Locked Out

[ray miller]

On the A-boards and the hoardings
outside supermarkets and newsagents

Widower Faces Lockdown
Without His Late Wife

Nice alliteration, somewhat tautologous -
must have been a bad day for news.

Unless she really did turn up
too late for lockdown and now wanders
out of time joining endless queues
to enter waiting rooms
where faceless officials
wash their hands and wave her away
every time she gets too close.

Where once a week she glimpses
her husband on their doorstep
with a saucepan in his hands
and worries how he’s managing to eat.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi ray,

I think, given the title, you don't need the opening couplet,
and 'bad day for news' feels a bit too predictable (and lacks a 'local' element).

Doesn't seem like you've found the ending yet.
Does there need to be a time reference or something to tie back to 'late wife'?

Just a thought

And once a week she glimpses
her husband on their doorstep
(dot of six) saucepan in hand
and worries if he's managing
to eat.

Regards, Not

.

[ray miller]

Thanks, Not. I need the opening couplet. Not all news, local or otherwise, is plastered outside every supermarket, and this was. Maybe I could use a different title, though. I think the ending is the best part, though that's perhaps not saying much. I think it's the penultimate stanza needs improving. What's (dot of six)?

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi ray,
definitely a different title then.
(This wasn't the story of the man who killed his wife five days into the first lock-down, was it? Though it is where my mind went).

Yes, that stanza doesn't have your usual bite, though I do like the last three lines.

'on the dot of' ... exactly/precisely on time, at the time specified
(my way of suggesting that's when she usually had his tea ready for him)

As to the ending, might you return to N and his thoughts on 'local news'? I think I'm waiting to hear how N would rewrite the headline.

Regards, Not

.

[ray miller]

Not, I'm not sure where you live but the saucepan is a reference to all the people who came on to their doorsteps on Thursday evenings to clap or bang saucepans in appreciation of the NHS. The story was just as banal as the headline - wife died after lengthy battle with cancer.

[NotQuiteSure]

in appreciation of the NHS

Yes, that was clear, I just wondered if there was a way of suggesting that it might be a coincidence he was on the doorstep with a saucepan (hungry rather than 'celebratory' - addled with/by grief, as it were). That said, shouldn't it be 'glimpsed' if you're sticking with the clap for carers idea?

[Amadis]

I like this one a lot, from the News, to an old couple stricken with recent tragedy.

Agree with Not about the first few lines not being quite as needed (I didn't understand some terms %)

Starting with this is fine:

The news:
Widower Faces Lockdown
Without His Late Wife

I did not at first know where it was going, but then, I like the departed Spirit Wife still trying to lend a hand.
(Pity no-one else will)

cheers,
Amadis.

[CalebPerry]

I was blocked from using the site for a couple weeks due to a technical problem, so I couldn't participate.

I like this poem. It made me chuckle. The language is light and moves along crisply, which is what a humorous poem needs.

I wonder if "nameless officials" might not be better than "faceless officials". However, given that those officials are probably wearing masks, maybe "faceless" is okay. People reading this poem in your Collected Works may not remember that everyone wore a mask at this time.

One more thing: This American doesn't know what A-boards and hoardings are, and writes "newsagents" as two words, not that that matters much.

The poem definitely works for me.

[ray miller]

Thanks for the comments. I changed the title anyway.