When Poetry Leaves You

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
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camus
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Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:29 am

You’ll be in a wood full of
miserable little pensioners
awaiting the waterfall
shuffling like Saigon into
Ho Chi Minh
seamlessly-unrecognising
mostly anything
And there will be no
last hurrahs no bursting of
bras no jiggling
Nothing launched up
into the sunset or the moon
for your voice is dead and gone
Ifyoueverreallyhadone.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
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CalebPerry
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Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:46 am

I like this. If you are a poet, and your poetry leaves you, your purpose is over. Your poem conveys that very well. I'm living the pensioners' life now, and if my poetry weren't alive, I'd be a mess waiting for the end. I like the way you've pushed all the words together in the last line.

Well done. A very visceral poem.
camus wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:29 am
You’ll be in a wood full of
miserable little pensioners
awaiting the waterfall
shuffling like Saigon into
Ho Chi Minh
seamlessly-unrecognising
mostly anything
And there will be no
last hurrahs no bursting of
bras no jiggling
Nothing launched up
into the sunset or the moon
for your voice is dead and gone
Ifyoueverreallyhadone.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Macavity
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Thu Nov 18, 2021 2:29 pm

camus wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:29 am
You’ll be in a wood full of
miserable little pensioners
awaiting the waterfall
shuffling like Saigon into
Ho Chi Minh
seamlessly-unrecognising
mostly anything
And there will be no
last hurrahs no bursting of
bras no jiggling
Nothing launched up
into the sunset or the moon
for your voice is dead and gone
Ifyoueverreallyhadone.
Entertaining. Like the pile up ending and hurrah/bra.
littlebirdsaved
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Thu Nov 25, 2021 3:04 pm

I really like the last line. Made the whole poem super entertaining. I also liked the title
ray miller
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Mon Nov 29, 2021 2:32 pm

You've still got it, Kris.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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camus
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Sun Dec 05, 2021 1:37 am

Thanks all

Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
David
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Sat Jan 15, 2022 5:23 pm

ray miller wrote:
Mon Nov 29, 2021 2:32 pm
You've still got it, Kris.
Twitcher alert: rare visitor in the undergrowth.

I agree with Ray.
David
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Sat Jan 15, 2022 5:25 pm

Good grief, I'm not still a moderator, am I? I'd better turn in my badge. I'm keeping my gun.
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Leaf
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Sun Jan 16, 2022 12:12 pm

It's David!

Fliss and Word-Bird wave excitedly together (^v^)

Cool poem, Kris. I particularly like the exuberant 'bursting of bras' :)

Best wishes,
Fliss
David
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Tue Jan 18, 2022 7:32 pm

Hi Fliss. Just a fleeting visit for now. Good to see Kris is still producing the good stuff.

David
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