Poetry Forum

The sky is blue, but so what?
Colors that matter soak the screen
rewarding this pale retainer
eyes infused with delight.

I’m just one big pump
keeping up the flow of blood and lymph
to savor creature comforts
in hygienic peace; it's the brain
that circulates the electric dream
shoving aside wandering thoughts,
my head bowed down like a bull
whose skull is a solid rapture.

Pleasure without effort,
everything outside this holy view
is just distraction from the worship
of another's gods and monsters.

***********************************revised 8/20/2020

I'm just one big pump
keeping up the flow of blood and lymph
to savor creature comforts in hygienic peace;
brain pumps out its electric stream
shoving aside foreign pulses
head down like a bull
whose skull is a solid rapture.

The sky is blue, but so what?
Colors that matter soak the TV screen
rewarding its pale circle of retainers
with eyes infected with delight.
The rest of the body is dross,
manna for supervisors and artificial environments.
Eyes arouse us, make us glad.

Crackling of glass and wire
signal our empire. Against barbaric night
we summon up our flourescent legions.
Syndicated Caesars lead their triumphs
across a field of photo-sensitive dots
inhabiting at our digital command
an encapsulated Colosseum.
A circus of heroes, blood and speech,
their bodies, drained of blood and black and white,
is a bread that turns to paper in our bowels.

It's time to prime the pump again.

The sky is blue, but so what?

I like the directness of that PPE. I read the poem to be about headspace, disconnected from actual experience. Therefore, absorbed by say the visuals of TV world, the brain is not 'enlivened' by felt experience - the 'heart' is one big pump and the rest of the body is dross. The human experience is plugged into an artifical existence. Sort of wired into distraction visuals of 'entertainment'.

Liked hygienic peace and an encapsulated Colosseum.

best

mac

Thanks Mac. It's a poem from my past, but your interpretation is what I think I intended the reader to get out of it. Probably needs work, or updating, or something.

Any specific lines that are of concern PPE?

Hi PPE,
I'll leave the tough stuff like interpretation to mac.
Couple of thoughts nonetheless.


The sky is blue, but so what? ...................... this seems a much stronger opening.
Colors that matter soak the TV screens ........ restricting this to just TV rather dates this now
rewarding its pale circles of retainers
with eyes infected with delight. .................. not sure about 'infection/delight'

Me? I'm just one big pump
keeping up the flow
of blood and lymph
to savor creature comforts
in hygienic peace; brain pumps ................ repetition of 'pumps'?
out its electric stream
shoving aside foreign pulses .................... punctuation missing here? Could 'pulses' be 'impulses'?
head down like a bull
whose skull is a solid rapture.

The rest of the body is dross,
manna for supervisors
and artificial environments.
Eyes arouse us, make us glad. ................ the repeat of 'eyes' seems weak. Do you need this line, or can you switch it with the 'infected/delight' one?

Crackling of glass and wire
signal our empire.
Against barbaric night .........................If you cut these I think it would improve the flow to go from .....................................................'environments' to 'we summon'
we summon up our flourescent legions. ....... fluorescent, I believe.
Syndicated Caesars leading triumphs
in procession across a field
of photo-sensitive dots ...................... maybe 'cells' for 'dots'?
inhabiting at our digital command
an encapsulated Colosseum

A circus of heroes, blood and speech,
is a bread that turns to paper in our bowels. .......... lost on 'paper' but that may just be me.
their bodies, drained of blood
and black and white,................................................. 'and'?

It's time to prime the pump again.



Regards, Not

.

Macavity wrote: ↑

Tue Aug 10, 2021 12:16 pm

Any specific lines that are of concern PPE?

First and last lines. I think Not has addressed that in his comments. It is somewhat dated, since TV has been superceded these days by......well, something else. But not sure that's necessarily a worry for me.

I'm just one big pump

I thought that was a solid opening. Gave a perspective to anchor the read.

It's time to prime the pump again.

Does have the strength of circularity for structure, but, perhaps inevitably, there is an element of deflation.

mac

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Tue Aug 10, 2021 2:09 pm

Hi PPE,
I'll leave the tough stuff like interpretation to mac.
Couple of thoughts nonetheless.


The sky is blue, but so what? ...................... this seems a much stronger opening.
Colors that matter soak the TV screens ........ restricting this to just TV rather dates this now
rewarding its pale circles of retainers
with eyes infected with delight. .................. not sure about 'infection/delight'

Me? I'm just one big pump
keeping up the flow
of blood and lymph
to savor creature comforts
in hygienic peace; brain pumps ................ repetition of 'pumps'?
out its electric stream
shoving aside foreign pulses .................... punctuation missing here? Could 'pulses' be 'impulses'?
head down like a bull
whose skull is a solid rapture.

The rest of the body is dross,
manna for supervisors
and artificial environments.
Eyes arouse us, make us glad. ................ the repeat of 'eyes' seems weak. Do you need this line, or can you switch it with the 'infected/delight' one?

Crackling of glass and wire
signal our empire.
Against barbaric night .........................If you cut these I think it would improve the flow to go from .....................................................'environments' to 'we summon'
we summon up our flourescent legions. ....... fluorescent, I believe.
Syndicated Caesars leading triumphs
in procession across a field
of photo-sensitive dots ...................... maybe 'cells' for 'dots'?
inhabiting at our digital command
an encapsulated Colosseum

A circus of heroes, blood and speech,
is a bread that turns to paper in our bowels. .......... lost on 'paper' but that may just be me.
their bodies, drained of blood
and black and white,................................................. 'and'?

It's time to prime the pump again.

Thanks Not. Many good suggestions here in which I am in agreement. Not sure what to do about TV, as it is about television when television was all we had. But I like your new first line.

PPE

Hi PPE,
better for the revision, I think.

pomespennyeach wrote: ↑

Tue Aug 10, 2021 11:49 pm

Not sure what to do about TV

I'd suggest doing nothing, it's in the title.


The sky is blue, but so what?

Colors that matter soak the screen
rewarding this pale retainer
with eyes infused with delight. ..........................still not a fan of infused with delight especially when you compare it with pleasure without effort, it seems to come up short.

Me? I’m just one big pump
keeping up the flow of blood
and lymph to savor creature comforts
in hygienic peace; brain circulates ...................it's the brain / that circulates ...?
the electric dream ............................................. a little Philip K Dick?
shoving aside wandering thought, ................... either a/the wandering thought, or thoughts, plural?
I keep my head bowed down
like a bull whose skull is a solid rapture.

Pleasure without effort.

Everything outside this holy view
is just distraction from my worship .............. the worship?
of unimagined gods and monsters. ............... any alternative to unimagined?

Turns me off. .........................................?


Regards, Not

Thanks again Not.......made some of your suggested changes, but I'm satisfied to end it there (did change "unimagined").

I don't know how I missed this. I really like the tenor of the language. In fact, it reminds me of my own writing.

I think I understand it. It seems to speak to my emotions more than to my intellect. Basically, I think it's saying that television has become a substitute for reality, and you explain how and why. Television is not empiricism, but it has almost become empirical because it is such a huge part of our lives. Television turns us all into "pale retainers" who really do nothing more than circulate fluids.

"Another's gods and monsters" would refer to the producers of television.

Yes, I get this poem, and I like it. It describes my life to a T (as I wait for death at the age of 70). Indeed, it's amazing how many poems I've written in response to something I saw on TV. TV is my life.

Thanks Caleb. Thanks to Not also, he helped me make it clearer.

It is scary how much TV (really for me, it's movies) are my reality. I realized this long ago when trying to intelligently converse with other people. They had actual experiences to talk about. Everything I could add to the conversation started with "Have you seen the movie about...."

I'm getting better at a very advanced age. If I can't add to a conversation without reference to a movie, I just say nothing. But I'm a helluva listener

PPE, movies are just another kind of education. My favorite poet, Alicia Stallings, is constantly putting references to Greek mythology in her writing, and she didn't live any of that. The things we learn from others (instead of from experience) are always fair game to go into poetry (or into conversations). However, in a conversation with me (who sees few movies because I don't like crowds), a lot of movie references might escape me.

Hi PPE,

This poem reads very well now. I much prefer the second version - it’s much more engaging and the rhythm of the lines is much improved.

I really like it.

Cheers,

Tristan

I suppose the sentiments hold good for the internet as well as TV, so you might want to reconsider the title. But anyway, I enjoyed the poem.
with eyes infused with delight. - the repetition of "with" doesn't read well.

Me? I’m just one big pump
keeping up the flow of blood and lymph - I think "Me?" is redundant. I'd suggest -

I'm one big pump keeping up
the flow of blood and lymph

Pleasure without effort, - nice phrase, make a good title

ray miller wrote: ↑

Fri Aug 20, 2021 10:15 am

I suppose the sentiments hold good for the internet as well as TV, so you might want to reconsider the title. But anyway, I enjoyed the poem.
with eyes infused with delight. - the repetition of "with" doesn't read well.

Me? I’m just one big pump
keeping up the flow of blood and lymph - I think "Me?" is redundant. I'd suggest -

I'm one big pump keeping up
the flow of blood and lymph

Pleasure without effort, - nice phrase, make a good title

Hi Ray,

Excellent edit suggestions. Thanks. I will be using them.

PPE

Hi PPE,
nicely tweaked (and yes, a much better title).

I think there's still room for a little more polishing;
whose skull is a solid rapture. Would my skull a solid rapture work?
and just distractions from the worship isn't as smooth as the rest.
Also, anything better than circulates? Lacks a bit of oomph!
Not clear if it's the brain or the dream that 'shove aside'


The sky is blue, but so what?
Colors that matter soak the screen
this pale retainers reward ............ retainer to whom? Is it the right word? Doesn't seem to fit with 'pump'. mortal?

I’m just one big pump
eyes infused with delight.
keeping up the flow

of blood and lymph
to savor creature comforts

in hygienic peace; it's the brain
that circulates electric dreams
shoves aside all wandering thought,

and leaves my head bowed
like a bull whose skull's a solid rapture.
Everything outside the holy view

of Pleasure Without Effort
distractions from the worship

of another's gods and monsters.


Regards, Not

.