Poetry Forum

Version 2:

I am alone in a semi-darkened mall
or in a theater after hours, bending,
picking up items to be recycled — cans,
bottles, plastic cups — examining them,
bringing them to color-coded bins, shutting
lights to save on power (to cool the Earth).
This is the dream; trying to fix the world,
worried about waste, keeping the world clean.

Even in old age, nearing death, I have
this dream in some form every other day,
wandering the world, trying to hold back the tide
of mankind’s habits that destroy the Earth,
deeply bewildered that no one seems to care.
Who will fix these things while I am away?

Original:

The scene is a familiar one: I am alone
in a semi-darkened theater after hours,
or in a mall, picking up trash or items
to be recycled, left by patrons during
the afternoon matinee, bringing them
to bins, shutting lights to save on power. This
is the recurrent dream; doing the world’s work,
worried about waste, keeping the world clean.

Even in old age, even near death, I have
this dream in some form every other day,
wandering the world, trying to hold back the tide
of mankind’s habits that destroy the Earth,
deeply bewildered that no one seems to care.
Who will fix these things while I am away?

-end-

"While I am away" just means "after I die". I believe in reincarnation, so the assumption is that I'll be back.

Hi Perry,

Good to see you posting. I like the irony here of your N being a fixer in their dreams, but maybe like everyone else doing little in their real life.

I do think the poem needs some tidying up though and quite a bit of redundancy removing. Some specific comments below.

CalebPerry wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 06, 2021 4:20 am

The scene is a familiar one: I am alone (Do you need ‘The scene is a familiar one’ as you have ‘recurrent dream’ later? And it’s more powerful just to start in the action)
in a semi-darkened theater after hours,
or in a mall, picking up trash or items (picking up trash to be recycled?)
to be recycled, left by patrons during (I think you could cut ‘left by patron during the afternoon matinee’. This is absolutely clear)
the afternoon matinee, bringing them
to bins, shutting lights to save on power. This
is the recurrent dream; doing the world’s work, (Are you really doing the world’s work?)
worried about waste, keeping the world clean.

Even in old age, even near death, I have
this dream in some form every other day, (This is the third time you’ve mentioned how much you have these dreams - you need to prune)
wandering the world, trying to hold back the tide
of mankind’s habits that destroy the Earth,
deeply bewildered that no one seems to care.
Who will fix these things while I am away? (Nice ending)

-end-

"While I am away" just means "after I die". I believe in reincarnation, so the assumption is that I'll be back.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

Tristan, those are useful comments. Thank you.

Redundancy can be an effective tool, but I don't think I did it effectively in this poem.

Extraneous details can be useful for setting the scene or creating a mood; but again, I may not have done that effectively here.

It seems to me that I mentioned that I was dreaming only twice, not three times.

I'm going to work on compacting the poem a little.

Thanks again.

By the way, I am a fixer in real life too. On recycling day, I would go around and fix people's recycling mistakes. But my health has gotten worse, and I don't have the energy to do that any more. I also wrote my own recycling documentation which I would sometimes give to neighbors.

Like it Perry, personal in the obsession, but confronts an issue that affects us all. The reflective ending on legacy is a reminder of mortality and transience. I agree with Tristan on his suggested edit for the opening.

thank you for sharing

mac

Thanks so much, Mac!

Just a thought, however: Joni Mitchell's music, which was intensely personal, taught me that the personal is universal, that the best way to reach people is to share personal feelings in a way that they can relate to. I'm not sure that I am accomplishing that in this poem, but I am trying.

I have just posted version 2. It doesn't reflect all of Tristan's comments, just some of them.

that the best way to reach people is to share personal feelings in a way that they can relate to.

Fair point Perry. I saw a litter picker yesterday. He was totally absorbed in his task. I thought of your poem.

Hi Perry,

Just to let you know, I think the revision is much improved and really like the poem. The first stanza reads a lot better and you’ve added some specifics which have added interest. I like the rhythm and the weight of the lines too.

Cheers,

Tristan

Maybe you should start with This is the dream - puts some distance between the "dream" lines. I'd suggest "keeping the Earth cooler" and cutting the last 2 lines of the first stanza.

I have this dream in some form every recycling day, - a bit of humour

The ending is very nice

More comments! How wonderful!

Mac and Tristan, thank you so much.

Thanks to you also, Ray. I like the idea of moving the first Dream line to the top. However, humor seems out of place in the poem. Nonetheless, I'm still working on it. I feel that the poem needs a profound or ironic insight to elevate it, but I can't conjure one up so far.

Thanks again!