Underworld

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 7391
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Mon Apr 25, 2022 3:53 pm

We’re in a beer garden
a few days after
The Big Chill has finished
and Zoe’s friend, Zak,
(they’re always called Zak)
is voicing disbelief,
in that histrionic fashion
Zaks feel is requisite,
that I’d chosen to listen
to Leonard Cohen
when on the other stage
I could’ve got into Underworld.

Underworld - electronic dance,
video game music,
inconsequential lyrics,
sounds that beckon entrance
to Artificial Intelligence.
Zak would have loved it
if he’d had a ticket
whereas I’d rather suffer
with a slit your wrists depressive.
He just didn’t get it.

And I remember Leonard Cohen
saying how he intended
to recommence smoking
on his eightieth birthday,
and I recall how my father,
his voice a hoarse whisper
from the squeeze of emphysema,
told me if he could foresee
the day that he would die,
he’d start smoking again on that day.
And I think to myself
if I knew the day
I’d be sure to murder Zak
so together we'd get into
the Underworld.
Last edited by ray miller on Wed Apr 27, 2022 9:24 am, edited 2 times in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 3514
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Mon Apr 25, 2022 5:16 pm

Hi ray.
The 'squeeze of emphysema' is a real gem.
(If that's Artificial Intelligence, it's had a lobotomy.)

Perhaps a space between the first Underworld and the second? Seems to me one would take a deep breath before launching into the second part.

Lines 7-9, that, that, that (a bit much, that?)

Lines 31-5 - quite a few days and dies. (You might consider cutting L35 entirely.)

I don't think you've quite nailed the ending. The idea's great, but the phrasing, 'to take him with me to see' hits a hollow note, for me (it might be the 'see'). It seems more whimper rather than bang.
Is there any way to end on 'murder Zak' (which is funny, while 'Underworld' feels 'clever' - no offence :) )

Regards, Not

.
User avatar
Lia
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1459
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: southampton

Tue Apr 26, 2022 3:09 pm

Hello Ray, I enjoy the relaxed voice and loose rhyme all the way through this, and the repeats. Hold on, I'll put the poem here...
We’re in a beer garden
a few days after
The Big Chill has finished ...maybe finishes?
and Zoe’s friend, Zak,
(they’re always called Zak) ...they are!
is voicing disbelief,
in that histrionic fashion
that Zaks feel requisite, ...wondering about punc. or italics here. See what you think
that I’d chosen to listen
to Leonard Cohen
when on the other stage
I could’ve got into Underworld.
Underworld - electronic dance,
video game music,
inconsequential lyrics,
sounds that beckon entrance
to Artificial Intelligence. ... I like the easy rhyme of these last few lines
Zak would have loved it
if he’d had a ticket
whereas I’d rather suffer
the slit your wrists depressive.
He just didn’t get it. .... and here, too
And I remember Leonard Cohen
saying how he intended
to recommence smoking
on his eightieth birthday,
and I recall how my father,
his voice a hoarse whisper
from the squeeze of emphysema,
told me if he could foresee
the day that he would die,
he’d start smoking again on that day. ... the mood shift is very well done
And I think to myself
if I knew the day
I was going to die
I’d be sure to murder Zak
and take him with me
to see the Underworld. ... brilliant close to the poem.
You maintain the tone throughout and make it look easy, Ray. A smashing poem. I remember 'Born Slippy' in the 90s, but that's about it I think.

Lia
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 7391
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Wed Apr 27, 2022 9:17 am

Thanks both. I've acted on most of your suggestions, Not. I agree about the days and dies towards the end, but still thinking about that.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
User avatar
Lia
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1459
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: southampton

Wed Apr 27, 2022 9:02 pm

It looks good, Ray. I like the stanza breaks and the ending is better for the revision. Would you consider,

And I think to myself
if I knew the day
I’d be sure to murder Zak
and together we'd get into
the Underworld.

?

I had another thought since I wrote this, which was more subtle. But ignore it if it doesn't suit you,

if I knew the day
I'd be sure to take Zak with me
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 7391
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Fri Apr 29, 2022 7:59 am

Thanks, Lia. I think I need to mention murder otherwise it might be seen as just a day trip.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
User avatar
Lia
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1459
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: southampton

Sat Apr 30, 2022 10:28 am

Haha that's true, Ray. It was just a subtle alternative.
Post Reply