Scorpion

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 7391
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Sun May 29, 2022 12:36 pm

You chuck a cheap shot, Gav,
is dat de best you ‘ave?
I hear de same boo-hisses
when I pisses on de lav.
You say I cusp of misguided,
me say just get lost
so I shine up de lightin’
on me language torch
see you crawlin’ your belly
through de hermit dust


I gotta watch


I gotta watch


Dem is de big breaks, Gav,
like de true poets ‘ave.
I no a real poet
so me just down drag
mek a tight pack o’ stuffin’
wi’ no pregnant pause
fill de bang full o’ nuffin
but sour ‘n’ sauce.


You gotta watch


You gotta watch



You gotta watch your back
no mek your shoulders roun’,
de weight o’ de manners
toss you up and down.
Damn cheek call I chicken
when you hide in de ground,
me put a sting on your tail
you lyin’ lickle ‘ound.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
User avatar
Lia
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1459
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: southampton

Sun May 29, 2022 7:18 pm

So unusual, Ray. I didn't understand all of the slang straight away, but after another read or two, I'd cracked the code. That first S is excellent. Really like this,
so I shine up de lightin’
on me language torch
see you crawlin’ your belly
through de hermit dust
In this first S, are you able to say 'in me lav' or does the 'me' conflict with the 'me' two lines later? I ask because 'on de lav' doesn't sound accurate and it might not sound right on the ear to say 'in de lav'.

This is very good. I couldn't help laughing,

"I gotta watch


I gotta watch


Dem is de big breaks, Gav,"

The rest of S2 is very good, too, and amusing. The final S is tightly packed and tugs the reader back to the title. I had one other suggestion. It's to do with this line,

"Damn cheek call I chicken"

It's the 'I'. Me would sound too ordinary and is possibly too close to the one two lines down. But what about 'dis' as if the N gestures to themselves? Well see what you think, Ray. It's clever and well-crafted... would be something to hear you read that on a slam night!

Lia

p.s. just thought I'd come back, Ray, as I'm still thinking about 'I'. Another idea popped in my head: '...say I is chicken'
Last edited by Lia on Mon May 30, 2022 10:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5505
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Mon May 30, 2022 1:03 am

Hi Ray,

I agree, this would be a very interesting slam poem. I think the voice here is fresh and true, and the whole coheres nicely to tell a tale. My one concern is whether the tonal register is sustained throughout, which I'm not equipped to answer: I just wonder whether the N would in fact say "Damn cheek," which makes me glimpse a different speaker. Seen (or heard) from the US, that sounds rather plummy. But what do I know? :)

Cheers,
John
Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 11785
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Mon May 30, 2022 4:35 am

wi’ no pregnant pause
fill de bang full o’ nuffin
:lol: Indeed
so I shine up de lightin’
on me language torch
great phrase, I'm guessing the hermit dust are the obscure outputs of internalised, isolated poets
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 7391
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Mon May 30, 2022 11:30 am

Thanks for the comments. Now you mention it, Lia, I suppose "in de lav" sounds best. To me anyhow. Or "in me lav". I'm favouring "say I chicken" but I did have "me chicken." When I lived in Birmingham I was familiar with the speech patterns, but it's been a long time. "Damn cheek" can sound plummy, John, but depends who's saying it.
Phil, do you remember Gavin, who was something of a bewildering and disruptive presence here long ago. This was addressed to him. I miss him, though.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
jisbell00
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5505
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 4:53 am

Mon May 30, 2022 12:08 pm

Thanks, Ray - good to know!

Cheers,
John
NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 3514
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Mon May 30, 2022 12:43 pm

Hi ray,
enjoyed the read, but I not sure about the narrators voice (nor why you've chosen it.)

The use of both I and me, sounds off to me, as does the opening. I assume your aiming for West Indian, but starting with 'you', isn't ringing true. Of course, I may not be factoring in the Brummie :)

Dat one cheap shot, Gav,
rass, dat de best you 'ave?
I hear dem same boo-hisses
each time I pissin' pon I lav.
Gav, You say cusp misguided,
I say dat boy been lost
when I come shine de lightin'
pon I language torch
you down there belly crawlin'
through de hermit dust

I gotta watch.

(Probably,
like dem true poet 'ave.
or
like all dem poet 'ave ?)

(Probably
call we chicken ?)

(I put sting 'pon you tail ?)


Regards, Not

.
User avatar
Lia
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1459
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: southampton

Mon May 30, 2022 3:30 pm

I think Eira's a Brummie, isn't she? She might be useful here.
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 7391
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Mon May 30, 2022 4:08 pm

Lia wrote:
Mon May 30, 2022 3:30 pm
I think Eira's a Brummie, isn't she? She might be useful here.
Think Benjamin Zephaniah. I'd been to see him about the time I wrote this.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
User avatar
Lia
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1459
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: southampton

Mon May 30, 2022 7:57 pm

Ah ok, I hadn't heard of him, but I recognised creole in there. I just meant Eira might be able to help with the Brummie aspect because you said, 'When I lived in Birmingham I was familiar with the speech patterns, but it's been a long time.'

Lia
Post Reply