It started with a Selfie

[Alexander71]

Revision with new title:

Sharing the Guilt

brevity of life
is the reason for strangers
and their forgotten tally

in the selfie
your head is on another shoulder
your hands kneading putty
making a doll
full of pins
and self-destruction

later
you snapped limbs
at the knee and elbow
arranging flowers
for the funeral

today
you adjust clothing
to hide the welts
laid like cold kisses
across your back

you confess
the collar was tight
and hair had loosened in your scalp

as I leave
you check in the mirror
for forgiveness
but its eyes are empty


Original:

It started with a selfie

your head on his shoulder
as you kneaded putty
making a doll
full of pins
and self-destruction

later
you snapped limbs
at the knee and elbow
arranging flowers
for the funeral

still
brevity is the spice of life
the reason for strangers
and their forgotten tally

when you returned
you adjusted clothing
to hide the stripes
four on your back
with a cross through them
welts like filled lips
holding a bloody smile
you confessed
the collar was tight
and hair came loose

I remember as I left
you checked in the mirror
for forgivness
knowing mine was not enough

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Alexander,
enjoyed the read, much taken with 'a doll full of pins'.


One or two thoughts ...

'and self destruction' - seems a bit too blunt. Would it work without it, or is there an alternative?

'spice of life' - the cliché really weakens the piece for me, it's difficult to ignore.

'four on your back' - is an awkward construction, but might work better after lips'

'filled lips' - why not 'bruised' or 'swollen' or ... something interesting?

'and hair' - I think this would work better with a pronoun, 'your hair' for instance.

Not sure you need the last line, N's observation and the word 'forgiveness' make for a strong finish.


After a couple of reads the title becomes a bit lacklustre.



Regards, Not.


.

[Macavity]

hi Alex

The title gives a modern slant, though the religious and emotional bind is an older narrative.

your head on his shoulder
as you kneaded putty
making a doll
full of pins
and self-destruction

Liked the appearance of security and contentment juxtaposed with the internal hell. The pagan imagery translated the violence of the emotion. The word' 'kneaded' conveyed the concentrated intensity of that emotion.

later
you snapped limbs
at the knee and elbow
arranging flowers
for the funeral

The narrative has moved on. The soft putty has hardened. Here the emotional violence is translated with 'snapped'. My thought was 'broken' to prayer.

still
brevity is the spice of life
the reason for strangers
and their forgotten tally

Here the 'comfort' of life is couched in short-term distractions.

when you returned
you adjusted clothing
to hide the stripes
four on your back
with a cross through them
welts like filled lips
holding a bloody smile
you confessed
the collar was tight
and hair came loose

The lines are a heady mix of restraint and release, guilt and sensuality, with the iconic loosening of hair after confession. Again the narrative conveys the struggle between the outward clothing and the naked emotions.

you checked in the mirror
for forgivness

Typo on forgiveness. Excellent image to crystallise the internal through the external act.

best

mac

[Alexander71]

.
'spice of life' - the cliché really weakens the piece for me, it's difficult to ignore.

'four on your back' - is an awkward construction, but might work better after lips'

'filled lips' - why not 'bruised' or 'swollen' or ... something interesting?

'and hair' - I think this would work better with a pronoun, 'your hair' for instance.

After a couple of reads the title becomes a bit lacklustre.

.

Hi Not, you have a good eye/ear, thank you. I know about the title and the cliche is obvious (now!) Your other comments are also valid and I will take account in a revision. Thanks again, Alex.

[Alexander71]

Mac, thank you for the close reading. A couple of minor points haven't come across as I intended so your feedback will help me in a revision. The subject is a friend who isn't well-grounded and sometimes engages in submissive behaviour, not so much for the endorphin release (though that is there) but because of the perceived rectitude due to her self-destructive guilt. The latter is indeed a barrier to a relationship. Alex

[1lankest]

Enjoyed this, Alexander. Good imagist stuff.
Preferred the revision but I would drop the unnecessary prelim at the start, leaving this:

your head is on another shoulder
your hands kneading putty
making a doll
full of pins
and self-destruction

later
you snapped limbs
at the knee and elbow
arranging flowers
for the funeral

today
you adjust clothing
to hide the welts
laid like cold kisses
across your back

you confess
the collar was tight
and hair had loosened in your scalp

as I leave
you check in the mirror
for forgiveness
but its eyes are empty

Cheers,

Luke

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Alexander,
like the revision (the change to the present tense in the final verse
works very well) though I think there's still room for improvement.
For instance, given the changes, what purpose does the (narrator's)
selfie serve? Do you still need it?
If the revised opening (Brevity is a Reason for Strangers) wasn't so
long it would make an excellent title.

I still think 'self-destruction' is too blunt. Does the doll look like
her by any chance?

Not sure about 'cold kisses'. that rise like regret ?

Probably just me, but every verse feels like a final verse.


Just a suggestion

your head on another shoulder
your hands knead putty
making a doll
full of pins

brevity is a reason
for strangers
[seems like there's a line missing here]
in their forgotten tally
later
you snap limbs
at the knee and elbow
quietly arrange flowers
for the funeral

today
you wear loose clothing
to hide the welts
laid like cold kisses
along your back

a bloody smile
you confess
the collar was tight
and your hair feels loose
you're a mess
you bruise easily

as I leave
I can see you
check in the mirror
for forgiveness



Regards, Not



.

[ray miller]

I'd drop the first 3 lines, it seems like unnecessary commentary to me. Maybe focus on the doll as the recipient of all the hurts, rather than the person. Otherwise, why introduce the doll at all?

[Alexander71]

Enjoyed this, Alexander. Good imagist stuff.
Preferred the revision but I would drop the unnecessary prelim at the start,

Luke, I think you are right; the first bit can go. Thank you.

[Alexander71]

.
For instance, given the changes, what purpose does the (narrator's)
selfie serve? Do you still need it?
If the revised opening (Brevity is a Reason for Strangers) wasn't so
long it would make an excellent title.
.

Thank you for taking time with this Not. Sometimes I forget to question every word. The poem was prompted by a selfie I was sent but of course it is ancillary to the narrative now you point it out. I think I will also remove the brevity bit - it isn't very concrete. The self-destruction is there as pins in a doll usually target harm at someone else. The character I'm describing here is an anxious type metaphorically kneading putty to make a doll but the situations she puts herself in (and the reasons she does so) are self-destructive. I'll see if that can be made clearer. Alex

[Alexander71]

I'd drop the first 3 lines, it seems like unnecessary commentary to me. Maybe focus on the doll as the recipient of all the hurts, rather than the person. Otherwise, why introduce the doll at all?

Thank you Ray. Consensus opinion, including mine now, is that the first three lines go.
The image of a doll with pins jumped at me as condensing the character's slightly off self-destructive and verging on superstitious behaviour. Alex

[NotQuiteSure]

he self-destruction is there as pins in a doll usually target harm at someone else.

Understood, though why not have her making a doll that looks like herself?

your head is on another shoulder
your hands kneading putty
making a doll
full of pins
you in minature

Regards, Not


.

[David]

Looks like it's IPTO time again. It's been a while.

IPTO? You could ask an old-stager here, or I could just tell you (and I will) - it means that I prefer the original. So often my mantra, and it's applicable here. I prefer the sequencing in the original. And I prefer the original title too. (More on this below.)

I like it all down to "their forgotten tally", and that includes "the cliché". To my mind "variety is the spice of life" is the cliché - or is it just a proverb? - and "brevity is the spice of life" is playing with it to good effect. And the same goes for the title, which seems to me to play enjoyably with "It started with a kiss". (I'm definitely thinking Hot Chocolate here.)

So, as I say, down to "their forgotten tally" I like it. You lose me from there on. I would very happily see the poem finish there.

Cheers

David

[Alexander71]

Understood, though why not have her making a doll that looks like herself?
.

An option for sure Not; I'll reflect on it. Thanks.

[Alexander71]

Looks like it's IPTO time again. It's been a while.

IPTO? You could ask an old-stager here, or I could just tell you (and I will) - it means that I prefer the original. So often my mantra, and it's applicable here. I prefer the sequencing in the original. And I prefer the original title too. (More on this below.)

I like it all down to "their forgotten tally", and that includes "the cliché". To my mind "variety is the spice of life" is the cliché - or is it just a proverb? - and "brevity is the spice of life" is playing with it to good effect. And the same goes for the title, which seems to me to play enjoyably with "It started with a kiss". (I'm definitely thinking Hot Chocolate here.)

So, as I say, down to "their forgotten tally" I like it. You lose me from there on. I would very happily see the poem finish there.

Cheers

David

David, thank you for the feedback. Nothing's done until it's all done - or over-done; I'll give this a rest for a few days and let it settle in before finalising. Alex