Paper Snowflakes (rev 5 tweaked)

[Lia]

Hello Eira,

The revision reads beautifully. It's fascinating to see how this poem evolved over time. I see that you're resting the poem now so this is really just a small thought, but I really much preferred 'reindeer leaping' and offer this, which suggests different breaks and two thoughts,


Knowing we’ll miss seeing you rip open
our sack of presents, reindeer leaping
across your shirt, our stroll together

in the (name of park?) park on Boxing Day
and your avalanche of paper snowflakes.
I feel a blizzard inside me…

can’t forget how you turned to shuffle out,
my high five left hanging at the screen.


Anyway, just an alternative to consider. It's a lovely poem.

Lia

[capricorn]

Hi Lia,

Thank you so much for returning to this I'm always open to suggestions even when resting a poem. I do like what you have suggested as it reads smoother and I have tweaked further at the end. Naming the park was a brilliant idea.

Thanks again
Eira

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira,
like the tweak.
If you could stand another ...

open our sack of presents, the reindeer
leaping across your shirt, our Boxing Day

stroll together in Perry Hall Park
and your avalanche of paper snowflakes.
I feel a blizzard inside me …

… and can’t forget
how you turned to shuffle out,
my high five left hanging at the screen.

Regards, Not

.

[capricorn]

Tweaked again, Not. Thanks!
Eira

[Lia]

It looks really good, Eira.

Lia

[NotQuiteSure]

What she said.

[capricorn]

Thank you both
Eira