Repost/Rewrite

[NotQuiteSure]

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v2
The Clock Struck One


As grey as a cobweb, black eyes agleam,
a twitching of whiskers, cautious and keen;

a mouse after midnight in search of a meal
scampers from shadow to shadow and steals

through the carpeted quiet, its mind full of cats.
A chain flashing silver, a worn Welcome mat,

a dog lead, umbrella, coats hanging like bats
and his shoes and her shoes and no signs of cats.

A mouse in the hallway, a door that's ajar
where there, in the distance, a silvery star,

a twinkling beacon of fruity fragrance,
a luring of seeds and nut-buttery scents.

A mouse in the kitchen, a hunger in fur
slips by the cooker, across the cold floor.

A fridge with the shivers, green wellies, a ball,
two bowls (one with water). But cats? None at all.


No sound but a heartbeat
..................................................(thumpety, thump!)
and drip-dripping tap
..................................................(plowink ... Plowink.)
A mouth opens, wider
..................................................(Deep Breath.)
No signs of a
................Snap!




___________________


The Clock Struck One


A mouse after midnight in search of a meal
scampers from shadow to shadow and steals

out by the sofa and over the floor
skirting the boards to scout at the door

the carpeted quiet; a Welcome mat (worn)
a chain flashing silver, some flyers (forlorn)

a dog lead, umbrella, coats hanging like bats
three shoes (his and hers) and no sign of cats.

As grey as a cobweb, black eyes agleam
a twitching of whiskers, cautious and keen

and off down the hall to the door that's ajar
where there in the distance a silvery star

a twinkling beacon of fruity fragrance
a luring of seeds and nut-buttery scents.

And now, in kitchen, a hunger in fur
slips by the cooker, on the cold floor

a fridge with the shivers, green wellies, a ball
two bowls (one with water). But cats? None at all.


No sounds but a heartbeat
..................................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap
..................................................(plowink ... Plowink.)
Mouth opening, wider
..................................................(Deep Breath.)
Still no sign of
..................Snap!





_______________

Original thread:
https://proleartthreat.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=23526&hilit=the+clock+struck

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[Firebird]

Hi Not,

I remember this one, and still like it. Some specific comments below.

The Clock Struck One


A mouse after midnight in search of a meal
scampers from shadow to shadow and steals

out by the sofa and over the floor
skirting the boards to scout at the door

the carpeted quiet; a Welcome mat (worn)
a chain flashing silver, some flyers (forlorn) (not sure about this parenthesis. They both seem there for the rhyme. Maybe it would work better without the brackets?)

a dog lead, umbrella, coats hanging like bats (shouldn’t it be the umbrellas hanging like bats?)
three shoes (his and hers) and no sign of cats.

As grey as a cobweb, black eyes agleam
a twitching of whiskers, cautious and keen (lovely couplet)

and off down the hall to the door that's ajar
where there in the distance a silvery star

a twinkling beacon of fruity fragrance
a luring of seeds and nut-buttery scents.

And now, in kitchen, a hunger in fur
slips by the cooker, on the cold floor

a fridge with the shivers, green wellies, a ball (still like the shivering fridge)
two bowls (one with water). But cats? None at all.


No sounds but a heartbeat
..................................................(thumpety, thump!)
A drip-dripping tap
..................................................(plowink ... Plowink.)
Mouth opening, wider
..................................................(Deep Breath.)
Still no sign of
..................Snap! (the ending works well.)





_______________

Original thread:
https://proleartthreat.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=23526&hilit=the+clock+struck

.

I do think it’s a long way to go for for an ending that is good but doesn’t quite do enough for the length of the read. Also the rhythm in some of the couplets (six and eight) doesn’t sound quite right to me.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

Thanks for revisiting Tristan.

They both seem there for the rhyme

I'm ok with the (worn) but yes, clearly I clearly with (forlorn), desparate to avoid (porn)

shouldn’t it be the umbrellas hanging like bats?

Good lord no. Umbrellas go in stands. Philistine!

...scribble, scribble, scribble ... OK, how about 'version 2'?

Regards, Not

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[Firebird]

Starting with that stanza helps the poem a lot. And I’m pleased you’ve cut a stanza and the rhythm has improved, too. But I’m not sure you can get away with rhyming ‘cat’ with ‘mat’ . It reminds me too much of the child’s ‘the cat sat on the mat’ rhyme.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

I’m not sure you can get away with rhyming ‘cat’ with ‘mat’

'get away with'? Ha. I prefer to think of it as paying homage, similarly 'where there' (L10) was supposed to echo the song 'A Windmill In Old Amsterdam'.

Was wondering about these
the dark full of cats
a darkness of cats
as alternatives to
its mind full of cats.

Thanks again, Not

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[Firebird]

Was wondering about these
the dark full of cats
a darkness of cats
as alternatives to
its mind full of cats.

I think it’s better to be direct and say ‘it’s mind full of cats’.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

I think it’s better to be direct

Yes, I think you're right, thanks.

Regards, Not