The Deep Blue Sky (Revision 4)

[Morpheus]

The Deep Blue Sky (Revision 4)

O Little Penguins, please don’t cry,
and never envy birds that fly.

The silver gull can swoop and glide
but strong winds knock him side to side

while you can tease, in Tasman seas,
the waves of the Antipodes.

You swim with friends, comparing tricks,
adorning dives with twists and flicks.

While eagles soar in empty air
your seas are full of scrumptious fare,

the tasty South Australian dishes:
anchovies, pilchards, jellyfishes!

You too fly high, from deep to top,
like bubbles in a glass of pop.



*************************


The Deep Blue Sky

Oh Little Penguin! Never cry,
and don’t you envy birds that fly.

The silver gull can swoop and glide
but strong winds knock him side to side.

But you! In Tasman seas you'll tease
the waves of the Antipodes.

You’ll swim with friends, performing tricks
like twists and underwater flips!

The Sea Eagles must soar on empty
while you dive deep and dine aplenty

on tasty Southern Aussie dishes:
anchovies, pilchards, jellyfishes!

With bright blue plumage, up you'll pop:
to see from the sea floor to mountain top!

************

The Deep Blue Sky (Revised)

Oh Little Penguin! Never cry
and don’t you envy birds that fly.

The silver gull can swoop and glide
as strong winds knock him side to side.

Instead in Tasman seas you'll tease
the waves of the Antipodes.

You’ll swim, with friends, performing tricks
like twists and underwater flips!

The Sea Eagles can soar on empty
while you dive deep and dine aplenty

on tasty Southern Aussie dishes:
anchovies, pilchards, krill, garfishes!

Like bubbles rising without pop
you’ll see sea floor to mountain top!


*******************************************************

The Deep Blue Sky (Revised)

Oh Little Penguin! Don't you cry
because you'll never learn to fly.

Up north the kites and hawks do soar
the blackbirds sing; the crows caw-caw.

Instead in Tasman sea you'll tease
the waves of the Antipodes.

No Sea Eagle can flap on empty
but your full tum will dive aplenty

to dine on fine exotic dishes:
anchovies, pilchards; little fishes.

With bright blue feathers, up you'll pop
to see from sea to mountain top.

[Macavity]

Cute Morph, though I wouldn't say pilchards are exotic. Would the birdie refs be more interesting/exotic if located south?

Bw

Phil

[Morpheus]

Thanks Mac, good point, I need to research little fishes in the Tasman Sea. I just rushed this one off quickly using the brief of 'flight' theme in children's poetry with TDB anniversary edition in mind.

I thought Fliss might like it too because I've sent her some accompanying photos.

Also, regarding Birdie references, I wanted to contrast north with south before introducing the word antipodes, which is likely to be new to children. Antipode also means the opposite to something.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Morph.
Not sure you've got this one worked out yet. It seems to depend entirely on readers knowing Penguins are southern hemisphere birds, which, if you're targeting DB, might not be the case.

I don't think you're offering that much of a contrast between the Penguins and the northern hemisphere birds. For instance, what is 'caw-caw' if not just there for the rhyme? And, the presupposition in the first line, that they are sad, seems without foundation.
Where you really lose me is though do soar too archaic for this, methinks! And then again with them dining on a full tum. Where's the logic there?

How about a different opening?


It isn't true that Penguins cry
because they've never learned to fly

and why would they when Tasman seas
are full of tasty anchovies

the Southern ocean's pilchard rich
...

Regards, Not

.

[Morpheus]

Thanks Not, I think in the whimsical world of bird personification it is plausible to be sad if you're flightless.

The bird song or sound might need a rethink. It is a rough first draft written in between jobs this morning so I agree it needs work and thanks for some useful suggestions.

Also for the last line I had

to see from sea to Mount. Cook top.

But changed to iambic. Do you think the original is better?

Also, can I say Tasman Seas or isn't it Tasman Sea? I considered that question this morning and concluded that I shouldn't use seas so I avoided that end rhyme. But I could be wrong?

[Leaf]

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[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Morph.

I think in the whimsical world of bird personification it is plausible to be sad if you're flightless.
This sounds like an excuse. If you're a kid, and the first line is 'don't cry' I don't think 'whimsy' is going to come to mind.

(Incidentally, the 'lesson' here seems to be, settle for second best.)

The bird song or sound might need a rethink.
I couldn't tell what it had to do with either penguins or flight. Why would it care what noise another bird makes if it's too busy sobbing about being flightless?

Do you think the original is better?
As an idea, yes. You're clearly writing about a specific type of penguin, so why you don't name it?

Also, can I say Tasman Seas or isn't it Tasman Sea?
Not what I was referring to. I was talking about the seas around Tasmania (not a particular Sea.)
But I could be wrong?
My lips are sealed.

Personally I'd be making the argument that penguins are the best under-water fliers on the planet, not 'birds with a disability'.

Regards, Not

.

[Morpheus]

Fliss, thanks for popping in and I'm sorry to hear about the arthritis. I hope it eases up super quick and thanks again for your kind comments.

Not, the species of penguin is the Little Penguin as capitalised in line one. Or you could call them Eudyptula Minor. They have rather attractive blue plumage.

I take your point regarding disability. I'm sure this is not an original idea and there is a flightless bird comforting children's book out there already but I can't recall where I've seen it.

Nonetheless, it could be an old book and I've got to make sure I meet modern standards for diversity and acceptance.

A slight digression but you write children's poetry that involves mutilation, arson and murder?

I'm still trying to work out how you place such poems because I'm sure they go somewhere after Finishing Touches.

[NotQuiteSure]

the species of penguin is the Little Penguin as capitalised in line one

My bad. In my defence I hadn't heard the name before.

Or you could call them Eudyptula Minor. They have rather attractive blue plumage.
Wiki puts them in New Zealand, the ones in Australia are Eudyptula novaehollandiae (apparently) - a.k.a fairy penguin, which might offer a less ambiguous name than Little?

A slight digression but you write children's poetry that involves mutilation, arson and murder?
And your point?

I'm still trying to work out how you place such poems because I'm sure they go somewhere after Finishing Touches.
Lamentably not ... unless. Does 'on file' count?

Regards, Not

.

[Morpheus]

Not,

I understand the Little Penguin colony I saw is the largest one and it's located in the Australian state of Victoria or on Phillip Island to be precise:

https://www.penguins.org.au/attractions/penguin-parade/

[jisbell00]

Hi Morph,

I like it and don't see any needed changes at first blush. TDB sounds like a good venue, especially since their theme is flight!

Cheers,
John

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Morph.
I just think it's an ambiguity you can do without.

https://penguins.org.au/discover/wildli ... -penguins/

"Little penguins (sometimes called fairy penguins or Little Blue Penguins)"

Of course if you didn't capitalise the p in penguin, it would be clearer.

Regards, Not

.

[ray miller]

I think you emphasise more how good these little penguins have got it. For starters -
Up north the kites and hawks can soar
but fuck knows what they do it for.

Kids'll love that.

[Leaf]

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[Morpheus]

That's wonderful feedback Fliss. Thank you very very much and thanks everyone else.

I've posted a revision.

Ray, I already got banned from a nursery premises once and I don't wish to have that experience again. Bipolar and ex-copper nursery directors are a bad mix.

Not, I'm in two minds about changing 'Oh Little Penguin!' to 'Oh Fairy Penguin!' Another option is 'Little Blue Penguin!'. Any preferences? Does anyone else have a strong view on this? I think technically all of them are correct.

[Morpheus]

Oh, and in answer to your question Fliss. I can't draw or paint.

If there's anyone who can draw or paint and you'd like to create your own Little Penguins then please let me know and I'll enquire about joint submission.

[Morpheus]

Another option for the final couplet:

Like bubbles dancing without pops
you’ll sail up ocean mountain tops!

[Macavity]

Been reading about these delightful creatures. Some interesting stuff can be found here

https://a-z-animals.com/blog/incredible ... uin-facts/

[Morpheus]

Thanks Mac.

They're a rather attractive little bird aren't they? They kind of look like the closest thing to cartoon penguins.

I'm wondering if I need to get the blue plumage into the poem somewhere. Blue is already in the title of course but in a different context.

[Macavity]

The interesting facts on that site:

They flap their flippers five times a second!

They can make 2000 dives in a day!

The only penguin that has blue feathers (camouflage)

They sneeze out salt

They are greedy! They eat 25% of their bodyweight in one day

They are very talkative!

[Leaf]

-

[Morpheus]

Thanks Phil and Fliss

I've made the changes recommended.

Apparently Little Penguin's favourite food is anchovies but they also like jellyfish. I'm not sure that children would find the latter dish very appealing but it's potentially a funny swap for 'krill, garfishes'?

'Anchovies, pilchards, jellyfishes.'

The information board I photographed near the colony identified them as Eudyptula Minor. Maybe the board is wrong.

Apparently they also have the highest velocity poo in the animal kingdom but I'm not sure how the scientists worked that one out.

[Macavity]

I don't think you need to list lots of food items. A couple with some adjectives will be more communicative for kids.

[Morpheus]

Nice one Mac! Are you sure you don't fancy joining me with a painting?

I know what you mean about lists being a no-no in poetry generally but I think in children's poetry it's more acceptable.

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing wax—
Of cabbages—and kings—
And why the sea is boiling hot—
And whether pigs have wings.”

I've posted a revision. I don't think the bubbles image works and I've made some tweaks to odd words and punctuation.

[Morpheus]

Hmm, maybe dashes are better than commas for fish?

Phil, I've tried to expand the final line as you did in your recent poem. Have I got the right number of feet?