Bottle-digging.

[ton321]

Version 1


We smashed through the faces
of dolls heads with aplomb,
digging and digging
until we were done;

our mothers and fathers
swam up through the soil;
The cream stone of Virol.
The Hamilton Bottle.

The poison-blue glass.
The knuckles of green.
The insects in amber.

The slow smithereens.

original

Appolinaris. Virol. Hamilton bottle.
The thick green glass with bubbles stuck
in the sides, like insects in amber.


We became blind and trusted touch
as we fingered through topsoil,
the different layers of sense.
The tough turf on top

the scratty soil scattered beneath
then a layer like dark, dry pastry.

It was no delicate archaeological affair.
we smashed through the faces
of dolls heads with aplomb,

our buckets full of shards, water, the reflected light of day.

[jisbell00]

Hi Ton,

Lovely.

If you'd like to edit, you could put a comma after top and an apostrophe after dolls.

Cheers,
John

[ray miller]

I wonder about starting with It was no delicate archaeological affair. Though then I'm not sure where the Appolinaris section ought to go - if anywhere. Anyway, enjoyed the read.

[ton321]

Thanks John, Ray for the comments/suggestions

Tony

[ton321]

I'm not much of an editor, more a revisionist

T

[ray miller]

I like the edit/revision, sorry you've scrapped this line - It was no delicate archaeological affair. Love the slow smithereens.

[jisbell00]

Fine stuff. Well done.

Cheers,
John

[camus]

A fine revision.

Some really evocative language.

I'd question:

The insects in amber.

Surely way deeper, on many levels?

Good stuff indeed.

[ton321]

Thanks Ray, John, Kris, for the comments.
Kris, you're right.
Think I'll sit on it for a while,

Tony

[Lia]

Beautiful, T. I hope you'll forgive me, but I'm going to be one of those annoying readers who has to say the opposite. I love the original - the tone and the way it builds from the first line. Archaeology fascinates me, but I know very little so I've been on a deep dive (or dig) into 'Appolinaris. Virol. Hamilton bottle' and have learnt a few things. This is terrific language:

“The tough turf on top

the scratty soil scattered beneath
then a layer like dark, dry pastry.”

The move into the smashed dolls' heads is unexpected (you'd want the apostrophe after the S, by the way. ie: dolls'). Nothing quite like that visual to set the poem alight. Then there's the closing line with the 'reflected light of day' - a beautiful contrast, and a beautiful poem.

Lia

[ton321]

Lia

Thanks for the kind words and the constructive crit. Maybe the piece has forked and I've got two now

I've been writing this poem for years, trying to make sense of it.


Tony

[Lia]

Ah yes, now you have two!

"I've been writing this poem for years, trying to make sense of it."

Some get me like that, too. Yours was well worth the perseverance.

Lia