The car ahead turns right
on red. She moves into place, checks nails,
combs fingers through hair.
Crouch.
Watch.
Crouch-leap sideways. Again.
She’s off! She stole second!
On down the road
still tingling she’ll be tagged
she recites It’s allowed, turning right on red;
allowed now.
Like Mom’s certified death
it’s law writ in the chapters she skipped
by not being here
so she plays that game too
disclaiming that she sees her.
(reference to baseball)
Not Being Here
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Jackie,
I enjoyed the economy with which you tell the tale, but found lines 4-6 too static for a description of movement,
and 'disclaiming' seemed too 'grown up' a word (if that makes sense).
Wasn't convinced by allowed now line 11 (both the repetition and the now).
Probably too tasteless a suggestion, but 'Bush League' for the title?
Regards, Not
.
Hi Jackie,
I enjoyed the economy with which you tell the tale, but found lines 4-6 too static for a description of movement,
and 'disclaiming' seemed too 'grown up' a word (if that makes sense).
Wasn't convinced by allowed now line 11 (both the repetition and the now).
Probably too tasteless a suggestion, but 'Bush League' for the title?
Regards, Not
.
Hi jackie
There are elements I like - transgression, legacy, past into present; the physicality/superficiality of L2/3; the mantra reciting freedom because parental controls are not there to stop life/death games. I took the disclaimer denial as ironic and therefore appropriate pull of the child/adult dynamic in 'gaming'. The title frames the reading for me.
enjoyed
mac
There are elements I like - transgression, legacy, past into present; the physicality/superficiality of L2/3; the mantra reciting freedom because parental controls are not there to stop life/death games. I took the disclaimer denial as ironic and therefore appropriate pull of the child/adult dynamic in 'gaming'. The title frames the reading for me.
enjoyed
mac
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TrevorConway
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 218
- Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:09 am
Hi Jackie,
Interesting title and atmosphere here. I liked the setting of the scene in the first 3-5 lines, then found the tone a bit too forced, and I'm not sure I followed fully. I took it as someone going off the rails, not giving a fuck for some reason though the reason wasn't clear to me. I think the reference to Mom's death could be explored a lot more, and I liked "by not being here / so she plays that game too" near the end.
Hope that helps. Any follow-up questions, just ask.
T
Interesting title and atmosphere here. I liked the setting of the scene in the first 3-5 lines, then found the tone a bit too forced, and I'm not sure I followed fully. I took it as someone going off the rails, not giving a fuck for some reason though the reason wasn't clear to me. I think the reference to Mom's death could be explored a lot more, and I liked "by not being here / so she plays that game too" near the end.
Hope that helps. Any follow-up questions, just ask.
T