Four Decades & Two Poems About Mary

[pomespennyeach]

1. 1977

The wind wooden chimed, webs of shadow wound round
the light in this room. The haunting hollowness
of her sad bright apparition carried on south by the breeze.

Out of night I touch this end: the barking of dogs
between the gusts of the dark outside, lost night clouds
and the curved earthen light of the moon,
darkness visibly hardening.

I sit wooden in my room, a figure for laughter.
I want someone to woo and coo. I remember: Mary,
the shape of a dream for my thoughts to fill,
overflow: misbegotten hunchback love.

Golden girl with cruel cheekbones and sea change eyes
I grind out your presence, a rheumy eyed lapidary
at work on his finest stone never to see the perfect light
of my finished work.

2. The Claw Footed Bath Tub

A shower with Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap
in a claw footed bath tub, you giggled and said
“Now it’s your turn for the Garden of Eden.”
I woke at 3:33 to see her asleep beside me.
When I woke again she was sitting up naked in bed.
I started to speak. She shushed me, “I’m meditating”.

I dropped her off at work. And seven days later,
I came to a locked Garden gate. You had invited in another.
I didn’t need an angel with a fiery sword to know
that Garden was closed forever. One night of untainted bliss,
of course I wanted more of this. “No” sent me on my way,
my sin, she said, was expectations.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi pom,
neither of these quite work for me. The switching from elliptical to 'plain speaking' and back again is jarring, especially in 1977. Still having problems with who is being addressed (particularly Claw). But there are some really nice lines.

1. 1977
You've 'wooden' twice (and I've no idea what the wind wooden chimed' means. Maybe some punctuation might make it clearer?) You also have 'her' before (six lines before!) you mention 'Mary'.
'This room', then 'my room'?

Enjoyed
Out of night I touch this end: the barking of dogs
between the gusts of the dark outside, lost night
clouds, and the curved earthen light of the moon,
and
Golden girl with cruel cheekbones and sea change eyes

the ending is unsettlingly possessive.


2. The Claw Footed Bath Tub

A shower with Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap
in a claw footed bath tub, you giggled and said
“Now it’s your turn for the Garden of Eden.”
It's a great opening (well, maybe not 'you giggled and said') but the second verse is all tell, no show (and bears no relation to the title, which is a shame, I was hoping for more about the tub.) Also, the Garden of Eden reference in S2 just don't feel original, where's your own metaphor? That said, did like the last line.

Were you to be brutal you could almost cut it back to something like this

We showered with Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap
in a claw footed bath tub, she giggled “Now
it’s your turn for the Garden of Eden.”
Later she would tell me, my sin was "expectations."

Regards, Not

.

[pomespennyeach]

Not,

Thanks for the read/critique.

Sorry to hear they don't work together (or individually).

1977 is 40 years old. I did edit it a bit, but wanted to retain as much as the original as I could. "wind woodenchimed" is a Joycean construction (well, he would have written "woodenchimed wind"). I see how you would see it as possessive, because I certainly wanted to possess her.

I don't think I can be that brutal with "Claw Foot".

Anyway, it was a kind of experiment. An old poem and a newish one, side by side, about the same obsession.

PPE

[Macavity]

Much to enjoy in these PPE.

I sit wooden in my room, carved for laughter.
I want someone to woo and coo.

I sculpt out your presence, a rheumy eyed lapidary
at work on his finest stone

Just some options.

I liked the barking dogs too.

A shower with Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap
in a claw footed bath tub, you giggled and said
“Now it’s your turn for the Garden of Eden.”
I woke at 3:33 to see her asleep beside me.
When I woke again she was sitting up naked in bed.
I started to speak. She shushed me, “I’m meditating”.

Loved the combo of intimacy and separation. This was the poem for me, but then I like a grounded poem.

I understand your wish to continue the narrative. After all it is your story to tell.

best

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

it was a kind of experiment. An old poem and a newish one, side by side, about the same obsession.

Interesting idea. For me, though, there seemed to be no difference in 'perspective', the obsession 'felt' the same in both pieces. And, to be honest, I find her more interesting than the narrator
But there's definitely something here. Keep going.

Regards, Not

.

[ray miller]

I enjoyed both poems. I do think the first one is trying a bit too hard to be poetic - phrases like "haunting hollowness".
the shape of a dream for my thoughts to fill, - that's a lovely line.
Both poems seem to suffer from a muddle of pronouns - at work on his finest stone never to see the perfect light
of my finished work.
I dropped her off at work. And seven days later,
I came to a locked Garden gate. You had invited in another.

[pomespennyeach]

Thanks Mac, Not & Ray,

Good suggestions and relevant criticisms. I will return to it. I'm writing several of these about long ago loves, though this is the only one that has a contemporary piece attached to it. And that one ("1977") is problematic for me in terms of revision. It's an artificat from the time and maybe just needs to be kept as a personal souvenir.

PPE