Looking After You

[ray miller]

The stabilisers are squeaking and your head is still
too tiny for your helmet. We’re taking aim
at August and the cycle turns as clockwork
as a comet. Your new parents have got previous
experience of death, disease and sickness;
but they don’t have dogs, frogs in a pond
or slow-worms on the top of the compost.

I’m looking after you – to when I’m stationed
at the wrong end of a spyglass, when the shed
is cleared of a pink car and red scooters,
and Cinderella hasn’t left behind her slippers;
when the time strikes for writing rhyme and rhythm
without dwelling on the dreams of foster children;
to when I stare at so much empty space and wonder
if I can stomach watching Rastamouse alone.

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi ray,
very much enjoyed. Only minor niggles (the type that made me stop and puzzle for a moment and so disrupted what otherwise flowed smoothly).

‘cycle’ - it’s just the punning nature of this that made me pause. I assume the cycle refers to fostering (the process by which you’ll return her to the door through which she enters).

‘a pond of frogs’ - might me smoother?

‘after’ - similar sort of pun, or is is colloquial. I assume you mean ‘beyond (the time)’?

‘and’ - between ‘cars’ and ‘red’, could it be replaced by a comma?

‘time strikes’ - does time strike? (Would ‘hour comes’ work?)
should the ; be a – ? L13. (and is the sentence missing a ‘will’ (stare ... ))

Regards, Not

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[Macavity]

or slow-worms on the top of the compost.

Like the specific of that.

experience of death, disease and sickness;

In contrast that list was generic.

Nice ending.

enjoyed

mac

[Firebird]

Hi Ray,

I like the poem, especially the ending - it’s poignant.

However, I too stubbled a bit on ‘cycle’ in s1 and ‘after’ in s2. These two puns made me have to read a second time to understand the poem. I suppose the second pun ‘after’ is essential, but is ‘cycle’. I’m not sure. It worth thinking about though, I think.

Cheers,

Tristan

The stabilisers are squeaking and your head is still
too tiny for your helmet. We’re taking aim
at August and the cycle turns as clockwork
as a comet. Your new parents have got previous
experience of death, disease and sickness;
but they don’t have dogs, frogs in a pond
or slow-worms on the top of the compost.

I’m looking after you – to when I’m stationed
at the wrong end of a spyglass, when the shed
is cleared of a pink car and red scooters,
and Cinderella hasn’t left behind her slippers;
when the time strikes for writing rhyme and rhythm
without dwelling on the dreams of foster children;
to when I stare at so much empty space and wonder
if I can stomach watching Rastamouse alone.

[ray miller]

Thanks for the comments. I shall dwell on them. Time strikes - because of Cinderella. Cycle - I had in mind the predictability of a comet's reappearance.

[CalebPerry]

The language is clear, yet I don't know what the poem is about, or who it's addressed to. Maybe there are references to a cultural phenomenon I'm not familiar with. "Rastamouse" doesn't pull up anything in the dictionary, but Wikipedia has told me what it is.

The first line suggests the poem is about a child learning to ride a bicycle, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Foster children?

[ray miller]

Thanks, Perry. I did think about giving a line by line explanation but I'd probably only confuse myself. So in short, it's about a foster carer contemplating the hole in his life when the foster child moves on.

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi ray.

Time strikes - because of Cinderella
Understood, it’s just the phrase doesn’t quite work for me, would ‘ink dries’?
(Or the more commonplace, ‘wells run dry’ ?)

Cycle - I had in mind the predictability of a comet's reappearance.
Right, but it reads primarily like a pun, and doesn’t comet imply regularity (to an extent)?
Doubtless you considered (the equally punning, I know,I know, consistency ... ) ‘wheels’

Still like it though.

Regards, Not

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