A Narrow Fellow (version 5)

[CalebPerry]

A Narrow Fellow (version 5)

We ate almost daily in the same café.
You were lonely and wanted to be chums.
I was in my sixtieth Year of Caution phase,
and you were a bit more forward than I liked,
which made me hiss and coil all the tighter.
Years later I saw you on the street just as I
was slipping into my own lonesome phase.
I said hello and you quickly turned away.
Today I’m in my waning phase, holed up inside
my den, nursing frailties, unable to mend,
shucking my snake-skin one last time before
my scales disintegrate. I showed you how cold
our warming world could be, and wonder now
why it was so hard for me to be a friend.

=============

A Narrow Fellow (version 4)

We ate almost daily in the same café.
You were lonely and wanted to be friends.
I was in my sixtieth year-of-caution phase,
and you were a bit more forward than I liked,
which made me all the colder and suspicious.
Years later I saw you on the street, just when
I was wrestling with my own lonely phase.
I said hello and you quickly turned away.
Today I’m in my waning phase, holed up inside
my rooms, nursing frailties, shucking my snake-
skin one last time before my scales disintegrate,
wishing I had a friend. I showed you how cold
our warming world could be, and wonder now
why it was so hard for me to be cordial.

=============

A Narrow Fellow (version 3)

We ate almost every day in the same café.
You were lonely and wanted to be friends.
I was in my sixtieth year-of-caution phase,
and you were a bit more forward than I liked,
which made me hiss and coil all the tighter.
Years later I saw you on the street, a time
when I was slinking into my own loneliness.
I hissed hello and you quickly looked away.
Today I’m in my fading phase, holed up inside
my lair, nursing frailties, shucking my skin
one last time before my scales disintegrate,
wishing I had a friend. I showed you how cold
our warming world could be; I wonder now
how many people I taught that lesson to.

=============

A Narrow Fellow in the Grass (version 2)

We ate almost every day in the same café.
You were lonely and wanted to be friends.
I was in my sixtieth year-of-caution phase,
and you were a bit more forward than I liked,
which made me hiss and coil all the tighter.
Years later I saw you on the street, about
the time I slinked into my own lonely phase.
I hissed hello and you quickly looked away.
Today I’m in my fading phase, holed up inside
my lair, nursing frailties, shucking my skin
one last time before my scales disintegrate,
wishing I had a friend. I showed you how cold
our warming world could be, my special talent.

=============

Learning My True Nature (version 1)

We ate almost every day in the same café.
You were lonely and wanted to be friends.
I was in my sixtieth year-of-caution phase,
and you were a bit more forward than I liked,
which made me hiss and coil all the tighter.
Years later I saw you on the street, just when
I was slithering into my own lonely phase.
I hissed hello, but you just looked away.
Today I’m in my fading phase, holed up inside
my lair, nursing multiple old-age frailties
as my scales disintegrate, wishing I had a friend.
I showed you how cold our warming world
could be, and now wonder how many others
I might have taught that singular lesson to.

~end~

I'm not in love with the title or with "fading phase". I'm not sure the snake theme works.

[CalebPerry]

I'm going to get things going with my own critique.

I have an unfortunate tendency to rhyme randomly; and I think that when I do that a lot in a poem, it sets up an expectation in a reader to hear the rhymes. In version 1 and 3, I don't end with a rhyme (not to mention that "to" is not the most effective word to end on). Version 2 doesn't rhyme at the end either, but I think ending on "talent" is better than "to". Version 2's ending is simpler since it doesn't introduce my worry that I've been hurting people with my coldness all my life, although that is still implied.

The snake theme doesn't quite fit for me. Perhaps I should just abandon that and write honestly.

[Macavity]

Yes, I agree Caleb, about 'snake', though I like 'slinking'.

Bw

Phil

[CalebPerry]

Yes, I agree Caleb, about 'snake', though I like 'slinking'.

You agree, meaning that the snake theme doesn't quite work for you?

I'll develop a version in which I remove that theme entirely to see how it sounds.

Thank you.

[Macavity]

Yes, the imagery is no longer 'forced' Caleb.

Bw

Phil

[CalebPerry]

Yes, the imagery is no longer 'forced' Caleb.

Thanks, Phil. But I still can't tell if you like the poem any.

[Macavity]

Hi Caleb,
I liked the 'year of caution phase' and the use of phases. Kindness/coldness, the consequences of interaction and rejection, interested me. Progression from friendship, or in this case not, also interested. L1 states you ate almost everyday at the same cafe. What kind of cafe was it? What did you eat? Did you have different preferences in food/drink? Eating habits can reflect personalities and differences between personalities. In what way was the friend more forward?

Hope that helps some

Phil

[CalebPerry]

Hi Caleb,
I liked the 'year of caution phase' and the use of phases. Kindness/coldness, the consequences of interaction and rejection, interested me. Progression from friendship, or in this case not, also interested. L1 states you ate almost everyday at the same cafe. What kind of cafe was it? What did you eat? Did you have different preferences in food/drink? Eating habits can reflect personalities and differences between personalities. In what way was the friend more forward?

Thanks, Phil.

All those details strike me as extraneous, outside of the focus of the poem. I have noticed that people often want to know more details, but then they write poems with 25 words that have no details at all, so I don't know what to think of that. You helped me to make the poem more focussed, and I appreciate that.

To satisfy your own curiosity, it was a diner that sold a variety of foods including pizza. I was approaching 60 and he appeared to be around the same age. Sometimes he would talk to me as if we were already friends, and that was a step too far. All my life, people who are overly friendly have made me uncomfortable -- I guess it is my natural tendency to be suspicious. In many of those instances I now wish I had been less self-protective.

I never noticed what he ate. He was just there a lot, and I felt sorry for him that he was so lonely. There was nothing wrong with the guy, he just didn't know how to approach this particular black window spider.

I don't see a place in the poem for any of these details.

Now perhaps you can tell me why the poem was so uninteresting to the group that you were the only one who said something. People must hate my poetry here.

Thanks for everything.

[jisbell00]

Hi Caleb,

I like this a good deal. You have captured a mood, and the narrative you offer gives it bite. You've told the story simply and elegantly, to my mind, and there is more than a little music in how it plays out. The poem is fresh and holds the attention.

On to details: Nice title! In L1, might daily work? And in L5, more suspicious? I am enjoying your end-stopping, a lot of people over-enjamb when writing meter, in my book, and you are not doing so. After Years later, perhaps a comma? And after shucking, I'd drop snake - I don't much like the enjambment, and shucked skin will be snakeskin by default, I'd say. That gives you an extra syllable in the next line if you'd like it.
Very nice ending. Cordial is the perfect word. Good poem all round.

Cheers,
John

[CalebPerry]

John, thanks so much for looking at the poem. Once again, I am going to bed now. This evening I will go over the poem and try out your various suggestions. You seem to like the poem, which pleases me.

I have replaced "cordial" at the end with "kind", but I may go back to "cordial". Truthfully, I like to end my poems with a rhyme, but I haven't been able to come up with one for this poem.

Thanks again!

[CalebPerry]

Hi Caleb,

I like this a good deal. You have captured a mood, and the narrative you offer gives it bite. You've told the story simply and elegantly, to my mind, and there is more than a little music in how it plays out. The poem is fresh and holds the attention.

On to details: Nice title! In L1, might daily work? And in L5, more suspicious? I am enjoying your end-stopping, a lot of people over-enjamb when writing meter, in my book, and you are not doing so. After Years later, perhaps a comma? And after shucking, I'd drop snake - I don't much like the enjambment, and shucked skin will be snakeskin by default, I'd say. That gives you an extra syllable in the next line if you'd like it.
Very nice ending. Cordial is the perfect word. Good poem all round.

Cheers,
John

"Daily" is in.

I don't see the room to put "more" before "suspicious" without mucking up the rhythm.

"Years later" is such a short phrase to put a comma after. Sometime I leave commas out so as not to force a pause.

I actually like the snake/skin enjambment. I accept that you don't like it, of course. However, if "snakeskin" is one word, perhaps it should be snake-/skin. To me it isn't obvious that the skin is a snakeskin if I don't put "snake" in there.

As I said above, I decided on "kind" at the end, but "cordial" sounds more sophisticated. "Kind" is more raw, so I'll have to think about that.

Thank you, John, you really helped.

[CalebPerry]

I revisited this poem and made changes. I found a rhyme for the final line (mend/friend). That had been driving me crazy ever since I wrote the poem.

It's surprising to me how just the passage of time can give me perspective on a poem.