Silent Sands

[camus]

There is a point, marked with a red snapped spade
(for we dug like demons) a point where frivolous din

ferments; rendering silent the yapping kids and laughing
dogs, a point where a seagull’s screech can deafen.

It’s beyond the lug-holed vestiges, the seaweed-strewn
remnants. It’s beyond the Sally Mae; the barnacled boat

come ship come stranded dream.

It’s in a place between life and a tragic death you’d read
about in a local rag:

“Father and son drowned whilst digging for China”

It’s a point of reluctant return. From there, the factories
are cloud makers, the roof-tops; snowy mountain peaks.

It’s a place to revisit, with a sturdier spade.

[Lia]

I want to read it a few more times (in the daylight) before commenting, but blimey, Kris. What a poem it is.

Lia

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Kris,
good stuff. Just a couple of very small niggles.

50/50 on 'by a red' vs 'with a red', but either way, surely 'snapped' should precede 'red'?

'seaweed-strewn' is the weakest point for me, too predictable.

Wondered if that comma in the last line should be a period (I just felt the pause was longer than the comma suggests.)

Regards, Not

.

[Macavity]

Opportunity for bladderwrack rather than sea strewn...another plosive? Though not in original meaning.

Good stuff

Phil

[camus]

Lia,

I want to read it a few more times (in the daylight)

Please do, I'd like to know your thoughts.

Not,

50/50 on 'by a red' vs 'with a red', but either way, surely 'snapped' should precede 'red'?

Both good points. 'Snapped' preceding 'red' is a good spot and a definite change, I'll have a ponder on the by or with?

'seaweed-strewn' is the weakest point for me, too predictable.

Perhaps predictable, but wholly true and i do like how it sounds. I'll have a think though.

Mac,

bladderwrack

An interesting possibility! Although perhaps too guttural? Again I'll have a ponder.

Thanks all.
Kris

[Lia]

Kris, I think I'd like to read the book this poem would belong to.

It's been a busy day, too busy, but I had the chance to read it a few times at lunch and jot down some thoughts. I toyed with some suggestions but found myself arguing against them on behalf of your poem. I couldn't even manage a new line-break.

I had the same thought as Not about the last line. But other than that, I wouldn't touch a thing. It's measured throughout, easy-going in fact, and handled with a light touch. I enjoy the repeats with 'point' and 'beyond,' and how these let the narrator explore and stack thoughts and details until the scene comes into focus. I could see all of it. Look at this,

It’s beyond the lug-holed vestiges, the seaweed-strewn
remnants. It’s beyond the Sally Mae; the barnacled boat

come ship come stranded dream.

Beautiful, isn't it.

I enjoy the play with language, too. The spade and the demons. The 'yapping' and 'laughing' swap. The rag and possible headline, the cloud makers. It's lovely to watch all of these mechanisms at play. You've made it look easy when it isn't.

Lia

[ray miller]

The title is a bit boys adventure comic but I like the poem very much.

It’s a point of reluctant return. From there, the factories
are cloud makers, the roof-tops; snowy mountain peaks.

Best part I thought, though I think a comma after "tops" rather than semicolon.