Mooncalf (Revision)

[JJHenderson]

V2
the moon scrabbled
and clapperclawed to hang in the sky

blood crept
beneath cracks in the barndoor

as dust and straw
stuck to the afterbirth and calf

huddled in
the corner of its moonstruck pen

cries of hunger
skim the wilds near the borderlands

crude legs bend
try to stretch try to stand

try to find the balance
and all that hangs in it

V1
the moon scrabbled
and clapperclawed to hang in the sky

blood crept
beneath cracks in the barndoor

as dust and straw
clung to afterbirth and calf

huddled in
the corner of a pinewood pen

cries of hunger
skim the wilds near the borderlands

legs bend
try to stretch try to stand

try to find the balance
and all that hangs in it

-S3L2 "stuck" changed to "clung"
-S2L2 removed "the"
-S3L2 removed "the"
-S4L2 changed "the" to "a"
-S5L2 "of" changed to "near"
-S6L1 removed "new"

[Macavity]

Hi JJ

I googled 'mooncalf' and there are a number of meanings, including 'malformed'. The wonderful clapperclawed suggested to me a night of struggle and ill-omen with the moon. Allusion to the borderland, existence on the edge, also prompted me to the life/death balance in birth.

as dust and straw
clung to the afterbirth and calf

For consonance and more malevolence

cries of hunger
skim the borderlands

Reduce the of count and borderlands imply wild. The cries of the calf or of a predator? Messaging outside or inside the barn?

new legs bend
try to stretch try to stand

Implied in birth

try to find the balance
and all that hangs in it

Threads back to S1 with hangs, but...like 'balance'...perhaps it is the 'in' that bothers...will ponder.. fine got it

Phil

[ray miller]

I suppose a calf looks foolish as it tries to find its feet. Still, Mooncalf, if it's meaning "born fool" seems a bit harsh. Borderlands made me wonder as well, the border between the unborn and the born, perhaps? Anyway, I love how the moon scrabbling is echoed at the end, the last stanza is very clever. The 3rd and 4th couplets are pretty tame compared to the rest, but I suppose they move the story on. There is a lot of "the".

[Lia]

All of your word choices are so good in this, JJ. I find them earthy and interesting. You've created with such a light hand, too, though the meaning is all encompassing. I have noticed that you enjoy these all encompassing themes and it's a pleasure to see you tackle them.

Though the poem has a close focus with the calf, the moon sits there in the minds eye to symbolise what hangs in the balance. I enjoy this unsettling line,

"blood crept
beneath the cracks in the barndoor"

It suggests an uncertainty to me. I was expecting the poem to go somewhere quite dark but instead we have possibility, a kind of weighing of outcomes. I enjoy how the end circles back to the moon. It's nicely done.

I notice that the poem is in two tenses. Would you consider present tense for all of it? I think it would create immediacy... which would make the story of the poem feel like it's happening in this moment and, because of that, perhaps more striking.

Much enjoyed,

Lia

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi John,
fabulous. Worth it for clappeclawed alone, but the rest doesn't disappoint.


Regards, Not

.

[JJHenderson]

Hi Phil,

Good notes. I took the "clung" one and removed "new" (I can convince myself "legs bend" is a spondee). I would consider changing "wild" but I need some word there for the meter (the dimeter/tetrameter pattern). In the mean time I replaced "of" with "near."

Hi Ray,

As Phil mentioned, Mooncalf has a lot of meanings. It was originally used to refer to monstrous births, often used of malformed calves, thought to be due to the ill-influence of the moon. Prospero uses the term to refer to Caliban in The Tempest. My usage was perhaps more metaphorical: life is a struggle, death and danger are always near, so much that perhaps all births are monstrous and ill-formed on a kind of metaphorical level. Nobody has any idea what they're getting into.

Borders between the born and unborn were definitely one of the meanings I had in mind, but also between life and death, the wilds and civilization, etc. Glad you like that last stanza. I struggled mightily to get it as balanced as possible (count the letters!). Good note on the proliferation of "the." I seem rather insensitive to articles and unstressed words. I will try to edit some of them down.

Hi Lia,

Thanks for the kudos. I'm a sucker for big themes; too many years spent reading philosophy! I will consider changing all to the present tense, though I had tried to use the tense switch as a kind of volta. Behind the unusual form a rather atypical sonnet is functioning with the tense switch serving as a rather traditional l9 volta.

Hi Not,

Thanks!

[Macavity]

skim the borderlands to the wilds

possible option JJ?

the corner of a pinewood pen

Not sure pinewood is contributing much to the atmosphere. You could highlight the moon influence?

the corner of a moonlit pen

Phil

[Lia]

Hi JJ, yes I see where the volta appears and why you wish to enhance it with the tense change. It might also be argued that it becomes more expansive in meaning at that point so the poem allows for the tense shift. I like the revision but I must be honest, I miss the sonics of 'stuck' and its attempt at tipping the balance (with the blood/cracks just beforehand).

Lia

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi John,

I'm not sure the revisions have improved the piece.
I liked the /ʌ / sounds of dust and stuck (made me hear suction).
'a pinewood pen' is too vague. If you must lose 'the' perhaps 'it's'?
Why not just 'skim the wild borderlands'?
I liked 'new legs' (legs on their own is just too bland.)
Still wonder about 'trying to find the balance', but ... if it ain't broke.

Regards, Not

.

[JJHenderson]

Hi Phil,

I'm still mulling over the borderlands line. I like having borderlands last as it becomes a rhyme/slant-rhyme for bend/stand/find. Good call on pinewood. I quasi-took your advice and made it "moonstruck," though that necessitated changing "clung" back to "stuck" just to get the echo in there, and other readers seemed to prefer the latter any way (I was ambivalent myself).

Hi Lia,

Stuck is back! Thanks for the reading.

Hi Not,

As above, stuck is back. Good suggestion on "its pen." I added "crude" to "new legs," which carries several connotations I like. As I said to Phil, I'm still mulling the borderlands line. "Skim the wild borderlands" is a very debatable tetrameter. I think many readers would be tempted not to stress "wild" there because the obvious stress of "bord(er)" follows it. "Trying" in "trying to find" would ruin the literal balance of the lines (trochaic trimeter/iambic trimeter, 19 letters each).

[Macavity]

Hi JJ

Some interesting edits. Reminded me how much a poem can deliver with nouns and verbs.

I felt the poem had earned the starkness of legs bend, but I understand your concerns with metre. The adjective crude slots into your soundscape and, like you say, has several connotations. An emphasis for the balance of life/death in those beginnings when the equipment for survival is rudimentary and really needs time to develop.

I continue to engage with this poem. Thank you for sharing.

Phil

[MilesTRanter]

Hi JJ,

I haven’t read any of the comments. I enjoyed reading this.
I like the way “hangs” comes back at the end. At the beginning, the moon hangs in the sky, and later the calf tries to find the balance and all that hangs in it. So the moon is, in a way, entangled with the (moon)calf.

I’m sure you know that “mooncalf” is a term for a foolish person. So, at first, that’s what I thought the theme was going to be.

I love the sound of “clapperclawed,” though I’m not sure exactly what it means.

The poem starts in past tense and then shifts to present tense. That threw me off a little bit. But, of course, first the calf is born and then it cries out. I like the aural perspective of the calf’s calls resounding through the wilds. I can picture being somewhere far from the farm and hearing a faint and distant cry.

crude legs bend
try to stretch try to stand

try to find the balance
and all that hangs in it

This part brought to mind these lines from Frost’s “The Pasture”:

I’m going out to fetch the little calf
that’s standing my the mother. It’s so young
it totters when she licks it with her tongue.

I love the alliteration of scrabbled, clapperclawed, crept, cracks, calf, corner, cries, crude.

This is a captivating poem. It’s about new life and the instinct and will to survive. If I have any nits, I’ll come back. Or I may come back anyway just to read this again for my own enjoyment.

[JJHenderson]

Hi Phil,

Thanks for revisiting. What did you think of "moonstruck" to describe the pen?

Hi Miles,

Thanks for the thoughtful reading. The meaning of mooncalf has an old history in English as it used to refer to monstrous births (Shakespeare used it to describe Caliban in The Tempest). Although I didn't really have the "foolish person" meaning in mind, I think it works to describe any newborn things that come into this world not knowing anything. "Clapperclawed" means to fight by scratching and clawing. As I mentioned to Lia, the tense change was to signal a kind of volta, hinting at the subtle sonnet form of the poem (the tense change happens in line 9-10). Thanks for posting that extract of the Frost poem; I've read through Frost's works but don't remember that one offhand. Happy to hear you enjoyed the alliteration; I really tried to work within a limited sound palette in this poem. Also very happy to hear you found it captivating!

[Macavity]

Easy one to answer JJ. It enhances the read, sonically, and punctuates for the first eight lines. The symbolic power, its mysterious influence, is reinforced and stamped on the event. A forceful addition.

Phil