The sky is bruising

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camus
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Sat Feb 19, 2022 1:36 am

It is yellowing and purple is abound
such wonderful violence above us

and below too

She found her voice in the things
she couldn’t say
like ‘I love you’ or ‘help me’ those typical
flourishings
of a writer gone wrong
on the poetical highway

She fancied putting a gun to her head
pulling the trigger
painting the drab walls
blood red
leaving something
worth talking about
instead

something fresh and new
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Macavity
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Sat Feb 19, 2022 8:12 pm

Different Kris. That quest for new and fresh...the staleness nudges us on.
ray miller
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Sun Feb 20, 2022 12:23 pm

I know that feeling.
purple is abound. flourishing's - this deliberate or you just drunk?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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camus
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Fri Mar 04, 2022 1:00 am

That quest for new and fresh...the staleness nudges us on.
Thanks Mac, It does indeed!
flourishing's - this deliberate or you just drunk?
Yeah, totally arseholed, it is amended.

Cheers
Kris
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littlebirdsaved
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Wed Mar 09, 2022 5:16 pm

Interesting poem. Even though in general I like directness, putting a gun to her head sounded a bit too much for me, especially in poetry. But then again, it's just my own personal issue.

I loved "she found her voice...". These lines really spoke to me. Thank you.
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camus
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Fri Mar 11, 2022 6:56 pm

Hey littlebirdsaved,

I'm glad those lines reached you. Appreciated.

Regarding the harsher side of the poem. More people than you'd think ponder suicide (or at least the idea of it) on a daily basis, it's almost a casual, throw-away thought. But it's there. I just wanted to alight that thought!

Cheers
Kris
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Lia
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Mon Mar 14, 2022 9:18 pm

Hello to you, Kris. Your last line makes the poem even more unsettling.

I enjoy the contrast very much between the descriptive language at the beginning and then, when you hone in on the personal, the direct/hard language of the rest. The two explain each other... you could even bring the sky back in with sunset red, or something along those lines. I had another thought about the possibility of removing above us from the 2nd line and then too from the 3rd line. The reason is that both are already implied. Here's an example of what I mean:

The sky is bruising

It is yellowing and purple is abound
such wonderful violence

and below

She found her voice in the things
she couldn’t say

Well, see what you think. I find myself wanting a different word for 'drab'... like weary or something. Stale? I'm not sure. But regardless, it's certainly an uncomfortable and well-written poem!
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