether you could use it, in some way, somewhere else?

Ah, now I understand the stone. I was caught up in a different tale about the shadow of a stone (or was it a mountain?) that moved - making it seem like the stone had actually moved, but never really had.


"to be told so abruptly to go back home, so to speak"

I understand. It is a style of humour called banter. Very British and cheeky, I think. I've grown up with it, but some might be taken off guard at first. It's best experienced in person because it can be heard in the inflection of the voice and seen in the body language. I use it sometimes in conversations online, but things don't always turn out the way they're intended! I can mistake it too, sometimes, but only online, and I will get in a huff until the penny drops. It's a complex style of humour, but smashing nonetheless.

Looking at the poll, I think Beginners will get a name change. This might mean that Experienced will get a name change, too, at some point. Kris can avoid the risky work of merging the two forums, at least. But he's swiftly becoming The Pollmaster! There will likely be polls for the name changes and the usage.

I'm looking forward to the next part of Blind. It's a lovely way of telling a life story.

Lia

[jisbell00]

Hi Lia,

It’s good to hear the opening is stronger! Your remarks were very useful - thank you.
Yup, that’s the stone I had in mind.
I see what you mean about banter. It’s tricky, since this is a transatlantic forum, and we assume that our shared language means our baggage is identical. I grew up in the UK, but have been out since 1993, and teaching US students, a first point they’ll tell you is don’t banter and don’t use sarcasm. So I’ve spent thirty years being consciously earnest. It is kind of you to pour your elegant oil on those waters, and I appreciate the time you’ve taken over it. Yes, Ray’s comment did seem abrupt to me, but that’s the risk online and you make an excellent point.
It does look as though there will be a name-change. I shall leave that in the Pollmaster’s capable hands! We await with bated breath what is to come.
I’ve posted Blind 1.2 (in Epxerienced) and put a little response in to your remark about one plus one.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

John, I just want to let you know that I've been absent a few days because of various personal issues. I'll be back to look at this poem in a day or two.

I think you have always belonged on the Experienced board.

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

I hope your personal issues are either happy or resolved!

Thank you also for the good word.

Part two of this poem is floating around on the board as well ...

Cheers,
John