The Girl in the Woods (v4)

[NotQuiteSure]

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v4
The Girl in the Woods


I saw her
once, she said,
crossing the ridgeway
at summer's end,
hair as long as a horse's tail,
ragged
and deer-shy.

Stepping from the shadows
of one beech
to another,
made as much sound as a leaf does
when it falls.

Everyone knew
why she stayed lost:
a mother like that
and the father,
such as he was.

Her brother come back
alone,
all fat
and full of tales.
Always the hero.

He found a place by the Saint
in the centre of town,
starved himself
to gristle and a sour rage.

I took to leaving clothes for her,
she said, hand-me-downs
but good enough
for the forest.

Found a white duck feather
each time in their place.

Those I kept safe
between the pages of a bedside book.

Once, I left an ivory comb
and gloves, the finest
I could afford. Next year
a ruby waited for me.

I sold that,

she said,
bought this house
and the business.
Never looked back.


__________________




v3
The Girl in the Woods


He saw her once at summer's end,
he said, crossing the ridgeway
hair as long as a horse's tail,
and that knife. Years ago,

she stepped from the shadows
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound as a leaf
falling. Everyone knew

why she stayed lost,
a mother like that and the father
such as he was. Her brother
come back alone, all fat

and full of tales. Always the hero.
Bought a place in town
close to the Saint, then starved himself
to gristle and a sour rage.

He took to leaving clothes for her,
he said, not fancy but good enough
for the forest. Found a white duck feather
each time in their place.

Kept those in a bedside book.
One time, left an ivory comb and gloves,
fine as he could afford. Next year a ruby
waited for him. He sold that, he said,

bought this house and the business.
And were her eyes red? I asked.


__________________




v2b
The Girl in the Woods


He saw her once, he said,
crossing the ridgeway at summer's end,
hair as long as a horse's tail,
knife on her hip. Years ago.

She stepped from the long shadows
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound
as a leaf falling.

Everyone knew why she stayed lost,
a mother like that, the father
such as he was. Her brother
returned alone, all fat

and full of tales. Always the hero.
He bought a place in town, near the Saint,
then starved himself to gristle
and a sour rage.

He took to leaving clothes for her,
he said, not fancy but good enough
for the forest. Found a white duck feather
in their place when he returned.

Kept them in a book. One year
he left an ivory comb and gloves, fine
as he could afford. Next time a ruby
waited for him. He sold that, he said,

bought this house and the business.
Never looked back.



__________________



The Girl in the Woods


He saw her once, he said
crossing the ridgeway
hair as long as a horse's tail
and that knife. Years ago

stepping from the shadow
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound
as a leaf falling.

Everyone knew why she stayed
lost, a mother like that, a father
such as he was. The brother
come back alone, all fat

and full of tales. Always the hero.
He bought a place in town
then starved himself to gristle
and a sour rage.

He said he'd leave her clothes, sometimes
not fancy, but good enough for the forest
and would find a white duck feather
in their place when he returned. He kept them

in a book. Offered a silver comb and gloves
one year, fine as he could afford
and the next time a ruby
was waiting for him. He sold that

he said, bought this house and the business.
And were her eyes red? I asked.



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[Macavity]

Like the folktale feel of this Not. The ruby/eye concluding question had a Grimm twist. Is it related to any particular tale?

Nice tease of detail and no expansion of that detail, the lean rationale of a folktale narrative.

some specific thoughts...

He saw her once, he said.............adds to the mystery
crossing the ridgeway.....................comma?
hair as long as a horse's tail.....nice simile
and that knife. Years ago.....threat

stepping from the shadow...typo full-stop?
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound
as a leaf falling....................like the simile

Everyone knew why she stayed
lost, a mother like that, a father.....like the tease of info
such as he was. The brother
come back all alone, fat

and full of tales. Him the hero.
He bought a place in town
then starved himself to sinew...........like the unexplained element
and a sour rage.

He said he'd leave her clothes sometimes...................comma?
not fancy but good enough for the forest
and often a white duck feather............................folktale ref.?
would be left in their place. He kept those

in a book. Once, he offered a silver comb
and gloves, fine as he could afford
and the next year a ruby.................................like the barter escalation
was waiting for him. He sold that

he said, bought this house and the business.
And were her eyes red? I asked.

good one

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi mac,
thanks for the read (and catching the typo. Drat!)
Is the lack of end-line commas an issue (easy fix if so)?

Nice tease of detail and no expansion of that detail, the lean rationale of a folktale narrative.

Something for the Jack Spratt reader

Regards, Not

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[Firebird]

Hi Not,

I’m not really sure what the hints at horror/violence, the fairy tale feel and mystery add up to and how to fill in the gaps in the narrative, but maybe this doesn’t matter as I quite like the piece - its atmosphere and voice. It reads well and I really like this image:

Made as much sound
as a leaf falling.

Some specific points below.

.
The Girl in the Woods


He saw her once, he said
crossing the ridgeway
hair as long as a horse's tail
and that knife. Years ago

stepping from the shadow
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound
as a leaf falling.

Everyone knew why she stayed
lost, a mother like that, a father
such as he was. The brother
come back alone, all fat

and full of tales. Always the hero.
He bought a place in town
then starved himself to gristle (I preferred ‘sinew’ here. It works well with ‘sour’)
and a sour rage.

He said he'd leave her clothes, sometimes
not fancy, but good enough for the forest (not keen on ‘sometimes / not fancy’. I’d get rid of ‘sometimes’)
and would find a white duck feather
in their place when he returned. He kept them

in a book. Offered a silver comb and gloves
one year, fine as he could afford
and the next time a ruby
was waiting for him. He sold that

he said, bought this house and the business. (This sentence sounds a little clunky to me. I think it could be phrased better, or maybe not, as it does seem to work with the voice of the piece. It was just that I stumbled on ‘He sold that ...’)
And were her eyes red? I asked. (I don’t think you need to Italicise ‘her’.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Macavity]

Is the lack of end-line commas an issue (easy fix if so)?

As always, subjective, readers will have their preferences: comma litter, end line pause to signify a comma, endline pause to signify a nuance of pause/comma. A lot depends on how a reader reads/utilises a line-break.

Could you post the original since you have made a number of tweaks. I agree with Tristan on a preference for 'sinew'.

best

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read,
Going to stick with 'gristle' for a while longer ('sinew' has a connotation of strength that I don't want, 'gristle' an unpleasant toughness, which I do.)
Cut the 'sometimes'.

gaps in the narrative, but maybe this doesn’t matter as I quite like the piece - its atmosphere and voice. It reads well

I'll settle for that


Mac,
added commas

(the original is the one 'quoted' in your reply.)

Revised.

Thanks both, Not

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[Macavity]

You don't seem to value the original Not? A pity.

He saw her once, he said
crossing the ridgeway
hair as long as a horse's tail
and that knife. Years ago

He saw her once, he said,
crossing the ridgeway at summer's end,
hair as long as a horse's tail,
knife on her hip. Years ago.

The clipped original of that knife conveyed more threat, cuts into the syntax and thought process, a sense of alarm. The revision is passive, where the knife is placed...so what? The additional seasonal detail is unneeded, a specific that detracts, the flow of disturbance is flattened. Of course, this is all subjective and others will prefer familiar syntax and explication.

best

mac

[Firebird]

Hi Not,

I agree with Mac. The original for me is better. I miss the ending - it was much more suggestive.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

Thanks for returning mac, Tristan.
'that' and the ending reinstated (but I don't think the ending quite works ... yet Haven't been able to put my finger on why ... yet.)


Regards, Not

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