When Fogs Collide
In a forest bent by breeze
blowing branches over leaves
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight.
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
when a white fog glowed silent,
slipping thru the trees.
I stopped and froze from smiling
for my fear did find beguiling
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.
It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could leap right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.
Closer came it creeping, creeping
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains
which now in shock I must proclaim.
It passed me thumping, thumping.
I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
Tears I cried yet not for me
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
who found in a universe of sky and mist
each other on a forest plain like this.
And I felt prized over all above
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else
and just when you think life is over and blue,
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you!
Namyh
When Fogs Collide
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Namyh,
does this form have a name?
There's a nice idea here, I think (but a terrible title, first I misread it as 'when frogs collide' - which drew me in, then all I could think of was that film title).
In a forest bent by breeze
blowing branches over leaves
- 'breeze' seems too feeble to bend a whole forest' (and the image of branch over leaf doesn't make much sense to me)
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight.
- this rather messes up your rhyme scheme before you establish it. Bit too Poe, isn't it?
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
when a white fog glowed silent,
slipping thru the trees.
- I don't think 'slipping' has much in the way of menace about it. 'slithered'/'slinking'?
I was surprised by the introduction of 'I' in s2. I think you could introduce yourself (as it were) earlier.
just a thought
In a forest where the breeze
forever whispers to the leaves
I found myself there walking once at midnight.
Vanished was the starlight,
absent now the moonlight
when a fog growled silent, white
and padded thru the trees
I stopped and froze from smiling
- I don't understand 'from smiling'
for my fear did find beguiling
- do you mean 'fear' and not, say, 'mind'?
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
- 'ejecta' and 'grace' seem at odds (but I like the sonics of 'eerie froth of floating' and 'ejecta/spectral').
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.
- you gone from beguiling to colliding, I'm confused.
It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could leap right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.
Closer came it creeping, creeping
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains
which now in shock I must proclaim.
It passed me thumping, thumping.
- I think these two verses are the weakest part of the piece. ('ultra aim'?) Could you rework and combine them? Actually, what does s2 add? By which I mean, it seems possible to go directly from 'through the trees' to 'it pulsed' and not require any intervening elements.
I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
- you lost me again here.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
- I think less of your reaction and more a description of what you're seeing.
Tears I cried yet not for me
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
- heard jubilantly?
who found in a universe of sky and mist
- like the idea, but 'mist'? Really?
each other on a forest plain like this.
And I felt prized over all above
- 'over all above' are the two fogs, the forest, leave and breeze, aren't they?
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
- I really think you need to revisit 'thumpings'
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else
and just when you think life is over and blue,
- 'blue' is a bit of a letdown.
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you!
- 'a thumping' - seems perilously close to someone with a speech impediment saying 'and a something'
Ultimately, I like where the piece ends up, I'm just not convinced by the route you took to get there.
Regards, Not
.
Hi Namyh,
does this form have a name?
There's a nice idea here, I think (but a terrible title, first I misread it as 'when frogs collide' - which drew me in, then all I could think of was that film title).
In a forest bent by breeze
blowing branches over leaves
- 'breeze' seems too feeble to bend a whole forest' (and the image of branch over leaf doesn't make much sense to me)
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight.
- this rather messes up your rhyme scheme before you establish it. Bit too Poe, isn't it?
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
when a white fog glowed silent,
slipping thru the trees.
- I don't think 'slipping' has much in the way of menace about it. 'slithered'/'slinking'?
I was surprised by the introduction of 'I' in s2. I think you could introduce yourself (as it were) earlier.
just a thought
In a forest where the breeze
forever whispers to the leaves
I found myself there walking once at midnight.
Vanished was the starlight,
absent now the moonlight
when a fog growled silent, white
and padded thru the trees
I stopped and froze from smiling
- I don't understand 'from smiling'
for my fear did find beguiling
- do you mean 'fear' and not, say, 'mind'?
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
- 'ejecta' and 'grace' seem at odds (but I like the sonics of 'eerie froth of floating' and 'ejecta/spectral').
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.
- you gone from beguiling to colliding, I'm confused.
It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could leap right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.
Closer came it creeping, creeping
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains
which now in shock I must proclaim.
It passed me thumping, thumping.
- I think these two verses are the weakest part of the piece. ('ultra aim'?) Could you rework and combine them? Actually, what does s2 add? By which I mean, it seems possible to go directly from 'through the trees' to 'it pulsed' and not require any intervening elements.
I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
- you lost me again here.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
- I think less of your reaction and more a description of what you're seeing.
Tears I cried yet not for me
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
- heard jubilantly?
who found in a universe of sky and mist
- like the idea, but 'mist'? Really?
each other on a forest plain like this.
And I felt prized over all above
- 'over all above' are the two fogs, the forest, leave and breeze, aren't they?
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
- I really think you need to revisit 'thumpings'
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else
and just when you think life is over and blue,
- 'blue' is a bit of a letdown.
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you!
- 'a thumping' - seems perilously close to someone with a speech impediment saying 'and a something'
Ultimately, I like where the piece ends up, I'm just not convinced by the route you took to get there.
Regards, Not
.
How curious this piece, mating Fogs, I wonder what little puff offspring they have.
I find it quite quirky and playful.
A fun read, Thanks.
There were a couple of typos that stood out to me:
I find it quite quirky and playful.
A fun read, Thanks.
There were a couple of typos that stood out to me:
Closer came it creeping, creeping
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim ----> do you mean precise trajectory , or altra aim, as in other motives
than scaring me out of wits and brains
which now in shock I must proclaim.
It passed me thumping, thumping.
Last edited by Amadis on Sat Jul 24, 2021 10:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3060
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I like this playful poem. The last stanza is the least impressive to me because it strays from the established meter (which I haven't examined closely).
It is quite an accomplishment to have rhymed the whole thing.
I'm reminded of a poem by Walt Whitman about the dance of mating eagles. The problem is, the eagles weren't mating; they were two males who were fighting.
In summary, let me say that I am pleased to read any poem which is written in plain language.
My only suggestion is to smooth the poem as much as you can to make sure the meter isn't jerky. The smoother the meter, the more it helps to carry the reader along.
It is quite an accomplishment to have rhymed the whole thing.
I'm reminded of a poem by Walt Whitman about the dance of mating eagles. The problem is, the eagles weren't mating; they were two males who were fighting.
In summary, let me say that I am pleased to read any poem which is written in plain language.
My only suggestion is to smooth the poem as much as you can to make sure the meter isn't jerky. The smoother the meter, the more it helps to carry the reader along.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
I really like your poem. I have just been doing ‘The Raven’ by E A Poe and it has some similarities in rhyme and rhythm.
On a persona level I still start lines of poetry with capital letters. You, like most on this site, do not. I suspect I am still old fashioned.
I like your use of alliteration and your rhythm usually works. In stanza one I would consider
In an absence of faint starlight,
And no presence of the moonlight
A fog moved softly, glowing silent
Slipping thru the trees.
In the 4th line of the second verse I wonder if you mean ‘ejected’
The final verse seems to lose metre a little.
I repeat I enjoyed your poem. Thank you
On a persona level I still start lines of poetry with capital letters. You, like most on this site, do not. I suspect I am still old fashioned.
I like your use of alliteration and your rhythm usually works. In stanza one I would consider
In an absence of faint starlight,
And no presence of the moonlight
A fog moved softly, glowing silent
Slipping thru the trees.
In the 4th line of the second verse I wonder if you mean ‘ejected’
The final verse seems to lose metre a little.
I repeat I enjoyed your poem. Thank you