If you can't quite get...

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
cameron
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 2162
Joined: Thu May 27, 2004 6:45 pm
antispam: no
Location: Norfolk 'n' Good

Thu Feb 18, 2021 5:36 pm

If you can't quite get
Everything you're trying to
Say into seven-
Teen syllables - then what you
Need is a tanka instead.
"And I meet full face on dark mornings
The bestial visor, bent in
By the blows of what happened to happen."

Larkin
Top
User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3102
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Thu Feb 18, 2021 6:05 pm

I like it Cameron. The line break on ‘seven’ is perfect. I like the get/instead & to/you rhymes. I’m not sure if you meant this, but I also read the poem as hinting at that subscribing to a strict syllable count is a bit juvenile - starting line 4 with ‘Teen syllables’ and the tone of the piece. Anyway, it’s a good Tanka that turns nicely on line 3.

I have no suggestions for improvements.

Cheers,

Tristan

cameron wrote: ↑
Thu Feb 18, 2021 5:36 pm
 If you can't quite get
Everything you're trying to
Say into seven-
Teen syllables - then what you
Need is a tanka instead.
PS. A title that does more might help - not sure. Let’s see what others say.
Top
NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 3514
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Thu Feb 18, 2021 7:25 pm

.
Hi Cameron,
raised a smile. I suppose some might quibble as to whether this meets the requirements of a Tanka, but not me. Nicely done. I hope Tristan's interpretation of 'Teen' is accurate.

Regards, Not

.
Top
cameron
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 2162
Joined: Thu May 27, 2004 6:45 pm
antispam: no
Location: Norfolk 'n' Good

Thu Feb 18, 2021 7:39 pm

Thanks very much Tristan. Very good crit. I wasn't aware of the rhymes. The whole thing was just a bit of fun. The seven/teen line break seemed playful and fell just at the haiku/tanka boundary which made me laugh. Yes, a better title? How about 'More is More'?
PS will do a crit on someone else's poem. I think I remember the rules. 😁
"And I meet full face on dark mornings
The bestial visor, bent in
By the blows of what happened to happen."

Larkin
Top
User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3102
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Thu Feb 18, 2021 7:52 pm

Hi Cameron,

‘More is More’ is great. It brought a smile to my face when I read it.

Cheers,

Tristan
Top
jcnash
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
Posts: 65
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2019 12:36 am

Thu Feb 18, 2021 8:27 pm

Very nicely done, Cameron. Nothing to add, perfect as it is.

I'd stick with the first line as the title, it always seems a bit odd to add a separate title to these short form poems.

Cheers,
nash.
Top
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 7435
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Fri Feb 19, 2021 9:46 am

Very clever. I wonder why you have a dash after syllables?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Top
cameron
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 2162
Joined: Thu May 27, 2004 6:45 pm
antispam: no
Location: Norfolk 'n' Good

Fri Feb 19, 2021 5:28 pm

Thank you Ray and Nash. Will ponder the title. The dash just seemed an appropriate break/pause in proceedings.
"And I meet full face on dark mornings
The bestial visor, bent in
By the blows of what happened to happen."

Larkin
Top
User avatar
camus
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5385
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
antispam: no
Location: Grimbia
Contact:
Contact camus

Sat Feb 20, 2021 5:52 pm

Very good.

JCC should perhaps heed said advice? You know the one:

To-con-vey one’s mood
In sev-en-teen syll-able-s
Is ve-ry dif-fic

I love haikus, good to see you posting.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
Top
Post Reply

Return to “Post-a-Poem (Experienced)”