Didi

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CalebPerry
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Fri Nov 19, 2021 10:53 pm

(version 1)

Didi

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, though you know
how much I tried — those visits on the weekends.
Who was this girl from the family’s other side?

I was too far from your age to understand you.
My teenaged years had been a blur. Not sure
how to be a brother or a friend, I couldn’t
give you the sense of family you deserved.

But we shared the same dad. I knew how skillful
an invader he could be, an obfuscator.
He could pull a child out of her skin and make
her question who she was, turn her childish joy
to scrambled eggs. By then, the harm was done.
Your mother was the same: two determined
narcissists, rapists by another name.

You couldn’t live in a world that didn’t
love you, disillusioned you. I knew how,
but couldn’t find the right words to convey.
The truth is that the world loves very few.

You tried to fly and discovered that you couldn’t.
Your broken frame looked awkward in the box;
eyes closed, too late to show you how to live;
ears closed, too late to say it won’t take long;
too late to tell you “this will pass” “be strong”.

You never grew up; I grew up too late to save you.

~end~

This isn't exactly a first draft, but it's the first draft that I'm happy with.

I owe this poem to Capricorn. His poem about visiting Jason in the hospital was a direct inspiration for this poem, because I visited my half-sister Didi in the mental hospital many times. Thank you, Eira.
Last edited by CalebPerry on Fri Nov 26, 2021 3:03 am, edited 20 times in total.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Macavity
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Sat Nov 20, 2021 3:14 pm

turn her childish joy
to scrambled eggs.
Excellent imagery.

It is an intense, raw poem Caleb.

Larkin's poem comes to mind:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... -the-verse

best

Phil
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CalebPerry
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Sat Nov 20, 2021 9:22 pm

Thanks for your comment. My task now is just to make the language a little smoother.

I like that Larkin poem. I'm going to save it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
littlebirdsaved
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Thu Nov 25, 2021 3:03 pm

I love raw, prose-like poetry like yours. I hate lofty langage. Your poem really hit me hard. Thank you.
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CalebPerry
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Fri Nov 26, 2021 2:59 am

Thank you, Little, I'm grateful for your comment.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
ray miller
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Mon Nov 29, 2021 2:29 pm

Good poem. I wonder how necessary the first stanza is. I feel it would be a stronger start without it.

You couldn’t live in a world that didn’t
love you, disillusioned you. I knew how,
but couldn’t find the right words to convey.
The truth is that the world loves very few. - again, the last line feels pretty inconsequential.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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CalebPerry
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Mon Nov 29, 2021 8:42 pm

Thank you for your thoughts, Ray.

No one else suggested those changes, which makes me think they didn't (or might not) agree. Eliminating the first stanza feels like walking into the story in the middle of it. The other line you'd have me eliminate is more personal, something I should have said to Didi but didn't (to the best of my memory). In retrospect, my feeling was that Didi expected too much from the world, whereas a person needs to compromise with it in order to survive. I'm also a poet who likes to state conclusions outright instead of letting them go unspoken.

However, I'll keep your suggestions in mind whenever I focus on the poem. (I'm still in that period when I am reading the poem a lot looking for ways to improve it.)
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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