Your mother's perfume

[camus]

Poem number 5 in the ongoing 'Poem Starters and Creative Writing Ideas' https://www.creative-writing-now.com/poem-starters.html

Ah, those top notes; citrus, lavender
She was a fine woman alright
brutish with a piece of beef
an expert with a colander

And those heart notes; cinnamon, jasmine
They followed her
from room to room
existing there, unyielding

For the base notes; vanilla, musk
Yes, yes and yes
I loved your mother’s perfume
on her neck, on the veranda, just before dusk.

[Lia]

Hahaha! this is great, Kris. Love the voice. I don't think I've seen a colander in a poem before. I have to like the play with rhyme, too. The timing's not too shabby either. Nothing to suggest apart from sending it somewhere.

Lia

[Macavity]

Poem number 5 in the ongoing 'Poem Starters and Creative Writing Ideas' https://www.creative-writing-now.com/poem-starters.html

Ah, those top notes; lavender, citrus
She was a fine woman alright
brutish with a piece of beef
an expert with a colander

And those heart notes; jasmine, cinnamon
They followed her
from room to room
existing there, unyielding

For the base notes; musk, vanilla
Yes, yes and yes
I loved your mother’s perfume
on her neck, on the veranda, just before dusk.

Perhaps shift the rhyme a tad, tones down musk/dusk. Good one.

[CalebPerry]

I was thrown by "your mother". I assumed you were writing about your own mother, and therefore would have said "my mother". I think you are taking that list too literally.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Kris,
I like this, a parent talking to their (looking horrified) offspring?
Only stumbles for me were that opening 'ah'. Seems almost ... hammy?
And the 'For the bases notes', just rang ever so slightly off.
Maybe
Base notes, always vanilla, musk
?

I liked the musk/dusk ending (and the vanilla/veranda pairing)
but 'brutish with a piece of beef' wins hands down.

Regards, Not

.

[camus]

Lia,

Thank you! As for sending it somewhere, perhaps by the end of these little experiments I'll have something worthy of sending somewhere? It has given me a new lease of poetic life and I am rather enjoying it.

Mac,

Perhaps shift the rhyme a tad, tones down musk/dusk

Good spot. That rhyme was troubling me. I think your suggestion would work well. My first version included "Rhino's Tusk" forced rhyme at its very best.

Caleb,

I think you are taking that list too literally.

Mmmm, i do see your point. I would argue though, the problem with that is?
'Not' actually nailed it. See below.

I'd like to see you attempt one of the titles. Then we can talk. In fact it would perhaps be a great idea for a competition. Not necessarily this list.

Not,

A parent talking to their (looking horrified) offspring?

Yes! That was my original idea, I changed it somewhat, opened it up to interpretation, but yeah, we can call it that.

And the 'For the bases notes', just rang ever so slightly off.
Maybe
Base notes, always vanilla, musk

Agreed. I'm going to have a play about with yours and Mac's suggestions.

Only stumbles for me were that opening 'ah'. Seems almost ... hammy?

It does a bit, doesn't it. I have a habit of including (there must be a term for it) exclamatory openings!

Cheers all.
Kris

[Lia]

haha, I'm glad this is open to interpretation. I pictured the narrator down the pub talking to his best mate!

[ray miller]

I though N was talking to his wife or girlfriend. I've a bad mind. Nice poem, either way.
an expert with a colander - I guess that's damned with faint praise.

[dkemper314]

Howdy!

Very skilled progression: just the right tone set with "notes," too. Gives the gourmet feel of how sweetly those things are savored. Finally, I just adored the final two lines' way of saying without saying. The past tense verb and the objective correlative of sunset... my o my... sweet and poignant.

[camus]

Ray,

I thought N was talking to his wife or girlfriend.

He was, and I've a bad mind too !

dkemper,

Howdy! right back at ya. Any relation to...Never mind. Welcome though.

the objective correlative of sunset

I knew exactly what I was doing with those lines, just didn't relate them to T.S. Eliot. That was a good learn.

Hope to see some of your own stuff?

Cheers
Kris

[dkemper314]

Edmund Kemper, the Ogre of Aptos? No. James Longstreet Kemper, yes, distantly.

The craft didn't seem accidental. Will be looking for more of yours.

[camus]

I've been messing around with recording some poems for my website.

I fully appreciate poetry to be an oral art, BUT, on the few occasions i've attended a poetry soiree, I've balked at the chance of reading aloud. Perhaps it's my nature, perhaps it's that my poems don't have the oomph to present orally? BUT (as is the glorious nature of the social media world) I'm happy to record and upload...

''No poem, which when mastered, is not better heard than read is good poetry." Said Auden. Well that's alright for Auden to say!

Anyhow here is the effort for this poem - https://closetpoet.co.uk/your-mothers-perfume/

Cheers
Kris

[Lia]

I'm glad you chose this one, Kris. The playful tone works well on and off the page. I've always enjoyed your audios - it's that accent of yours! Actually, I miss the old audios that used to be on the forum. The ones that everyone made long ago. I guess they were lost during the move?

Very much enjoyed,

Lia

[David]

I've put my comment on this poem in your Recording Poems thread.

David

[camus]

Ha! thanks Lia, chuffed it works. Nowt like a bit of guttural Grimbarian. Cleethorpes actually, we try not to associate with Grimsby riff raff!

Actually, I miss the old audios that used to be on the forum. The ones that everyone made long ago. I guess they were lost during the move?

That's a good point, where did they go? Where were they originally posted, can you remember? If they are not on here, they are perhaps lurking in the database somewhere?

David,

I've put my comment on this poem in your Recording Poems thread.

Ah yes, a double post. My mistake. I'll check your reply, thanks.

Cheers
Kris

[camus]

Lia,

I've just remembered. The recordings were made using a 3rd party audio recording device, and simply posted here as links to whichever site or device the poet chose to use. We decided it was too much of a technical faff to integrate them directly into the forum. At least i think i'm correct in recalling that? So there won't be anything stored anywhere in the database.

That said, I would still be interested in knowing where they were originally posted?

Cheers
Kris

[jisbell00]

Hi Kris,

Lavender-colander is a great rhyme! The rest is fun as well. Nice stuff.

Cheers,
John

[Lia]

I'm not too sure, Kris. Back then, I remember making a wav file and then sending it either to you or Nicola who then added it to some kind of ipod player that used to be in the first comment of this page:

viewtopic.php?f=23&t=2348

I think some poets used soundcloud. I thought Nicola downloaded the files and then uploaded them onto the player. Or that you would pass the files onto her. Later, some poets would simply put the link to their audio recordings in a thread, in the section of the forum called 'Audio Feature'.

If anyone still has them, it would be Nicola, I guess. But it's quite possible they're lost now. Maybe there could be a new player one day?

Lia