.
v4
The Girl in the Woods
I saw her
once, she said,
crossing the ridgeway
at summer's end,
hair as long as a horse's tail,
ragged
and deer-shy.
Stepping from the shadows
of one beech
to another,
made as much sound as a leaf does
when it falls.
Everyone knew
why she stayed lost:
a mother like that
and the father,
such as he was.
Her brother come back
alone,
all fat
and full of tales.
Always the hero.
He found a place by the Saint
in the centre of town,
starved himself
to gristle and a sour rage.
I took to leaving clothes for her,
she said, hand-me-downs
but good enough
for the forest.
Found a white duck feather
each time in their place.
Those I kept safe
between the pages of a bedside book.
Once, I left an ivory comb
and gloves, the finest
I could afford. Next year
a ruby waited for me.
I sold that,
she said,
bought this house
and the business.
Never looked back.
__________________
v3
The Girl in the Woods
He saw her once at summer's end,
he said, crossing the ridgeway
hair as long as a horse's tail,
and that knife. Years ago,
she stepped from the shadows
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound as a leaf
falling. Everyone knew
why she stayed lost,
a mother like that and the father
such as he was. Her brother
come back alone, all fat
and full of tales. Always the hero.
Bought a place in town
close to the Saint, then starved himself
to gristle and a sour rage.
He took to leaving clothes for her,
he said, not fancy but good enough
for the forest. Found a white duck feather
each time in their place.
Kept those in a bedside book.
One time, left an ivory comb and gloves,
fine as he could afford. Next year a ruby
waited for him. He sold that, he said,
bought this house and the business.
And were her eyes red? I asked.
__________________
v2b
The Girl in the Woods
He saw her once, he said,
crossing the ridgeway at summer's end,
hair as long as a horse's tail,
knife on her hip. Years ago.
She stepped from the long shadows
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound
as a leaf falling.
Everyone knew why she stayed lost,
a mother like that, the father
such as he was. Her brother
returned alone, all fat
and full of tales. Always the hero.
He bought a place in town, near the Saint,
then starved himself to gristle
and a sour rage.
He took to leaving clothes for her,
he said, not fancy but good enough
for the forest. Found a white duck feather
in their place when he returned.
Kept them in a book. One year
he left an ivory comb and gloves, fine
as he could afford. Next time a ruby
waited for him. He sold that, he said,
bought this house and the business.
Never looked back.
__________________
The Girl in the Woods
He saw her once, he said
crossing the ridgeway
hair as long as a horse's tail
and that knife. Years ago
stepping from the shadow
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound
as a leaf falling.
Everyone knew why she stayed
lost, a mother like that, a father
such as he was. The brother
come back alone, all fat
and full of tales. Always the hero.
He bought a place in town
then starved himself to gristle
and a sour rage.
He said he'd leave her clothes, sometimes
not fancy, but good enough for the forest
and would find a white duck feather
in their place when he returned. He kept them
in a book. Offered a silver comb and gloves
one year, fine as he could afford
and the next time a ruby
was waiting for him. He sold that
he said, bought this house and the business.
And were her eyes red? I asked.
.
The Girl in the Woods (v4)
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Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Wed Jul 13, 2022 12:08 pm, edited 7 times in total.
Like the folktale feel of this Not. The ruby/eye concluding question had a Grimm twist. Is it related to any particular tale?
Nice tease of detail and no expansion of that detail, the lean rationale of a folktale narrative.
some specific thoughts...
mac
Nice tease of detail and no expansion of that detail, the lean rationale of a folktale narrative.
some specific thoughts...
good oneHe saw her once, he said.............adds to the mystery
crossing the ridgeway.....................comma?
hair as long as a horse's tail.....nice simile
and that knife. Years ago.....threat
stepping from the shadow...typo full-stop?
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound
as a leaf falling....................like the simile
Everyone knew why she stayed
lost, a mother like that, a father.....like the tease of info
such as he was. The brother
come back all alone, fat
and full of tales. Him the hero.
He bought a place in town
then starved himself to sinew...........like the unexplained element
and a sour rage.
He said he'd leave her clothes sometimes...................comma?
not fancy but good enough for the forest
and often a white duck feather............................folktale ref.?
would be left in their place. He kept those
in a book. Once, he offered a silver comb
and gloves, fine as he could afford
and the next year a ruby.................................like the barter escalation
was waiting for him. He sold that
he said, bought this house and the business.
And were her eyes red? I asked.
mac
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- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi mac,
thanks for the read (and catching the typo. Drat!)
Is the lack of end-line commas an issue (easy fix if so)?
Regards, Not
.
thanks for the read (and catching the typo. Drat!)
Is the lack of end-line commas an issue (easy fix if so)?
Something for the Jack Spratt reader
Regards, Not
.
Hi Not,
I’m not really sure what the hints at horror/violence, the fairy tale feel and mystery add up to and how to fill in the gaps in the narrative, but maybe this doesn’t matter as I quite like the piece - its atmosphere and voice. It reads well and I really like this image:
Cheers,
Tristan
I’m not really sure what the hints at horror/violence, the fairy tale feel and mystery add up to and how to fill in the gaps in the narrative, but maybe this doesn’t matter as I quite like the piece - its atmosphere and voice. It reads well and I really like this image:
Some specific points below.Made as much sound
as a leaf falling.
Hope this helps.NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑Fri Jun 04, 2021 1:07 pm.
The Girl in the Woods
He saw her once, he said
crossing the ridgeway
hair as long as a horse's tail
and that knife. Years ago
stepping from the shadow
of one beech to another.
Made as much sound
as a leaf falling.
Everyone knew why she stayed
lost, a mother like that, a father
such as he was. The brother
come back alone, all fat
and full of tales. Always the hero.
He bought a place in town
then starved himself to gristle (I preferred ‘sinew’ here. It works well with ‘sour’)
and a sour rage.
He said he'd leave her clothes, sometimes
not fancy, but good enough for the forest (not keen on ‘sometimes / not fancy’. I’d get rid of ‘sometimes’)
and would find a white duck feather
in their place when he returned. He kept them
in a book. Offered a silver comb and gloves
one year, fine as he could afford
and the next time a ruby
was waiting for him. He sold that
he said, bought this house and the business. (This sentence sounds a little clunky to me. I think it could be phrased better, or maybe not, as it does seem to work with the voice of the piece. It was just that I stumbled on ‘He sold that ...’)
And were her eyes red? I asked. (I don’t think you need to Italicise ‘her’.
Cheers,
Tristan
As always, subjective, readers will have their preferences: comma litter, end line pause to signify a comma, endline pause to signify a nuance of pause/comma. A lot depends on how a reader reads/utilises a line-break.Is the lack of end-line commas an issue (easy fix if so)?
Could you post the original since you have made a number of tweaks. I agree with Tristan on a preference for 'sinew'.
best
mac
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Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read,
Going to stick with 'gristle' for a while longer ('sinew' has a connotation of strength that I don't want, 'gristle' an unpleasant toughness, which I do.)
Cut the 'sometimes'.
Mac,
added commas
(the original is the one 'quoted' in your reply.)
Revised.
Thanks both, Not
.
thanks for the read,
Going to stick with 'gristle' for a while longer ('sinew' has a connotation of strength that I don't want, 'gristle' an unpleasant toughness, which I do.)
Cut the 'sometimes'.
I'll settle for that
Mac,
added commas
(the original is the one 'quoted' in your reply.)
Revised.
Thanks both, Not
.
You don't seem to value the original Not? A pity.
best
mac
He saw her once, he said
crossing the ridgeway
hair as long as a horse's tail
and that knife. Years ago
The clipped original of that knife conveyed more threat, cuts into the syntax and thought process, a sense of alarm. The revision is passive, where the knife is placed...so what? The additional seasonal detail is unneeded, a specific that detracts, the flow of disturbance is flattened. Of course, this is all subjective and others will prefer familiar syntax and explication.He saw her once, he said,
crossing the ridgeway at summer's end,
hair as long as a horse's tail,
knife on her hip. Years ago.
best
mac
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- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Thanks for returning mac, Tristan.
'that' and the ending reinstated (but I don't think the ending quite works ... yet Haven't been able to put my finger on why ... yet.)
Regards, Not
.
'that' and the ending reinstated (but I don't think the ending quite works ... yet Haven't been able to put my finger on why ... yet.)
Regards, Not
.