A Poem for Your Tooth (Revision 5)

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Morpheus
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Sat Sep 09, 2023 7:28 pm

A SPECIAL COLLECTION & DROP (Rev 5)

Sweet Lucy,

I’m Snowdrop, a winter bloom too;
we both started life when the frosty winds blew.
And now I’ve just heard from our red robin friend,
The tooth Lucy wiggled fell out this weekend.
Fear not, a new tooth will sprout up in its place
and I’ve left a gold coin: check inside pillow case.

I shall cherish your tooth as a precious new pearl;
on a silver bell catwalk I’ll give it a twirl.
It’ll go on display for the fair folk to see
at the Musée des Fées in our stately birch tree.
So thank you, dear Lucy, for keeping it clean;
your snowy white crown’s a great fit for our queen.

I sign with a promise: I never will miss
a tooth. That’s my oath; here’s my spellbinding kiss.

Love, Snowdrop xx


A SPECIAL COLLECTION & DROP


Hi Lucy,

It's Snowdrop, a girl with a winter bloom too;
we both started life when the frosty winds blew.
And now I’ve just heard from our red robin friend:
The tooth Lucy wobbled fell out this weekend.
Fear not, a new tooth will sprout up in its place
and I’ve left a gold coin: check inside pillow case.


I shall cherish your tooth as a precious new pearl;
on a silver bell catwalk I’ll give it a twirl.
It’ll go on display for the fair folk to see
at musée de la reine in our stately birch tree.
So thank you, dear Lucy, for keeping it clean;
your snowy white crown’s a great fit for our queen.

I sign with a spellbinding oath and promise:
Your next tooth collection is not one I’ll miss.



Love Snowdrop xx





***********************************************************


A Special Delivery (Revision 4)

Dear Lucy,

My blossom is winter born too;
we both started life when the frosty winds blew.
A scrolled message came from our red robin friend:
The tooth Lucy wobbled fell out this weekend.
Fear not, a new tooth will sprout up in its place
and I’ve left something gold under your pillow case.

I shall cherish your tooth as a precious new pearl,
on a silver bell catwalk I’ll give it a twirl.
It’ll go on display for the fair folk to see
at The Musée Royale in our stately birch tree.
So thank you, dear Lucy, for keeping it clean;
your snowy white crown’s a great fit for our queen.

I sign off with a spellbinding oath and it’s this:
I’ll be back for your next tooth,

Love Snowdrop xx

**********************************************************************

A Poem for a Tooth (Revision 3)

Hi Lucy, I’m Snowdrop – a winter’s bloom who
was born in the woods when the icy winds blew.
An urgent note came from our red robin friend:
The tooth Lucy wobbled fell out this weekend.
Never fear, winter’s child, a new tooth will grow
and I've gifted a gold coin beneath your pillow.

I shall cherish your tooth as a precious new pearl,
on a silver bell catwalk I’ll give it a twirl.
It’ll go on display for the fair folk to see
at the musée des dents in our finest birch tree.
So thank you, dear Lucy, for keeping it clean;
your snowy white crown’s a great fit for our queen.

*************************************************************************

A Poem for a Tooth (Revision 2)

Hi Lucy, I’m Snow Drop – a winter’s bloom who
was born, just like you, when the icy winds blew.
I saw your first tooth wobbling like a petal,
it fell with a shock like the sting of a nettle.
I wing down to your aid like a moon guided dove
to deliver a coin and a note signed with love.

I shall cherish your tooth as a precious new pearl,
on a silver bell catwalk I’ll give it a twirl.
It’ll go on display for the fair folk to see
at the musée des dents in our finest birch tree.
So thank you, dear Lucy, for keeping it clean;
your snowy white crown’s a great fit for our queen.

*************************************************************************

A Poem for Your Tooth (Revision 1)

Hi Lucy, I’m Snow Drop, and I, just like you
was born in the winter when frosty winds blew.
I’ve watched your teeth blossom like snow petal flowers
and tonight, as you slumber through the twilight hours,
I descend on my white feathered wings like a dove
with a keepsake, a poem, I hope you will love.

I shall cherish your tooth like a precious new pearl.
I shall show it off well, I shall give it a twirl
at the milk tooth museum in our sycamore tree.
It’ll be on display for the pixies to see.
So thank you, dear Lucy, for being so keen
when brushing and flossing your teeth sparkling clean.


****************************************************************************
A Poem for a Tooth (Original)

Dear Lucy Mae, congratulations, today is the day
you lost your first tooth, hip hip hooray!
And tonight as you slumber, so peaceful and deep,
I descend with a treasure you’re welcome to keep:
a coin that I’ve carried in glittering flight
like the swish of a star as it falls in the night.

Hello, my name’s Snowdrop; when frosty winds blew,
I was born in the January cold just like you.
I’ve watched how you’ve blossomed in each brave new year
to the point that you wobbled your tooth without fear;
knowing that growing can sometimes cause pain
but that happy times come just as sun follows rain.

I shall cherish your tooth like a precious new pearl
I shall show it off well, I shall give it a whirl
at the milk tooth museum in the old birchwood tree
it’ll be on display for all fairies to see.
So thank you, dear Lucy, for being so keen
when brushing and flossing your teeth sparkling clean.
Last edited by Morpheus on Fri Sep 15, 2023 2:05 pm, edited 19 times in total.
jisbell00
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Sat Sep 09, 2023 9:59 pm

Hi Morph,

Splendid title and fine poem. I can't scan L1 though!

Cheers,
John
ray miller
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Sun Sep 10, 2023 10:08 am

I wonder if the last verse couldn't stand on its own. Not quite so sugary as the rest.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Morpheus
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Sun Sep 10, 2023 12:25 pm

Thank you both

John, I've got a deadline of the 15th on a fairy theme. I've also got my Ode to Bottom that I've tried to make good. I might post it beginners as a hybrid AI effort. I'll see if I can do something with the first line this evening. I wanted it to start like a letter. Have you got any suggestions?

Ray, it's sugary for you but the letter recipient seems impressed with the whole thing. I know what you mean though, most of the point of the poem is in the final stanza.
NotQuiteSure
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Sun Sep 10, 2023 2:38 pm

Hi Morph,
I'm with ray on the sugar content. Far too high.
You could cut either S2 or S1 (having all three verses really doesn't work that well.)

What is 'birchwood tree' supposed to mean? There are birch woods and birch trees, but birchwood trees?

Shouldn't the title be A Poem for Lucy's Tooth?

Dear Lucy Mae, congratulations, today is the day
you lost your first tooth, hip hip hooray!
..................... this feels more like something achieved rather than a milestone reached. Are kids happy to lose a tooth, or possibly dismayed (by the resulting gap?)

Alternative first line .......

Congratulations Lucy May. Today is a red letter day.

or
Congratulations, Lucy May, on this, your Milk Tooth Letter Day.


Regards, Not

PS.

Hi Lucy. I'm Snowdrop, and I, just like you,
was born in January when frosty winds blew.


.
Morpheus
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Sun Sep 10, 2023 4:42 pm

Thanks Not for another timely intervention. I've posted a revision.

I need to make this appealing to Ray too. He's approaching his final scene of second childishness and mere oblivion where he might confront the tooth fairy again sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

I appreciate your help with the first line. I've cut down to two stanzas and that seems a reasonable compromise. I've written some new lines too so you don't think it's a lazy revision.

Cheers all.
NotQuiteSure
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Sun Sep 10, 2023 5:15 pm

Hi morph.

L3-4 (S1) seem unnecessarily creepy (and, in case you're wondering it's the 'I've watched' that does it. Far too avaricious.)

L2 (S2) is very weak, and clearly just there for the rhyme. What does 'give it a whirl' mean in this context? And why would Lucy have this expectation anyway?


Hi Lucy, I’m Snowdrop and I, just like you
was born in the winter when frosty winds blew.
The Magpies they tell me your grown up this year ........... still creepy though.
to the point that you wobbled your tooth without fear;
And tonight as you slumber, so peaceful and deep,
I'll bring you a treasure you’re welcome to keep:

tucked under your pillow, a bright silver coin ............ Pearl is really unfortunate!
I shall show it off well, I shall give it a whirl
at the milk tooth museum in our sycamore tree
it’ll be on display for all fairies to see.
So thank you, dear Lucy, for being so keen
when brushing and flossing your teeth sparkling clean.

Morpheus wrote:
Sun Sep 10, 2023 4:42 pm
compromise
?

Regards, Not

.
Morpheus
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Sun Sep 10, 2023 5:28 pm

Cheers Not, I'll have another look later.

This observation made me laugh quite a bit 🤣
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Sun Sep 10, 2023 5:15 pm
Hi morph.

L3-4 (S1) seem unnecessarily creepy (and, in case you're wondering it's the 'I've watched' that does it. Far too avaricious.)
Our house is basically set up like a Victorian panopticon with the lidless eye of Santa in the centre. It's a common trope to keep the children under control.
jisbell00
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Sun Sep 10, 2023 7:06 pm

Hi Morph,

I like the revision - more than the Bottom poem, be it said in passing. Busy day today. Snow Drop might get initial caps, and for whirl, how do you like twirl?

Other than that, I think this one can go off. The tooth fairy is clearly for kids, which explains the schmaltz. It's not a problem for me, nor do I find L3 creepy. She is the tooth fairy after all.

PS I like A Poem for a/Your Tooth as title, one or the other.

Cheers,
John
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Lia
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Sun Sep 10, 2023 11:40 pm

This is lovely, Morpheus.

I liked the silver coin idea which is the traditional way of things, but your revision is stronger over all. I wonder if you need to say 'fairies'? It broke the spell a little. Somehow. For me, the fairies are clearly implied already so as an alternative you could say 'all of us'. Well, see what you think. You'll need a fullstop after 'pearl' and 'tree' in S2.

I love the idea of the tooth fairy leaving a poem, and this one seems like just the right kind of poem that she'd write.

Lia
Morpheus
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Mon Sep 11, 2023 10:13 am

Thanks John and Lia,

I've corrected the punctuation as advised.

Lia how about "It’ll be on display for the pixies to see." as an alternative?
NotQuiteSure
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Mon Sep 11, 2023 12:54 pm

Morpheus wrote:
Sun Sep 10, 2023 5:28 pm
Our house is basically set up like a Victorian panopticon with the lidless eye of Santa in the centre. It's a common trope to keep the children under control.
Sure, and if you were writing about you this would be relevant, but the piece is presented as written by Snow Drop (who could just as easily be male as female), so what is your point?

I’ve watched your teeth blossom like snow petal flowers
and tonight, as you slumber through the twilight hours,

These lines don't really do enough. I think you were nearer the mark with the wobbly (first) tooth in the original. (Can't see how 'teeth blossom' means they fall out, or why you reference 'twilight'.)
I descend on my white feathered wings like a dove
Why not just 'I'll fly'?

I shall cherish your tooth like a precious new pearl.
I shall show it off well, I shall give it a whirl

Still can't see what 'whirl' is achieving (or what the significance of 'pearl' might be to the recipient of the poem.)

For a poem that supposed to be about/for a child losing their first tooth the emphasis on SD/N seems misplaced. It's all I, I, I.

Regards, Not

.
Morpheus
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Mon Sep 11, 2023 2:21 pm

Thanks Not,

I meant to switch whirl to twirl as per John's suggestion. It's the perils of updating poems by phone on the fly whilst on a work conference call.

Snow Drop is a bit like Barbie before the movie makeover. She's not really got any sexual health, creepiness or gender politics considerations yet. The publication is American though so your points do concern me slightly and I'm thinking if they read it as you do then perhaps it's mutually not the right venue.

Ultimately I'd be very happy to place these children's poems with W-B on Twitter or The Dirigible Balloon and my readers first and foremost are Lucy and Isla.

I should really be looking to expand and include an Isla poem (Bluebell is her tooth fairy). We have letters but they're written by in miniature fairy hand writing in prose currently on coloured scented paper.

I can see other parents and children being interested in the concept though and it does include a shiny new coin too. There's opportunity if you fancy writing a few Not fairy poems for a collection? Perhaps we could have a fairy and flower for every month?

First things first though and I shall look at your comments with serious consideration later when my day job and errands are done.

Thanks again.
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Leaf
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Mon Sep 11, 2023 8:08 pm

Hello again, Morph. We see you're about to set about your revisions, so we'll let you get on with that for now. Thank-coos for mentioning Twitter. Dear Alek reposted your daughters' delightful hand poems earlier; he was very taken with them (^v^)
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Lia
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Mon Sep 11, 2023 9:36 pm

I like the 'pixies' idea, Morpheus. The sound of the word fits well with the stanza, too.

Lia
Morpheus
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Mon Sep 11, 2023 10:58 pm

Thanks everyone. I've posted an alternative version.

Not, does it address your concerns?

Lia, I've experimented with fair folk on the latest version but could switch back? What do you think?

Fliss, thanks for dropping in, I've not been on Twitter today due to a ridiculously busy evening and didn't drop onto the poetry until too late . I shall take a look now :)
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Lia
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Mon Sep 11, 2023 11:31 pm

A terrific revision, Morpheus. I like 'fair folk' very much. It fits well with the changes to the stanza.

Lia
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Tue Sep 12, 2023 1:39 am

Hi Morph,

I like everything in your latest except the three similes in three lines: to me, that's like eating pure sugar, i.e. somewhat unpleasant. I believe you have ways to avoid that, and I recommend them! My 2c.

Cheers,
John
Morpheus
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Tue Sep 12, 2023 1:05 pm

Merci beaucoup Lia and John,

I've rewritten the last 4 lines of stanza 1 to remove the excess simile sweetness John. I hope the new version is not in danger of giving you tooth decay? :)
jisbell00
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Tue Sep 12, 2023 1:32 pm

Woo-hoo! That works for me. Although tooth decay might have got me a tooth fairy visit!

Cheers,
John
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Lia
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Tue Sep 12, 2023 4:56 pm

This revision is even better than the last. You've been working hard, Morpheus! I much prefer that the wobbly tooth now relates to this particular tooth rather than a previous one. Bringing in a bird is a nice touch.

Lia
Morpheus
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Tue Sep 12, 2023 5:34 pm

Thanks Lia and John, I really wouldn't get very far with these sort of early draft poems that come to fruition decently without the encouragement or you and others on PAT.
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Tue Sep 12, 2023 5:45 pm

I can see that this would work very well in real life, and that's a good thing. You've desweetened it pretty effectively from that first high-saccharine effort, just leaving a couple of unsatisfactory bits and bobs for me.

The stress seems to fall in the wrong place in L1, leaving "who" looking (and sounding) exposed and awkward, and that "will grow" and "pillow" rhyme is a bit of a tooth-grinder for me too.

The idea, at the end, of the Queen of Tooth Fairyland wearing the tooth as a crown made me boggle a bit, but it's a nice play of words on crown.

Not quite my thing, but then my tooth fairy days are long gone.

Cheers

David
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Leaf
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Tue Sep 12, 2023 7:49 pm

Morpheus wrote:
Mon Sep 11, 2023 10:58 pm
Fliss, thanks for dropping in, I've not been on Twitter today due to a ridiculously busy evening and didn't drop onto the poetry until too late . I shall take a look now :)
You're welcome, Morph. No worries at all re. Twitter. Alek works long hours and just pops in for a few minutes when he can, so he won't mind at all if there's a little delay (^v^)

Very tired again this evening, but we've read through the comments (so as not to repeat anything) and would add that it might be worth simplifying the approach at the beginning of S1, though that depends on whether you change the title. In short, it might be more appealing if Snowdrop were to introduce herself as a tooth fairy, in the way of a proper letter, and to sign off neatly at the end.

We also think there's scope to change the robin's method of communication, to have another listen to the rhythm, to consider how the French expression might be received. I just remember how disengaged my young focus group for Yellow Zebra became on not recognising certain words, but audiences vary of course, My godson seems to enjoy looking up words he hasn't seen before (^v^) (yes, he is friends with W.-B.)
Morpheus
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Tue Sep 12, 2023 10:18 pm

Thanks for pointing out the metrical irregularities David, I've tried to fix the issues you spotted. It's funny that I get credited sometimes for clever metrical demotions and substitutions and I should admit I don't actually know what that means?

Fliss, I'm tired too and well behind on my critting. I'll catch up later in the week hopefully. This poem and it's deadline has turned out to be a time sap. I've had a go at making it look more like a letter, rejigged the opening two lines and I've gone for an easy to translate museum title. The previous milk tooth museum didn't can too well. The neat sign off requested works best if xx is read as kiss-kiss but I'm not sure if I can rely on that?
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