Cooking Apples (v3)

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NotQuiteSure
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Wed Aug 03, 2022 12:59 pm

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(1c)
Cooking Apples


Most we scrunched
in quartered sheets of newspaper.

Smut stained fingers
packed them into trays –

reclaimed, reused and stacked
two deep on wooden cellar shelves;

a catacomb of pulp-white skulls
awaiting winter's resurrection.

The remainder she would stew to sludge,
simmered, in her largest pot: their mist

– brown sugar-sweetened rot – unsettled
its lid, filled her kitchen, then the house.

Their sourness drawn lung-deep
and carried heartward, in the blood.



_________________



(1b)
Cooking Apples


Most we scrunch
in quartered sheets of newspaper, smut
stained fingers pack them into trays

– reclaimed, reused and stacked,
two deep – on cellar shelves. Below
her house a catacomb of pulp-white skulls

await the winter's resurrection.
The remainder she will stew to sludge
in her biggest pot. Their mist

– brown sugar-sweetened rot – unsettles
its lid and fills the kitchen, then her house.
Their sourness drawn lung-deep

and carried heartward, in the blood.

____________


(1a)
Cooking Apples


Most we scrunched
in quartered sheets of newspaper, smut
stained fingers packed them into trays

– reclaimed, reused and stacked,
two deep – on cellar shelves. Below
her house a catacomb of pulp-white skulls

await the winter's resurrection.
The remainder she would stew to sludge
in the largest pot. Their mist

– brown sugar-sweetened rot – unsettled
its lid and filled the kitchen, then her house.
Their sourness drawn lung-deep

and carried heartward, in the blood.



_____________________


Originally,

https://proleartthreat.co.uk/forum/view ... =3&t=24174


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Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Fri Aug 05, 2022 4:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.
ray miller
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Wed Aug 03, 2022 3:45 pm

Not a whole lot of difference in the two versions but as the past tense gives you stacked/packed I'd pick that one. I like smut-stained fingers.

Below her house a catacomb of pulp-white skulls - do you need Below her house?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
NotQuiteSure
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Wed Aug 03, 2022 5:25 pm

Hi, ray.

Yes, the present tense was just a fleeting thought, stacked/packed it is.

do you need Below her house?

No, I don't think I do, thanks

Regards, Not..
Macavity
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Wed Aug 03, 2022 6:18 pm

Another light hearted one Not :lol: Speaking of heart...'in the blood'...how else would it be carried? You could end on 'lung-deep'.

'sourness drawn lung-deep' and 'catacomb of pulp-white skulls' are nicely gothic. 'biggest' no doubt accurate, but more domestic.

Mac
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Lia
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Wed Aug 03, 2022 8:18 pm

So much to like in this, Not. I have difficulty choosing between present and past tense. I have a few thoughts for you - some punc related and then a couple of word suggestions - so I've edited both versions as I can't choose:

(I haven't highlighted the punc because it would look a bit messy so please look for commas etc.)

(1b)
Cooking Apples


Most we scrunch
in quartered sheets of newspaper. Smut
stained fingers pack them into trays –

reclaimed, reused and stacked
two deep on cellar shelves. Below
her house, a catacomb of pulp-white skulls

awaits/waiting/awaiting the winter's resurrection.
The remainder she will stew to sludge
in her biggest pot. Their mist;

brown sugar-sweetened rot, unsettles
a lid and fills her kitchen, then the house.
Their sourness drawn lung-deep

and carried heartward, in the blood.
____________


(1a)
Cooking Apples


Most we scrunched
in quartered sheets of newspaper. Smut
stained fingers packed them into trays –

reclaimed, reused and stacked
two deep on cellar shelves. Below
her house, a catacomb of pulp-white skulls

awaits/waiting/awaiting the winter's resurrection.
The remainder, she would stew to sludge
in her largest pot. Their mist;

brown sugar-sweetened rot, unsettled
the lid and filled her kitchen, then the house.
Their sourness drawn lung-deep

and carried heartward, in the blood.


You can have 'await' if you use catacombs. But what a line it is;

"Below
her house, a catacomb of pulp-white skulls

awaits the winter's resurrection."

The reason I would keep house in this part is because something is happening with shelves/house/skulls/sourness/blood ...a stack, if you like. I also enjoy the way 'Below her house' pulls the reader down into the catacomb. Something that cellar shelves doesn't do on its own.

I'd likely choose 1a - 'Most we scrunched' - because the reminiscent opening is more moving. But 'unsettles' is lovely in 1b.

If you keep the first house, I think you're going to have to do something about the second one which is why I've highlighted it in apple-green. Whatever you do, one must go. In my opinion, the second one is weaker because kitchen is enough.

The last two lines are so particularly good. I can't get enough of them!

Lia
NotQuiteSure
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Thu Aug 04, 2022 1:13 pm

Hi Lia,
so that's two for the past tense. Fine.

The two houses, if I can only keep one it would be the second, that it fills the house (infects everything) matters. (And it was most definitely her house.)
await/s - I just prefer the sound of it without the /s/ (its a bit crowded with esses in that part.) but I'll try 'awaiting', see how it feels.


two deep on wooden cellar shelves. Below
her house* a catacomb of pulp-white skulls

awaiting winter's resurrection.


* or Below / the stairs a catacomb ...
or Below / the/her stove a catacomb ...
or Below / her feet a catacomb ...


Regards, Not

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Lia
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Thu Aug 04, 2022 7:52 pm

The two houses, if I can only keep one it would be the second, that it fills the house (infects everything) matters. (And it was most definitely her house.)
If it must, it must. Unless you used another word for house?

From your choices, personally I'd go with 'stairs' because of the stack I mentioned earlier, but you might like deep/feet (and 'her'). Thinking of an alternative word for house in the first, you could say below her rooms.

Lia
NotQuiteSure
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Fri Aug 05, 2022 4:04 pm

Lia wrote:
Thu Aug 04, 2022 7:52 pm
Unless you used another word for house?
I'll have a think, in the meantime ...
JJHenderson
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Sun Aug 07, 2022 2:11 am

I love the imagery in this, though not being a cook it's hard for me to appreciate on a deeper level. The closest I get to identifying with anything here is smelling it throughout the house as my mom used to cook apple pies.

Two things made me pause reading this. The first pause was "smut stained." I'm not sure where you're from, but where I'm from in the US "smut" is often a synonym for "pornography" or "erotica," which I assume you're not implying.

The last line also caused me to pause only because that line sounds quite portentous and dark in a way I didn't quite get from the rest of the poem; but going back and rereading maybe that IS the tone you were going for? I mean, sourness getting in the blood is a pretty dark closing, but you have other hints of darkness too, like the catacomb, the rot, the smut, the sludge... I think my issue is that there isn't much of a hint of any real-life darkness (outside the apple cooking, I mean) that the poem is pointing at. If you're just using the apple cooking as a way of hinting at that real life darkness that's fine, but I wasn't 100% sure if that's the tone you're going for.

Beyond that I don't think I have much in the way of constructive criticism; this seems quite excellent as is, and I love "a catacomb of pulp-white skulls" and "stew to sludge" and the various play of sonics like "pot/mist/rot/lid."
ray miller
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Sun Aug 07, 2022 11:12 am

JJHenderson wrote:
Sun Aug 07, 2022 2:11 am
Two things made me pause reading this. The first pause was "smut stained." I'm not sure where you're from, but where I'm from in the US "smut" is often a synonym for "pornography" or "erotica," which I assume you're not implying.
You've not read British tabloids then?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
NotQuiteSure
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Sun Aug 07, 2022 1:01 pm

Hi JJ,
I see ray's beaten me to the punch regarding 'smut'.

I think my issue is that there isn't much of a hint of any real-life darkness (outside the apple cooking, I mean) that the poem is pointing at.

I take your point, I'll have a think, but the ambition (if such it was) was at hinting. Still, maybe it should be opened out.

Much appreciated.

Not

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JJHenderson
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Mon Aug 08, 2022 12:40 am

ray miller wrote:
Sun Aug 07, 2022 11:12 am
JJHenderson wrote:
Sun Aug 07, 2022 2:11 am
Two things made me pause reading this. The first pause was "smut stained." I'm not sure where you're from, but where I'm from in the US "smut" is often a synonym for "pornography" or "erotica," which I assume you're not implying.
You've not read British tabloids then?
Not being British I have indeed not read them.
ray miller
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Mon Aug 08, 2022 12:40 pm

It became de rigueur sometime in the 1970s, I think, for British tabloids to include pictures of young women with their tops off.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
JJHenderson
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Tue Aug 09, 2022 1:17 am

ray miller wrote:
Mon Aug 08, 2022 12:40 pm
It became de rigueur sometime in the 1970s, I think, for British tabloids to include pictures of young women with their tops off.
Ah, well, all I know of that is the Page 3 Sun girls back from the days when internet was too slow for downloading videos and the closest a young and horny adolescent could get to pornography was the striptease of watching a jpeg of Keely Hazell loading line-by-line! In any case, I just wasn't sure if "smut" was meant to carry that erotic connotation in this piece.
capricorn
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Sat Aug 13, 2022 5:59 pm

Hi Not,

Great to see a poem from you in this forum. I like this one, loved this stanza

a catacomb of pulp-white skulls
awaiting winter's resurrection.

Only one thing struck me, you start with 'we' scrunched and later when you say

The remainder she would stew to sludge,

this leaves me wondering who 'she' is - mother, wife, sister, granny?

It might not be important but it is the only thing that got me thinking about in this well written piece.

Eira
NotQuiteSure
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Sun Aug 14, 2022 11:36 am

Hi Eira.

this leaves me wondering who 'she' is - mother, wife, sister, granny?
granny. Happy to change 'she' if you think it would help.

but it is the only thing that got me thinking about in this well written piece.
care to revisit this line? :)

Regards, Not
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