I’m sorry God, I cannot love
that slimy thug,
the common garden slug.
In black of night, those homeless snails
profane my path
with blasphlegmous type trails.
As Your creations, fragile flowers,
are wilting in their final hours –
who goes ahead and pulls the plug?
Slime’s reaper boy: the slug.
I must confess, after the pub,
I’ve veered off course to squish those slugs;
their entrails instantly erupt
like something Beelzebub’s chucked up.
I beg you God, please send a plague -
slug pellet rain
‘til no more slugs remain.
**************************************************************************************
Prayer For the Tender Greens (Original posted on PG some years ago)
I’m sorry God, I cannot love
that slimy thug,
the common garden slug.
Dressed all in black,
those homeless snails
profane my path
with blasphlegmous type trails.
When delicate and fragile flowers
grow closer to their final hours,
who goes ahead and pulls the plug?
Slime’s figurehead: the slug.
I must confess, after the pub,
I’ve veered off course to squish those slugs;
their entrails putridly erupt
like something Beelzebub’s chucked up.
I beg you God, please send a plague -
slug pellet rain
‘til no more slugs remain.
Prayer For The Tender Greens (Revised)
General 
on your tweaks.
Thank you both,
Mac, slugs are hermaphroditic and I recall last time Caleb pointed out that they look quite pretty when mating.
I'm just going off memory but someone called Jules suggested putrid was technically the wrong word and when I checked the dictionary he was right (it means decay, rotten) but maybe it doesn't matter and I should ignore the technicality to keep the yucky effect. Same with boy?
John, the original original line was
"I've accidentally squished those slugs"
Veered off course was a Ray Miller suggestion and he is a master of comic verse but would it be better in your view to maintain the innocence of the first effort?
Mac, slugs are hermaphroditic and I recall last time Caleb pointed out that they look quite pretty when mating.
I'm just going off memory but someone called Jules suggested putrid was technically the wrong word and when I checked the dictionary he was right (it means decay, rotten) but maybe it doesn't matter and I should ignore the technicality to keep the yucky effect. Same with boy?
John, the original original line was
"I've accidentally squished those slugs"
Veered off course was a Ray Miller suggestion and he is a master of comic verse but would it be better in your view to maintain the innocence of the first effort?
Last edited by Morpheus on Sun Apr 30, 2023 8:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
Veered off course is great, it's very vivid, but it's true, it is more controversial. I think there are two questions, really. Do you worry if you lose some readers' sympathy by saying you set out to squash the slugs? I'd say you can't please everyone all the time, but it's an interesting question. The second, linked question is: amid a prayer to preserve some life on Earth, is it jarring to have the narrator set out to kill off other forms? I think it's fine to ask God to do so, but the narrator doing so is a tad different. I don't really have an answer to either of these questions, but I think they are at the nub of my reaction to the line, FWIW.
I would in the end probably keep something along the lines of the veering off course. It is certainly more picturesque than accidentally is!
Cheers,
John
I would in the end probably keep something along the lines of the veering off course. It is certainly more picturesque than accidentally is!
Cheers,
John
Thanks John, those are interesting philosophical points. It's okay to have pesticidal ideations but the execution of them is something else.
As poets we can often get obsessed with the creative; all things bright and beautiful.
And it's a nice break to write something destructive and ugly. There's light and shade in all that.
As a matter of fact, I've always had a fondness for slugs. According to my mother I used to eat them as a toddler. Although I grew out of that habit quite quickly I'm still partial for les escargot at the local bistro. Sorry if that offends anyone.
As poets we can often get obsessed with the creative; all things bright and beautiful.
And it's a nice break to write something destructive and ugly. There's light and shade in all that.
As a matter of fact, I've always had a fondness for slugs. According to my mother I used to eat them as a toddler. Although I grew out of that habit quite quickly I'm still partial for les escargot at the local bistro. Sorry if that offends anyone.
Last edited by Morpheus on Sun Apr 30, 2023 2:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Light and shade - very much so! The topic itself speaks to that, and your execution does not disappoint. It's a poem the world needed to have added to our stock.
I've eaten snails myself, also frogs and ants. So I for one won't be offended by news of another snail eater.
Cheers,
John
I've eaten snails myself, also frogs and ants. So I for one won't be offended by news of another snail eater.
Cheers,
John
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MilesTRanter
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- Posts: 327
- Joined: Mon May 23, 2022 4:20 pm
Hi Morpheus,
This is technically very good and has some humor. I love the meter and rhymes. I can’t say I like the poem, though. I have one technical nit: In the last line, I think it would be better to use till instead of ’til. But if you want to go with ’til, then the apostrophe should be curled the opposite way as you’ve got it.
A little story about slugs:
One evening (several years ago), an acquaintance of mine escorted me down his walkway toward the garage. He turned on the lights so we could see and came upon a cluster of a dozen or so slugs all on top of one another apparently copulating. He straight away got a garden tool with a sharp blade (like a flat shovel). Then he went and chopped them all to bits, shoveled up their corpses, and tossed them aside. I was horrified. Here are some of my thoughts about it:
A) If he hadn’t seen them just then, those slugs would have simply done their thing and then gone on with their brief gastropod lives.
B) At least some (if not all) of them — instead of feeling pleasure — must have felt intense pain.
C) They were doing the most important thing all animals do in life, which was abruptly cut short.
D) Dead slugs make great food for other slugs. So their carcasses would attract many of their relatives.
E) If my acquaintance had taken the time to do a bit of research, he would have found several humane ways to keep slugs out of the garden without murdering them.
F) Slugs are interesting and beautiful creatures.
G) There are many types of animals that feed on slugs: beetles (ground beetles, rove beetles, fireflies), toads, snakes, turtles, shrews, ducks, starlings and other birds.
By the way, I wrote a long poem once which included a quatrain summarizing that incident. Here’s the stanza:
He switched on the floodlights and spied on the path
a cluster of slugs copulating. His wrath
enormous, he grabbed a sharp tool from the garden
and chopped them to bits without asking their pardon.
Miles
This is technically very good and has some humor. I love the meter and rhymes. I can’t say I like the poem, though. I have one technical nit: In the last line, I think it would be better to use till instead of ’til. But if you want to go with ’til, then the apostrophe should be curled the opposite way as you’ve got it.
A little story about slugs:
One evening (several years ago), an acquaintance of mine escorted me down his walkway toward the garage. He turned on the lights so we could see and came upon a cluster of a dozen or so slugs all on top of one another apparently copulating. He straight away got a garden tool with a sharp blade (like a flat shovel). Then he went and chopped them all to bits, shoveled up their corpses, and tossed them aside. I was horrified. Here are some of my thoughts about it:
A) If he hadn’t seen them just then, those slugs would have simply done their thing and then gone on with their brief gastropod lives.
B) At least some (if not all) of them — instead of feeling pleasure — must have felt intense pain.
C) They were doing the most important thing all animals do in life, which was abruptly cut short.
D) Dead slugs make great food for other slugs. So their carcasses would attract many of their relatives.
E) If my acquaintance had taken the time to do a bit of research, he would have found several humane ways to keep slugs out of the garden without murdering them.
F) Slugs are interesting and beautiful creatures.
G) There are many types of animals that feed on slugs: beetles (ground beetles, rove beetles, fireflies), toads, snakes, turtles, shrews, ducks, starlings and other birds.
By the way, I wrote a long poem once which included a quatrain summarizing that incident. Here’s the stanza:
He switched on the floodlights and spied on the path
a cluster of slugs copulating. His wrath
enormous, he grabbed a sharp tool from the garden
and chopped them to bits without asking their pardon.
Miles
Thanks Miles for a very thoughtful response. I don't disagree with any of your points and I can reassure you I genuinely don't have a death wish for slugs. I don't use any pesticides in my garden. We have a hedgehog and nesting birds too.
I appreciate you spotting the apostrophe mistake, that's a real help and thanks for taking the time to give an honest review. It's actually quite refreshing to have someone say they don't like a poem but there's nothing wrong with it. Often people don't like to be bold for fear of offending so just move on without saying or they try to take the whole thing to pieces when it's not really necessary.
I appreciate you spotting the apostrophe mistake, that's a real help and thanks for taking the time to give an honest review. It's actually quite refreshing to have someone say they don't like a poem but there's nothing wrong with it. Often people don't like to be bold for fear of offending so just move on without saying or they try to take the whole thing to pieces when it's not really necessary.
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MilesTRanter
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 327
- Joined: Mon May 23, 2022 4:20 pm
Hi Morpheus,
It's great that you have birds and a hedgehog! I cringe at the thought of pesticides. When I see those little yellow signs on people's lawns it upsets me. Lawn chemicals kill a lot of birds and other critters including, of course, insects, which birds depend upon. There's really no good reason for using that stuff, especially merely to make a lawn look beautifully monotonously green.
You're welcome about the apostrophe. I see it done the wrong way a lot, so I thought I'd mention it to you.
I hope I didn't come across too harshly about my reaction to your poem. I love the structure and the rhymes (including the internal ones and the alliteration and assonance). It's just the content that I find disturbing. I know the narrator is not necessarily the poet, but I find it dismaying nonetheless. The poem has a lot of humor, though, which I really like.
I was thinking that, since slugs are hermaphrodites, perhaps "slime's reaper boy: the slug" could be "slime's reaper creature: the slug," which is a slant rhyme actually. "Creature" screws up the meter a bit, though. But not too much, since it's just an anapestic substitution.
Miles
It's great that you have birds and a hedgehog! I cringe at the thought of pesticides. When I see those little yellow signs on people's lawns it upsets me. Lawn chemicals kill a lot of birds and other critters including, of course, insects, which birds depend upon. There's really no good reason for using that stuff, especially merely to make a lawn look beautifully monotonously green.
You're welcome about the apostrophe. I see it done the wrong way a lot, so I thought I'd mention it to you.
I hope I didn't come across too harshly about my reaction to your poem. I love the structure and the rhymes (including the internal ones and the alliteration and assonance). It's just the content that I find disturbing. I know the narrator is not necessarily the poet, but I find it dismaying nonetheless. The poem has a lot of humor, though, which I really like.
I was thinking that, since slugs are hermaphrodites, perhaps "slime's reaper boy: the slug" could be "slime's reaper creature: the slug," which is a slant rhyme actually. "Creature" screws up the meter a bit, though. But not too much, since it's just an anapestic substitution.
Miles
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MilesTRanter
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 327
- Joined: Mon May 23, 2022 4:20 pm
Morpheus - I did a bit of research about slugs and came across this very informative article, in case you're interested.
https://www.slugrings.co.uk/blog/what-e ... and-snails
An excerpt:
https://www.slugrings.co.uk
https://www.slugrings.co.uk/blog/what-e ... and-snails
An excerpt:
I didn't know what "slug rings" were, so I found out:Slugs are one of the garden's finest composters. It is best looked at as a fine balance, where natural predators keep numbers in check, and you can use slug rings to keep them away from individual plants.
https://www.slugrings.co.uk
Thanks again both, I shall have a think about 'creature' and also 'putridly'.
I submitted an earlier rough version of this poem to a comic verse magazine and it was politely declined as a "near miss" many years ago
Caleb absolutely loved this poem and wrote a gushing review last time on PG but thought it was a bit child like in voice or the narrator came across as a simple person. I found that very amusing.
Miles, your reaction to this poem is also one of my favourites ever and it makes writing poetry worthwhile to get these kind of really clever interpretations.
I actually wrote this poem in in 20s when mentally ill. I was posting a lot of light verse on the BBC's Get Writing forum back in the days that the BBC's budget stretched to hosting creative writing boards for the public.
The house fire poem is an example of older work from my 30s and the Cowrie poem I posted on beginners about money was something written recently (I'm 42). I'd like to think that I am maturing my voice but could dip back into the likes of comic verse when the mood calls because admittedly it is fun. However, I recognise that my serious poetry does need work and I'm not in the same league as most of the poets on this forum.
It's a real joy to be here learning and trying to make improvements.
Thanks again.
I submitted an earlier rough version of this poem to a comic verse magazine and it was politely declined as a "near miss" many years ago
Caleb absolutely loved this poem and wrote a gushing review last time on PG but thought it was a bit child like in voice or the narrator came across as a simple person. I found that very amusing.
Miles, your reaction to this poem is also one of my favourites ever and it makes writing poetry worthwhile to get these kind of really clever interpretations.
I actually wrote this poem in in 20s when mentally ill. I was posting a lot of light verse on the BBC's Get Writing forum back in the days that the BBC's budget stretched to hosting creative writing boards for the public.
The house fire poem is an example of older work from my 30s and the Cowrie poem I posted on beginners about money was something written recently (I'm 42). I'd like to think that I am maturing my voice but could dip back into the likes of comic verse when the mood calls because admittedly it is fun. However, I recognise that my serious poetry does need work and I'm not in the same league as most of the poets on this forum.
It's a real joy to be here learning and trying to make improvements.
Thanks again.
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3060
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I was sure that I had posted a comment on this thread, but I don't see it. Maybe I had meant to, and then something sidetracked me.
I like the poem. It's fun.
Oh, you mention me below, so I did make a comment. I guess this is a different thread.
I once saw two slugs doing something that could only have been love-making. They were glued to each other and rubbing their bodies together -- a kind of slug frottage. It was incredibly sensuous.
I like the poem. It's fun.
Oh, you mention me below, so I did make a comment. I guess this is a different thread.
I once saw two slugs doing something that could only have been love-making. They were glued to each other and rubbing their bodies together -- a kind of slug frottage. It was incredibly sensuous.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Thank you both,
Caleb, sorry for the delay in responding, yes you did review at length a few years ago and helped improve the poem. I didn't realise until the other day that all our old PG posts are still on here if you mine deep enough. I thought this was a new forum and that's why I created a new account.
Tristan, thanks for your kind words and I agree with your sentiments regarding Sheffield on the other thread. It's a place I would return to if the opportunity were ever to arise. York is beautiful too, you're well and truly on the tourist map there.
Caleb, sorry for the delay in responding, yes you did review at length a few years ago and helped improve the poem. I didn't realise until the other day that all our old PG posts are still on here if you mine deep enough. I thought this was a new forum and that's why I created a new account.
Tristan, thanks for your kind words and I agree with your sentiments regarding Sheffield on the other thread. It's a place I would return to if the opportunity were ever to arise. York is beautiful too, you're well and truly on the tourist map there.
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ray miller
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Very nice. The only things I'm not so fond of is the title - something more slug-focused? And "with blasphlegmous type trails." I just wonder why you've added "type"?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Many thanks Ray, I think you reviewed this a while back for my Mirrorball account and helped shape it from first revision.
I feel as if I need the beat with "type" so I'll try and think of an alternative.
As for the title, it used to be something slug related but I softened my position and wanted to come across as caring for the plants at least. If you have any better suggestions than I'm all ears.
I feel as if I need the beat with "type" so I'll try and think of an alternative.
As for the title, it used to be something slug related but I softened my position and wanted to come across as caring for the plants at least. If you have any better suggestions than I'm all ears.
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CalebPerry
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- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
Morpheus, both versions work very nicely. I can't really say that I prefer one to the other. I still think this is a delightful poem. I advise you, though, not to overthink it too much. This poem has a lot of spontaneity, and you don't want to lose that.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.