Hi Dad (rev 3 - St1 L3/4 tweaked again)

[capricorn]

Hi Dad (rev 3 tweaked)

I hope you've settled in at your new place,
the welcome mat unrolled by friendly folk.
I miss our teatime chats, your fond embrace
and even your barrage of knock-knock jokes.

Come closer - lift my loneliness awhile,
for Mam got worse and had to move today.
The Willows Nursing Home is just a mile
from here - but feels so very far away.

You say I mustn’t fret that there’s no cure
for Mam’s meandering. It’s tough to bear
but staff are all supportive and assure
she will be safe and happy in their care.

Our conversation murmurs in my head –
it is exactly what we would have said.
----------------------------------------------
St1 was:
I hope you've settled in at your new place,
the welcome mat unrolled by friendly folk.
I miss our cosy chats, your warm embrace
but most of all your shoulder-shaking jokes
then:
I miss my confidant - your jovial face -

St3, L1 was:
me she’ll be safe – soon happy in their care.





--------------------------------------------
Hi Dad, (rev 2)

I hope you've settled in at your new place
and feel quite well. I'm sure familiar folk
unrolled the welcome mat. I miss your face,
our cosy chats and shoulder-shaking jokes.

Your presence lifts my mood and helps me smile,
for Mam got worse and had to move today
to Willows Nursing Home. Though just a mile
from here - bewilderingly far away.

I know I mustn’t fret, for she’ll receive
excellent care; we knew there was no cure
for her meandering. I do believe
their vigilance will help keep her secure.

Our conversation murmurs in my head -
it is exactly what we would have said.

-------------------------------------------------
Hi Dad,

I hope you've settled in at your new place
and feel quite well. I'm sure familiar folk
rolled out the welcome mat. I miss your face,
our lengthy chats and shoulder-shaking jokes.

Your presence lifts my mood from bittersweet,
for Mam got worse and had to move today
to Willows Nursing Home. Although just streets
away, my mind’s askew, emotions frayed.

I know I mustn’t fret, for she’ll receive
excellent care; we knew there was no cure
for her meandering. I do believe
their vigilance will help keep her secure.

Our conversation murmurs in my head -
it is exactly what we would have said.

-----------------------------------
Conversations

Hi Dad,

I hope you've settled in at your new place
and feeling well. I'm sure familiar folk
rolled out their welcome mat and kissed your face.
I’ve missed our chats, chuckling at a joke.

Your presence boosts my mood tonight as I’ve
some news of Mum for she's been rushed away.
to Willows Nursing Home, just minutes’ drive
from here so I am plunged into dismay.

I know I mustn’t fret, for she’ll receive
optimum care; we knew there was no cure
for her meandering. I do believe
their vigilance will help keep her secure

Our conversation buzzes through my head,
it is exactly what we would have said.


An old poem revisited

[ray miller]

The final couplet is very good, poignant without being over-sentimental. I wonder if the title might be Hi Dad? Cuts out the rather untidy opening.

just minutes’ drive
from here so I am plunged into dismay.

It's a minor thing and maybe just me but "so" makes it appear that the dismay is a result of the nearness of the care home.
I like the use of "meandering", as opposed to something more clinical.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira.
What ray said (especially the 'so' and 'meandering'.)

Also,
some news of Mum for she's been rushed away.
I think you need a pause after 'mum'. As if you take a breath before delivering the bad news.
Minor point, does one get 'rushed away' to a nursing home? Rushing implies an emergency, whereas nursing home ... less so (something chronic rather than acute.)

Slight niggle,
chuckling at a joke.
It doesn't really say much, what sort of jokes were shared?
Not a serious offer, but ...
I’ve missed our chats, your Christmas cracker jokes.

Maybe 'lifts' for 'boosts'?

Anything better than 'buzzes'?

Regards, Not

.

[Firebird]

Hi Eira,

I agree with Ray about the final couplet - very poignant.

My only two nits are:

‘plunged into dismay’ sound a bit too telly compared with the rest of the poem.

I’m not quite sure about ‘optimum’ in s3. It seems a little to much of a change of register. This may well though just be me.

Enjoy.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Macavity]

Very understated Eira, perhaps too ordinary, though there are some nice sonics like chat/chuckling (like the quiet sharing implied there). plunged into dismay is an off the shelf fit and doesn't convey the emotion. Ending the line on I've feels a forced rhyme.

Hope that helps some

Phil

[capricorn]

The final couplet is very good, poignant without being over-sentimental. I wonder if the title might be Hi Dad? Cuts out the rather untidy opening.
I have been thinking that Ray -just needed a kick in the right direction
just minutes’ drive
from here so I am plunged into dismay.

It's a minor thing and maybe just me but "so" makes it appear that the dismay is a result of the nearness of the care home.
Made the change
I like the use of "meandering", as opposed to something more clinical.

Thanks Ray

Eira

[capricorn]

Hi Eira.
What ray said (especially the 'so' and 'meandering'.)

Also,
some news of Mum for she's been rushed away.
I think you need a pause after 'mum'. As if you take a breath before delivering the bad news.
Minor point, does one get 'rushed away' to a nursing home? Rushing implies an emergency, whereas nursing home ... less so (something chronic rather than acute.)

Have changed that section

Slight niggle,
chuckling at a joke.
It doesn't really say much, what sort of jokes were shared?
Not a serious offer, but ...
I’ve missed our chats, your Christmas cracker jokes.

Maybe 'lifts' for 'boosts'?
Definitely
Anything better than 'buzzes'?

Regards, Not

.Have made a few changes in revision
Thanks Not

Eira

[capricorn]

Hi Eira,

I agree with Ray about the final couplet - very poignant.

My only two nits are:

‘plunged into dismay’ sound a bit too telly compared with the rest of the poem.

I’m not quite sure about ‘optimum’ in s3. It seems a little to much of a change of register. This may well though just be me.

Enjoy.

Thanks Tristan, some changes made. I have been wondering about optimum.

Eira

Cheers,

Tristan

[capricorn]

Very understated Eira, perhaps too ordinary, though there are some nice sonics like chat/chuckling (like the quiet sharing implied there). plunged into dismay is an off the shelf fit and doesn't convey the emotion. Ending the line on I've feels a forced rhyme.

Hope that helps some

Phil

Thanks Phil, I've written a revision with your thoughts in mind.

Eira

[Lia]

A lovely sonnet, Eira.

I didn't quite understand until I reached the last couplet and then I thought "Oh" and dashed back to the beginning to read it all again. It's subtle and nicely crafted. Moving, too. I just had one or two thoughts for you. In the first stanza you say,

"I hope you've settled in at your new place
and feel quite well. I'm sure familiar folk
rolled out their welcome mat. I miss your face,
our lengthy chats and shoulder shaking jokes."

Would you consider the welcome mat? Also, I think it should be 'shoulder-shaking'. My last thought was to do with punctuation in the final couplet,

"Our conversation murmurs in my head,
it is exactly what we would have said."

It feels like there should either be a full-stop after 'head' or an em dash, but see what you think.

Very much enjoyed,

Lia

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira,
Oddly, I'm less sold on this today than yesterday, and I'm not sure that words like 'bittersweet' are working (especially with askew and frayed).
It's the flow of it, I think, and too many parts feels rhyme driven (or should that be led?) But the potential!

I hope you've settled in at your new place
and feeling well.
This doesn't really work (as a sentence. Surely it would normally be 'and feel well?)
I'm sure familiar folk
Perhaps 'some friendly folk'?
rolled out their welcome mat and kissed your face.
As Lia says, 'the' for 'their'. 'Kissed your face' is a bit of an odd one, but OK.
I’ve missed our chats, chuckling at a joke.
I still don't think this works well. The last part doesn't feel as conversational as the rest.

By way of a push ...

I hope you've settled in at your new place.
I hope you're well. I hope some friendly folk
unrolled the welcome mat. And kissed your face.
I'm sure you seized the moment, told a joke.

Tell me one now, Dad, for I could use a smile.
It finally happened, Mam went today
to Willows Nursing Home (barely a mile
from here, and yet so very far away,)


Regards, Not

.

[capricorn]

A lovely sonnet, Eira.

Glad you think so

I didn't quite understand until I reached the last couplet and then I thought "Oh" and dashed back to the beginning to read it all again. It's subtle and nicely crafted. Moving, too. I just had one or two thoughts for you. In the first stanza you say,

"I hope you've settled in at your new place
and feel quite well. I'm sure familiar folk
rolled out their welcome mat. I miss your face,
our lengthy chats and shoulder shaking jokes."

Would you consider the welcome mat? Also, I think it should be 'shoulder-shaking'.

Yes! that would be better
My last thought was to do with punctuation in the final couplet,

"Our conversation murmurs in my head,
it is exactly what we would have said."

It feels like there should either be a full-stop after 'head' or an em dash, but see what you think.
You're right, perhaps an em dash - I'll make the changes now.

Very much enjoyed,
So pleased - I always wonder when I write a revision whether my changes are for the better. (Hope you read the original too)
Eira

Lia

[capricorn]

Hi Eira,
Oddly, I'm less sold on this today than yesterday, and I'm not sure that words like 'bittersweet' are working (especially with askew and frayed).
Sorry to hear that, Not. Phil said this was a bit ordinary, so I felt I'd add a bit more emotion. Can't please everyone!
It's the flow of it, I think, and too many parts feels rhyme driven (or should that be led?) But the potential!

I hope you've settled in at your new place
and feeling well.
This doesn't really work (as a sentence. Surely it would normally be 'and feel well?)
I'm sure familiar folk
Perhaps 'some friendly folk'?
rolled out their welcome mat and kissed your face.
As Lia says, 'the' for 'their'. 'Kissed your face' is a bit of an odd one, but OK.
I’ve missed our chats, chuckling at a joke.
I still don't think this works well. The last part doesn't feel as conversational as the rest.

You're looking at the original version, Not. My revision reads 'and feel quite well' , ' I miss your face' and 'your shoulder-shaking jokes' (your suggestion was to tell what sort of jokes)

By way of a push ...

I hope you've settled in at your new place.
I hope you're well. I hope some friendly folk
unrolled the welcome mat. And kissed your face.
I'm sure you seized the moment, told a joke.

Too many 'I hope's here for me Not

Tell me one now, Dad, for I could use a smile.
It finally happened, Mam went today
to Willows Nursing Home (barely a mile
from here, and yet so very far away,)

I can see 'mile' and 'smile' do work well, but I need to choose my own words. I'll give it some thought.

Thanks Eira


Regards, Not

.

[capricorn]

Revision 2

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira,
the revision's an improvement, I think, but ...

The 'and feel quite well' after the opening line seems like an interruption to the thought about the new place and the welcome mat. Do you really need it?

An alternative might be along the lines of

I hope you've settled in at your new place
and some kind soul's unrolled the welcome mat.
(I miss the shoulder-shaking jokes, your face
worryingly red ... )
?

bewilderingly - is this N, or the mother, or both?

But it's the third verse, that cure/secure rhyme.

I know I mustn’t fret, but Dad, it's hard.
We always knew there was no cure, for her
meandering, ...


Regards, Not

.

[Lia]

Hello Eira,

I've popped back to see how the poem is doing and wonder if 'tonight' might be fundamental to the conversation the narrator is having with their dad. I had an idea for that but don't want to overwhelm you with different viewpoints so please just see it as a possibility and ignore it if it doesn't work for you. It draws on words from your other versions and also the tone of the conversation,

Your presence helps to lift my mood tonight
as Mam got worse and left this afternoon
for Willows Nursing Home. Though it was right,
and she's not far, I'm sad it was so soon.

I also wondered about the first two lines in S3. To enhance the 'conversation' and the voice,

You'd say I mustn’t fret, for she’ll receive
the best of care; we knew there was no cure

See what you think, Eira. It might be too much of a change, so please throw it in the bin if it doesn't inspire.

Lia

[capricorn]

Hi Eira, Hi Not
the revision's an improvement, I think, but ...

The 'and feel quite well' after the opening line seems like an interruption to the thought about the new place and the welcome mat. Do you really need it?

I see what you mean - have revised this stanza

An alternative might be along the lines of

I hope you've settled in at your new place
and some kind soul's unrolled the welcome mat.
(I miss the shoulder-shaking jokes, your face
worryingly red ... )
?

bewilderingly - is this N, or the mother, or both?

Originally it was N, but I felt it could be interpreted as both. Anyway I've changed that line.

But it's the third verse, that cure/secure rhyme.

I know I mustn’t fret, but Dad, it's hard.
We always knew there was no cure, for her
meandering, ...

Have rewritten this stanza too

Eira


Regards, Not

.

[capricorn]

Hello Eira,

I've popped back to see how the poem is doing and wonder if 'tonight' might be fundamental to the conversation the narrator is having with their dad. I had an idea for that but don't want to overwhelm you with different viewpoints so please just see it as a possibility and ignore it if it doesn't work for you. It draws on words from your other versions and also the tone of the conversation,

Hi Lia,

You got me thinking here about 'tonight' and I realised that it isn't fundamental to the conversation after all. The important thing is - you got me thinking and I have rewritten that stanza, hopefully for the better.

Your presence helps to lift my mood tonight
as Mam got worse and left this afternoon
for Willows Nursing Home. Though it was right,
and she's not far, I'm sad it was so soon.

I also wondered about the first two lines in S3. To enhance the 'conversation' and the voice,

You'd say I mustn’t fret, for she’ll receive
the best of care; we knew there was no cure

Thanks Lia - I have gone with your suggestion.
Eira

See what you think, Eira. It might be too much of a change, so please throw it in the bin if it doesn't inspire.

Lia

[Lia]

"Come closer - lift my loneliness awhile,"

This is such a beautiful line, Eira. The beckoning not only enhances the conversation, but it has the added effect of drawing the reader in.

In S2, could the first 'away' be 'today' instead? I don't think you need the comma before 'is just a mile'. But I like the tone in the revision very much. It's more consistent throughout.

Glad you found something useful in my waffle!

Lia

[capricorn]

"Come closer - lift my loneliness awhile,"

This is such a beautiful line, Eira. The beckoning not only enhances the conversation, but it has the added effect of drawing the reader in.

Thanks Lia, that's just what I was hoping.

In S2, could the first 'away' be 'today' instead? I don't think you need the comma before 'is just a mile'. But I like the tone in the revision very much. It's more consistent throughout.

Oops! good catch Lia, how did I miss that? Changes made.

Glad you found something useful in my waffle!

All good waffle, Lia.

Eira

Lia

[NotQuiteSure]

,
Hi Eira,
leaps and veritable bounds!

Lia's already picked out S2/L1, but really the whole piece has gone up another rung, or two.
I still think there's something better than (the simply descriptive) 'shoulder-shaking'
(but most of all your almost risqué jokes
but most of all your awful antique jokes
but most of all your 'did I tell you' jokes
and even all your awful jokes
...)
'cosy chats' and 'warm embrace' are, for want of a term, rather generic - which is fine, but I just think you need something novel/specific in here somewhere and the obvious place is 'shoulder-shaking'.

Not sure about those two 'fors' in S4 (L1-2)
also
me she’ll be safe – soon happy in their care.

she will be safe and happy in their care.
(sounds a bit more like N is trying to convince themselves of this.)

Good stuff, Eira.

Regards, Not

.

[Firebird]

Just to let you know Eira, I love the latest version too.

Really enjoyed.

Cheers,

Tristan

[capricorn]

,
Hi Eira,
leaps and veritable bounds!
Praise indeed from you, Not

Lia's already picked out S2/L1, but really the whole piece has gone up another rung, or two.
I still think there's something better than (the simply descriptive) 'shoulder-shaking'
(but most of all your almost risqué jokes
but most of all your awful antique jokes
but most of all your 'did I tell you' jokes
and even all your awful jokes
...)
'cosy chats' and 'warm embrace' are, for want of a term, rather generic - which is fine, but I just think you need something novel/specific in here somewhere and the obvious place is 'shoulder-shaking'.

I felt that 'cosy chats' and 'warm embrace' were a bit overused and have changed all 2 lines. Hope it's not too much.

Not sure about those two 'fors' in S4 (L1-2)

Good catch, hadn't noticed. Have changed the first to 'as'
also
me she’ll be safe – soon happy in their care.

she will be safe and happy in their care.
(sounds a bit more like N is trying to convince themselves of this.)

Yes, I can see that now

Good stuff, Eira.
Thanks Not
Eira

Regards, Not

.

[capricorn]

Just to let you know Eira, I love the latest version too.

Really enjoyed.

Cheers,

Tristan

Thanks for calling back again, Tristan. So pleased this works well for you.
Eira

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira,
I think 'tight embrace' leads in the wrong direction.

I miss our heart-to-heart's, watching your face
as you wind up another knock-knock joke.

Not a hundred percent on the 'as' (but this could just be me), wondered about 'that 'there's ...' ?

Millimetres, Eira, millimetres!

Regards, Not

.