The Red Kite

[camus]

Hangs in the air like a corrupt angel
each point an incandescent
axis of symmetry
and it - waiting to fall from grace
unmoored, detached but resolute
in its stillness - drops from the sky
like a cherry bomb,
ushering the briefest whisper
across arable land
as hedgerows and wheat fields
shake and shimmer
and all is busy in terror and tyranny
until finally
it rises, a live thing in its
trap of claws, soon limp
soon dead
and I can only but admire it
its shadow, vehement
across the setting sun.

[CalebPerry]

I'm glad to see you posting a poem.

I really like this. The analogy between a red kite and a corrupt angel is very interesting, and you manage to draw that analogy out through the entire poem.

I see on flaw in the poem. You have the kite suddenly dropping like a cherry bomb, but cherry bombs don't hover in the air and then dive. Then later you have it rising from the ground with something dead in its claws.

Since you end up comparing the kite to a bird of prey, why not just substitute the words "cherry bomb" with "diving hawk"? It seems to me the poem would make more sense that way.

Hangs in the air like a corrupt angel,
each point an incandescent
axis of symmetry, waiting to fall
from grace unmoored, detached
but resolute in its stillness.
Then it drops from the sky
like a diving hawk, ushering
the briefest whisper across
arable land as hedgerows
and wheat fields shake and shimmer,
and all is busy in terror and tyranny,
until finally it rises, a live thing
in its trap of claws, limp,
soon dead, and I can only but admire
it its shadow, vehement
across the setting sun.

Rewriting is obnoxious, but I didn't rewrite much of it, so I'll let it stand. Something along those lines constitute my suggestions. (Being the obsessive person that I am, I tried to smooth out the line lengths, but you should ignore that.)

[pomespennyeach]

All I can say is this is a pretty stunning poem. I am swept away by it each time I read it. I wouldn't change a word.

[Macavity]

Hangs in the air like a corrupt angel
each point an incandescent
axis of symmetry

Nice visual. The briefest whisper is a great summation. The 'cherry bomb' is for another poem.

in its stillness - drops from the sky
ushering the briefest whisper
across arable land
as hedgerows and wheat fields

I don't think you need a simile there.

best

mac

[Firebird]

Hi Kris,

I think the analogy works well and I like it. However, some of the language is a little worn and/or imprecise I think. Specific comments below.

Hangs in the air like a corrupt angel
each point an incandescent
axis of symmetry (these two lines don’t really make sense for me. How can each point of the bird be an ‘axis of symmetry’? Maybe with poetic license you can get away with this, but it doesn’t really work for me. I like the allusion here though to Blake’s The Tyger)
and it - waiting to fall from grace (this is a little cliched. And I don’t think it’s needed to assisted an analogy that is already set up and clear)
unmoored, detached but resolute
in its stillness - drops from the sky
like a cherry bomb, (I agree with Mac about the cherry bomb)
ushering the briefest whisper (lovely line)
across arable land
as hedgerows and wheat fields
shake and shimmer (Not sure what these two lines offer, and ‘shake and shimmer’ is worn language and a little tautological.)
and all is busy in terror and tyranny (I like this line)
until finally
it rises, a live thing in its
trap of claws, soon limp
soon dead
and I can only but admire it
its shadow, vehement
across the setting sun.

Only a suggestion:

Hangs in the air like a corrupt angel -
each point making up
an incandescent symmetry.

It dives
ushering
the briefest whisper
across wheat fields and hedgerows
and all is busy in terror and tyranny
until
it rises, a living creature
in its talons
soon limp
and I can only but admire.




I hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

[camus]

Thanks guys, some great input.

Caleb,

Seems there is a confusion with the title and indeed a suspected analogy. "The Red Kite" is in fact a bird of prey, becoming more localised in my area, but was still a wonderful surprise to see.

The "cherry bomb" certainly needs addressing and I agree the structure might benefit from a tidy!

PPE,

Thank you, appreciated.

Mac,

The 'cherry bomb' is for another poem.

Agreed, I will have a re-think.

Tristan

these two lines don’t really make sense for me

Yes I think my very limited maths went a bit awry there! It made sense at the time. I'll dig my protractor out.

waiting to fall from grace

Agreed, a cliche indeed.

as hedgerows and wheat fields
shake and shimmer

I was attempting to get across (perhaps somewhat awkwardly) the awe and fear The Red Kite instils, I'll maybe have a rethink.

Cheers
Kris

[CalebPerry]

Kris, are you actually saying that there is a bird in your area called "the red kite"? You are not using the kite for a metaphor of a predatory bird? Is it a specific bird that has been named the Red Kite, or is that the name for a species I never heard of?

[camus]

For sure.

[CalebPerry]

You're right. I looked it up. Kites are a kind of predatory bird of the hawk family.

This is stirring up a memory of having heard that once, but I think the memory is sixty years old at least. In all those years of watching documentaries about birds, they never once used the word "kite". But now I have a vague memory of hearing a bird referred to as a "kite" when I was very young.

Sorry for being so ignorant.