Poetry Forum

You chuck a cheap shot, Gav,
is dat de best you ‘ave?
I hear de same boo-hisses
when I pisses on de lav.
You say I cusp of misguided,
me say just get lost
so I shine up de lightin’
on me language torch
see you crawlin’ your belly
through de hermit dust


I gotta watch


I gotta watch


Dem is de big breaks, Gav,
like de true poets ‘ave.
I no a real poet
so me just down drag
mek a tight pack o’ stuffin’
wi’ no pregnant pause
fill de bang full o’ nuffin
but sour ‘n’ sauce.


You gotta watch


You gotta watch



You gotta watch your back
no mek your shoulders roun’,
de weight o’ de manners
toss you up and down.
Damn cheek call I chicken
when you hide in de ground,
me put a sting on your tail
you lyin’ lickle ‘ound.

So unusual, Ray. I didn't understand all of the slang straight away, but after another read or two, I'd cracked the code. That first S is excellent. Really like this,

so I shine up de lightin’
on me language torch
see you crawlin’ your belly
through de hermit dust

In this first S, are you able to say 'in me lav' or does the 'me' conflict with the 'me' two lines later? I ask because 'on de lav' doesn't sound accurate and it might not sound right on the ear to say 'in de lav'.

This is very good. I couldn't help laughing,

"I gotta watch


I gotta watch


Dem is de big breaks, Gav,"

The rest of S2 is very good, too, and amusing. The final S is tightly packed and tugs the reader back to the title. I had one other suggestion. It's to do with this line,

"Damn cheek call I chicken"

It's the 'I'. Me would sound too ordinary and is possibly too close to the one two lines down. But what about 'dis' as if the N gestures to themselves? Well see what you think, Ray. It's clever and well-crafted... would be something to hear you read that on a slam night!

Lia

p.s. just thought I'd come back, Ray, as I'm still thinking about 'I'. Another idea popped in my head: '...say I is chicken'

Hi Ray,

I agree, this would be a very interesting slam poem. I think the voice here is fresh and true, and the whole coheres nicely to tell a tale. My one concern is whether the tonal register is sustained throughout, which I'm not equipped to answer: I just wonder whether the N would in fact say "Damn cheek," which makes me glimpse a different speaker. Seen (or heard) from the US, that sounds rather plummy. But what do I know?

Cheers,
John

wi’ no pregnant pause
fill de bang full o’ nuffin

Indeed

so I shine up de lightin’
on me language torch

great phrase, I'm guessing the hermit dust are the obscure outputs of internalised, isolated poets

Thanks for the comments. Now you mention it, Lia, I suppose "in de lav" sounds best. To me anyhow. Or "in me lav". I'm favouring "say I chicken" but I did have "me chicken." When I lived in Birmingham I was familiar with the speech patterns, but it's been a long time. "Damn cheek" can sound plummy, John, but depends who's saying it.
Phil, do you remember Gavin, who was something of a bewildering and disruptive presence here long ago. This was addressed to him. I miss him, though.

Thanks, Ray - good to know!

Cheers,
John

Hi ray,
enjoyed the read, but I not sure about the narrators voice (nor why you've chosen it.)

The use of both I and me, sounds off to me, as does the opening. I assume your aiming for West Indian, but starting with 'you', isn't ringing true. Of course, I may not be factoring in the Brummie

Dat one cheap shot, Gav,
rass, dat de best you 'ave?
I hear dem same boo-hisses
each time I pissin' pon I lav.
Gav, You say cusp misguided,
I say dat boy been lost
when I come shine de lightin'
pon I language torch
you down there belly crawlin'
through de hermit dust

I gotta watch.

(Probably,
like dem true poet 'ave.
or
like all dem poet 'ave ?)

(Probably
call we chicken ?)

(I put sting 'pon you tail ?)


Regards, Not

.

I think Eira's a Brummie, isn't she? She might be useful here.

Lia wrote: ↑

Mon May 30, 2022 3:30 pm

I think Eira's a Brummie, isn't she? She might be useful here.

Think Benjamin Zephaniah. I'd been to see him about the time I wrote this.

Ah ok, I hadn't heard of him, but I recognised creole in there. I just meant Eira might be able to help with the Brummie aspect because you said, 'When I lived in Birmingham I was familiar with the speech patterns, but it's been a long time.'

Lia