Your mother's perfume
- camus
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Poem number 5 in the ongoing 'Poem Starters and Creative Writing Ideas' https://www.creative-writing-now.com/poem-starters.html
Ah, those top notes; citrus, lavender
She was a fine woman alright
brutish with a piece of beef
an expert with a colander
And those heart notes; cinnamon, jasmine
They followed her
from room to room
existing there, unyielding
For the base notes; vanilla, musk
Yes, yes and yes
I loved your mother’s perfume
on her neck, on the veranda, just before dusk.
Ah, those top notes; citrus, lavender
She was a fine woman alright
brutish with a piece of beef
an expert with a colander
And those heart notes; cinnamon, jasmine
They followed her
from room to room
existing there, unyielding
For the base notes; vanilla, musk
Yes, yes and yes
I loved your mother’s perfume
on her neck, on the veranda, just before dusk.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
Hahaha! this is great, Kris. Love the voice. I don't think I've seen a colander in a poem before. I have to like the play with rhyme, too. The timing's not too shabby either. Nothing to suggest apart from sending it somewhere.
Lia
Lia
Perhaps shift the rhyme a tad, tones down musk/dusk. Good one.camus wrote: ↑Thu Oct 13, 2022 9:11 pmPoem number 5 in the ongoing 'Poem Starters and Creative Writing Ideas' https://www.creative-writing-now.com/poem-starters.html
Ah, those top notes; lavender, citrus
She was a fine woman alright
brutish with a piece of beef
an expert with a colander
And those heart notes; jasmine, cinnamon
They followed her
from room to room
existing there, unyielding
For the base notes; musk, vanilla
Yes, yes and yes
I loved your mother’s perfume
on her neck, on the veranda, just before dusk.
- CalebPerry
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I was thrown by "your mother". I assumed you were writing about your own mother, and therefore would have said "my mother". I think you are taking that list too literally.
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If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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Hi Kris,
I like this, a parent talking to their (looking horrified) offspring?
Only stumbles for me were that opening 'ah'. Seems almost ... hammy?
And the 'For the bases notes', just rang ever so slightly off.
Maybe
Base notes, always vanilla, musk
?
I liked the musk/dusk ending (and the vanilla/veranda pairing)
but 'brutish with a piece of beef' wins hands down.
Regards, Not
.
I like this, a parent talking to their (looking horrified) offspring?
Only stumbles for me were that opening 'ah'. Seems almost ... hammy?
And the 'For the bases notes', just rang ever so slightly off.
Maybe
Base notes, always vanilla, musk
?
I liked the musk/dusk ending (and the vanilla/veranda pairing)
but 'brutish with a piece of beef' wins hands down.
Regards, Not
.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sun Oct 16, 2022 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- camus
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Lia,
Thank you! As for sending it somewhere, perhaps by the end of these little experiments I'll have something worthy of sending somewhere? It has given me a new lease of poetic life and I am rather enjoying it.
Mac,
Caleb,
'Not' actually nailed it. See below.
I'd like to see you attempt one of the titles. Then we can talk. In fact it would perhaps be a great idea for a competition. Not necessarily this list.
Not,
Cheers all.
Kris
Thank you! As for sending it somewhere, perhaps by the end of these little experiments I'll have something worthy of sending somewhere? It has given me a new lease of poetic life and I am rather enjoying it.
Mac,
Good spot. That rhyme was troubling me. I think your suggestion would work well. My first version included "Rhino's Tusk" forced rhyme at its very best.Perhaps shift the rhyme a tad, tones down musk/dusk
Caleb,
Mmmm, i do see your point. I would argue though, the problem with that is?I think you are taking that list too literally.
'Not' actually nailed it. See below.
I'd like to see you attempt one of the titles. Then we can talk. In fact it would perhaps be a great idea for a competition. Not necessarily this list.
Not,
Yes! That was my original idea, I changed it somewhat, opened it up to interpretation, but yeah, we can call it that.A parent talking to their (looking horrified) offspring?
Agreed. I'm going to have a play about with yours and Mac's suggestions.And the 'For the bases notes', just rang ever so slightly off.
Maybe
Base notes, always vanilla, musk
It does a bit, doesn't it. I have a habit of including (there must be a term for it) exclamatory openings!Only stumbles for me were that opening 'ah'. Seems almost ... hammy?
Cheers all.
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
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I though N was talking to his wife or girlfriend. I've a bad mind. Nice poem, either way.
an expert with a colander - I guess that's damned with faint praise.
an expert with a colander - I guess that's damned with faint praise.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Howdy!
Very skilled progression: just the right tone set with "notes," too. Gives the gourmet feel of how sweetly those things are savored. Finally, I just adored the final two lines' way of saying without saying. The past tense verb and the objective correlative of sunset... my o my... sweet and poignant.
Very skilled progression: just the right tone set with "notes," too. Gives the gourmet feel of how sweetly those things are savored. Finally, I just adored the final two lines' way of saying without saying. The past tense verb and the objective correlative of sunset... my o my... sweet and poignant.
- camus
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Ray,
dkemper,
Howdy! right back at ya. Any relation to...Never mind. Welcome though.
Hope to see some of your own stuff?
Cheers
Kris
He was, and I've a bad mind too !I thought N was talking to his wife or girlfriend.
dkemper,
Howdy! right back at ya. Any relation to...Never mind. Welcome though.
I knew exactly what I was doing with those lines, just didn't relate them to T.S. Eliot. That was a good learn.the objective correlative of sunset
Hope to see some of your own stuff?
Cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
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Edmund Kemper, the Ogre of Aptos? No. James Longstreet Kemper, yes, distantly.
The craft didn't seem accidental. Will be looking for more of yours.
The craft didn't seem accidental. Will be looking for more of yours.
- camus
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I've been messing around with recording some poems for my website.
I fully appreciate poetry to be an oral art, BUT, on the few occasions i've attended a poetry soiree, I've balked at the chance of reading aloud. Perhaps it's my nature, perhaps it's that my poems don't have the oomph to present orally? BUT (as is the glorious nature of the social media world) I'm happy to record and upload...
''No poem, which when mastered, is not better heard than read is good poetry." Said Auden. Well that's alright for Auden to say!
Anyhow here is the effort for this poem - https://closetpoet.co.uk/your-mothers-perfume/
Cheers
Kris
I fully appreciate poetry to be an oral art, BUT, on the few occasions i've attended a poetry soiree, I've balked at the chance of reading aloud. Perhaps it's my nature, perhaps it's that my poems don't have the oomph to present orally? BUT (as is the glorious nature of the social media world) I'm happy to record and upload...
''No poem, which when mastered, is not better heard than read is good poetry." Said Auden. Well that's alright for Auden to say!
Anyhow here is the effort for this poem - https://closetpoet.co.uk/your-mothers-perfume/
Cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
I'm glad you chose this one, Kris. The playful tone works well on and off the page. I've always enjoyed your audios - it's that accent of yours! Actually, I miss the old audios that used to be on the forum. The ones that everyone made long ago. I guess they were lost during the move?
Very much enjoyed,
Lia
Very much enjoyed,
Lia
- camus
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Ha! thanks Lia, chuffed it works. Nowt like a bit of guttural Grimbarian. Cleethorpes actually, we try not to associate with Grimsby riff raff!
David,
Cheers
Kris
That's a good point, where did they go? Where were they originally posted, can you remember? If they are not on here, they are perhaps lurking in the database somewhere?Actually, I miss the old audios that used to be on the forum. The ones that everyone made long ago. I guess they were lost during the move?
David,
Ah yes, a double post. My mistake. I'll check your reply, thanks.I've put my comment on this poem in your Recording Poems thread.
Cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
- camus
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Lia,
I've just remembered. The recordings were made using a 3rd party audio recording device, and simply posted here as links to whichever site or device the poet chose to use. We decided it was too much of a technical faff to integrate them directly into the forum. At least i think i'm correct in recalling that? So there won't be anything stored anywhere in the database.
That said, I would still be interested in knowing where they were originally posted?
Cheers
Kris
I've just remembered. The recordings were made using a 3rd party audio recording device, and simply posted here as links to whichever site or device the poet chose to use. We decided it was too much of a technical faff to integrate them directly into the forum. At least i think i'm correct in recalling that? So there won't be anything stored anywhere in the database.
That said, I would still be interested in knowing where they were originally posted?
Cheers
Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
I'm not too sure, Kris. Back then, I remember making a wav file and then sending it either to you or Nicola who then added it to some kind of ipod player that used to be in the first comment of this page:
viewtopic.php?f=23&t=2348
I think some poets used soundcloud. I thought Nicola downloaded the files and then uploaded them onto the player. Or that you would pass the files onto her. Later, some poets would simply put the link to their audio recordings in a thread, in the section of the forum called 'Audio Feature'.
If anyone still has them, it would be Nicola, I guess. But it's quite possible they're lost now. Maybe there could be a new player one day?
Lia
viewtopic.php?f=23&t=2348
I think some poets used soundcloud. I thought Nicola downloaded the files and then uploaded them onto the player. Or that you would pass the files onto her. Later, some poets would simply put the link to their audio recordings in a thread, in the section of the forum called 'Audio Feature'.
If anyone still has them, it would be Nicola, I guess. But it's quite possible they're lost now. Maybe there could be a new player one day?
Lia