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This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
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Leaf
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Sat Oct 16, 2021 9:19 am

This is another Forest of Dean Sculpture Trail poem, in which I attempt to channel the thoughts of sculptor Magdalena Jetelova. Her sculpture is here, https://www.flickr.com/photos/54698905@N05/17823116708


Why do we humans bow to godly rule,
constructing grand designs to please a name,
esteeming faith as brandishing a tool
for planting every view within one frame?

Who knows what giants birthed throughout these hills:
the starbirds waltzing gaily in the trees,
those multicoloured fish of wailing gills,
the chanting herd that walked upon its knees?

If gods are borne in objects made by Man,
then each of us may sculpt a making myth,
select our own Creator, draw a plan,
enlist the skills of one good hammersmith.

Then fix upon a high commanding space
and draw vast crowds to marvel at a place.
Macavity
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Sat Oct 16, 2021 4:34 pm

Hi Fliss,
I found your poem very pleasing to read aloud. Relaxing. I like your notion of making myth and your choice of borne .The myth/hammersmith was s fun rhyme. I did struggle to visualise S2, but that could be me.

best

Phil
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Firebird
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Sat Oct 16, 2021 6:50 pm

Hi Fliss,

I’m no expert on rhyming metered verse (or sonnets), but it seems to me that most of your poem is contained in the final two stanzas, which are excellent, and that this poem would work really well without the first two stanzas.
Leaf wrote:
Sat Oct 16, 2021 9:19 am

If gods are borne in objects made by Man,
then each of us may sculpt a making myth,
select our own Creator, draw a plan,
enlist the skills of one good hammersmith.

Then fix upon a high commanding space
and draw vast crowds to marvel at a place.
This works well with the picture of the sculpture or on its own.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
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Leaf
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Sun Oct 17, 2021 10:51 am

Macavity wrote:
Sat Oct 16, 2021 4:34 pm
Hi Fliss,
I found your poem very pleasing to read aloud. Relaxing. I like your notion of making myth and your choice of borne .The myth/hammersmith was s fun rhyme. I did struggle to visualise S2, but that could be me.

best

Phil
Thanks, Phil! Happy you enjoyed it, incl. that rhyme. With S2, this is just a bunch of stuff that popped up in my head while I was thinking about what else could be invented. I went a bit surreal with it to show what can be done with the imagination. There's potential for illustration with this collection, which might help with the visualisation :)

Best wishes,
Fliss
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Leaf
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Sun Oct 17, 2021 10:52 am

Firebird wrote:
Sat Oct 16, 2021 6:50 pm
Hi Fliss,

I’m no expert on rhyming metered verse (or sonnets), but it seems to me that most of your poem is contained in the final two stanzas, which are excellent, and that this poem would work really well without the first two stanzas.
Leaf wrote:
Sat Oct 16, 2021 9:19 am

If gods are borne in objects made by Man,
then each of us may sculpt a making myth,
select our own Creator, draw a plan,
enlist the skills of one good hammersmith.

Then fix upon a high commanding space
and draw vast crowds to marvel at a place.
This works well with the picture of the sculpture or on its own.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
Hi Tristan,

Thanks for your comment! I think the main thrust of Magdalena Jetelova's argument is contained in the sestet, but I wanted to go a bit crazy and surreal with this one, hence S2 in particular. Within the series, the poem is a kind of twin to 'Cathedral', in terms of form and theme. Hope that makes sense?

Best wishes,
Fliss
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CalebPerry
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Mon Oct 18, 2021 6:18 pm

Wow, this is a fabulous poem in every respect. Clear, to the point, beautifully rhymed. It's a real treasure.

I'm not with Tristan insofar as cutting it down is concerned. Good endings require good beginnings -- just giving us the ending isn't enough.

If I have any criticism at all -- and this is meant as a mild criticism -- is that there isn't much of a personal angle in the poem. But some poems aren't meant to be personal, but rather broad in their scope, and that's what you are doing here.

I love the last four lines of the poem, and the myth/hammersmith rhyme, and your focus on religion as being place-oriented (at the end). I wish I could summarize an issue as tidily as you are able to do.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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Leaf
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Mon Oct 18, 2021 8:34 pm

Hi Caleb,

Thank you! I'm happy you enjoyed it, all of it. Thanks also for the mild crit. I agree that there isn't much of a personal angle here. What I'm doing with all these sculptures is presenting the sculptors' thoughts rather than my own. There's probably scope for a more personal take too, though. I've visited the Sculpture Trail a few times and interpreted the pieces for myself. Unfortunately this one had to be taken down a few years ago due to deterioration, but I remember it pretty well.

Thanks for appreciating myth/hammersmith too! Magdalena Jetelova's thinking does resonate with me, so it was one of the easier poems to write of the series.

Best wishes,
Fliss
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CalebPerry
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Sat Oct 23, 2021 12:28 am

Do you know what I did? I just ignored your comments above the poem. I didn't realize that the poem's voice was the sculptor's voice. In future, I need to be more careful.

I gather that wooden structure is the sculpture you wrote about.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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Leaf
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Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:39 am

No worries, Caleb; thanks for your comment :)
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