A Narrow Escape (Revised)

[jisbell00]

Very interesting about bonfire!

Cheerie,
John

[Morpheus]

Glad you liked it John,

I've posted a revision.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Morph.

The revision highlights just how poor the line "She told me there’s an order to the hoard" is. It's weak in the previous version, and weaker in this.
? each day the choice I made was to ignore.

Also, you're still bending the grammar to accommodate the rhyme with "Fire starts and spreads like ravenous disease"
How about
When the fire starts we are asleep. ?
or
The fire starts the moment we're asleep. ?
or
The fire starts at midnight. We're asleep. ?

Just noticed you're trying for full rhymes (except for the problematic 'hoard') so, instead ...
A spark becomes a flame in slow degrees.


You might want to play around with opening with this line
She never took much notice when I swore

Oh, and change the title! Why take all the tension out of the poem?

Regards, Not

.

[jisbell00]

She never took much notice when I swore would indeed be a fine opening line.

Cheers,
John

[Morpheus]

Not, your wish is my command.

I feel like you've twisted me into burning the wife.

John, you might want to trade your soul too for a few detailed Not crits.

[jisbell00]

John

[NotQuiteSure]

I feel like you've twisted me into burning the wife.

I merely meant for her to die (to inject a bit of drama.) You, it seems, have chosen to kill her. Which might, narratively speaking, be a good decision.
Those 'keys' are really quite dark now, it does read as if N had locked her in for some reason.
On the other hand, if you substitute a plural or two.

Our cries were muffled by a crackling roar
as through the choking smoke we searched for keys.
She never took much notice when I swore
A row of boxes blocked the bedroom door.

it becomes less dark. Though the question of why one has/is looking for keys looms large. Maybe

Our cries were muffled by a crackling roar;
the smoke had made it hard for us to breathe.
She never took much notice when I swore
A row of boxes blocked the bedroom door

(It's a shame that you can morph (ahem) the final couplet into something like

The jury took no notice when I swore
a row of boxes blocked the bedroom door.
There is something of a 'defendant taking the stand' about it, and that's not all down to the title )

The hoard line is still weak (though better for not being repeated.)
One thought

She never took much notice when I swore
at bulging bags sat bursting at her knees.
A row of boxes blocked the bedroom door

Too often, to my shame, I would ignore
how eBay seemed to set her mind at ease.
She never took much notice when I swore

And this,

Incineration started in her sleep

isn't an improvement. You've gone full rhyme. Lie in it (as the proverb would have it.)

Back to work.

Regards, Not

.

[Morpheus]

And this,

Incineration started in her sleep

isn't an improvement. You've gone full rhyme. Lie in it (as the proverb would have it.)

Back to work.

Regards, Not

Thanks Not, I'm glad the narrative works better for you. I couldn't' quite understand the suggestion that came from elsewhere about switching the refrains but I try it once to please and please it did but I'm none the wiser, perhaps after 10 published collections these things become clearer.

At least the poem developed through it's revisions like the plot of a murder mystery. Perhaps there's a new kind of genre there. A ten poem collection of the same poem re-ordered until it makes sense who dunnit. Do you remember my suicide poem with the same words just reordered on each stanza? "nurses run" is the same letters forwards as it is backwards

I went for "sleep" because you suggested it and I liked the idea of stuff happening in her sleep. Hoard is a slant rhyme too. I would defend incineration as a good link to landfilled on the previous line. They're both a form of waste disposal.

I agree that 'ignore' is a good rhyme I'm missing. Possibly 'sprees' would fit somewhere too. The Chinese had their knife money, oops wrong poem. a rat could slap across and give her fleas. I could do a medley.

[Macavity]

Hi Morph

The theme for the next issue of Wild magazine is Blaze. Submissions are currently open

https://thewildword.com/submissions/

[Morpheus]

Interesting Mac, would you submit the latest version or do you think it still has unresolved issues?

Another option is to look for somewhere that champions form above all else.

[Macavity]

Well you've certainly had plenty of opinions Morph and so my advise is to take ownership. You are the final editor!

[Macavity]

I would add I think Ann's suggestion of echoes is a good one.

[Morpheus]

Thanks Mac, I have already made that change to the dustbin line on the master and I've updated on here too.